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But she wasn’t that someone. Her love was a toxic thing. It was a weakness that led to anger, and it hurt people. It had hurt her mother. It had ruined their whole family. And if she wasn’t careful, it could ruin him.
The evening felt interminable and towards the end of it Calista slipped out onto the big terrace that overlooked Itheus, tucking herself away down one end in the shadows, where she couldn’t be seen. Just for a couple of minutes to clear her head, that was all.
It felt strange to be standing here in a golden gown, a beautiful crown on her head, when a week ago she’d been here in jeans and a T-shirt, still reeling from her pregnancy news.
She put her hands on the parapet, the stone cool underneath her fingertips, and looked out over the city below, and took a ragged breath.
‘There you are,’ a soft, deep voice said from behind her, concern edging the words. There was movement, a steadying hand settling at the base of her spine. ‘Are you are okay, Callie?’
The affectionate shortening of her name scraped along her nerve-endings, hurting her. The way his gentle hand at the base of her spine hurt her.
She shouldn’t be prolonging this and she didn’t know why she was. It wasn’t fair on him. What she should have done was accept the choice that the king had given her straight away, not gone through with this...farce.
Leaving now would hurt him immeasurably, perhaps beyond repair, but that would be a lesser pain. A ruined party and a ruined month or two rather than a ruined life. And then he’d be able to find someone else. Someone who’d love him the way he deserved to be loved.
Because she couldn’t allow herself that luxury. She was a protector, protecting was what she did, and she would protect him. Even if that meant protecting him from herself.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I’m okay. Just tired.’
She would go to the king after this. Tell him that her choice was to leave, and he would take her away and hide her. She would never bar Xerxes from seeing his child, but she wouldn’t have to see him again herself, not if she didn’t want to.
And if he insists? If he wants the child back in the palace?
She would cross that bridge when she came to it. Maybe she’d have to give up her child. But maybe that would be for the best. Who knew what kind of mother she’d be, after all? Given how she’d hurt her own mother, perhaps not a good one.
You can’t tell him you’re leaving.
No, she couldn’t. She knew him; he’d do everything in his power to stop her, and she couldn’t have that. Eventually, he’d see it was for the best.
His hand at the small of her back was warm and she wanted to lean into it, but she denied herself. There’d be no more of that and she’d have to get used to it.
‘Tell me,’ she said, before she could stop herself. ‘Would you have married me if there was no baby?’
He let out a breath. ‘Interesting question. What makes you ask that?’
She had no idea. No idea why her heart ached so much, why she felt as if she was falling apart inside. ‘Just thinking about your previous engagement party and how that went.’
‘Ah, yes.’ He gave a soft laugh. ‘Well, to answer your question, a couple of weeks ago, no. I wouldn’t.’
It felt like an arrow piercing her. A stupid question. Of course he wouldn’t have.
But then there was pressure at her back, his hand urging her to turn and face him, and when she did, when she looked up into his dark eyes, there was gold shining in the depths. Buried treasure just for her.
He cupped her face in his palm the way he had done back in his bedroom months earlier, his thumb soft against her cheek, and this time she couldn’t stop herself from leaning into it, craving one last touch. ‘But I would now,’ he added.
Her throat closed, her heart shredding itself inside her chest. ‘Why? I don’t bring you anything. I don’t bring political influence or money. Or connections or—’
‘I don’t need you to bring me anything. All you need to bring is you. You have everything I need.’
That gold shining in his eyes... It made her feel cold inside.
‘I told you not to care, Xerxes,’ she said, her voice hoarse.
He shrugged, as if that didn’t matter. ‘And I told you a prince will do what he wants. And if he chooses to care about you, then he will.’
She had no answer to that, because it was an argument she knew she wouldn’t win. And it was a fight she didn’t have the strength for. So all she did was lean up and kiss him, and hope that would cover the sound of her own silence.
If he noticed it, he didn’t say, and when they went back together into the ballroom for the dance they would lead, he didn’t push. He merely held her in his arms and watched her as they danced together, his gaze steady and clear.
