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chapter 80
alex
He makes it sound so easy. And he’s right: I could stay here. No one knows where I am, apart from Quinn, and I can trust her. I flew here on a false passport. Luca and I could live here quietly, under the radar, an ordinary family again.
Or I could wait till Quinn comes back with the cavalry and take Lottie back to England. Try to rebuild our lives and continue to juggle work with raising Lottie. Maybe one day even fashion a future with a man I can trust, a man like Jack. But at what cost to Lottie? Luca did a wicked thing when he snatched her from me, but tearing her life apart a second time won’t fix that. And it’ll all play out in the fierce glare of the press.
Lottie’s age won’t save her from the media storm.
Staying here is a lovely fantasy. But that’s all it is: a fantasy.
I can’t trust Luca. I’m not even sure heisLuca, not really.
A head injury that leaves you in a coma for six weeks could cause permanent brain damage. Judging by his scar, the blow was to the front of his head, which houses the part of the brain that controls personality and impulse control. I can’t believe the man I knew would’ve kidnapped our daughter.
But even if by some miracle Luca and I managed to revive our relationship, I can’t stay home and make pasta from scratch for the rest of my life, and I’m not qualified to work in Italianlaw. What would I do, once the novelty of being a stay-at-home mamma wears off? Have more babies? Sit at home looking after Luca’s crazy mother while he chases anything in a skirt?
I hear the sound of a car in the distance. There’s a crunch of gears and I realise Quinn must’ve reached our vehicle. I need to distract Luca.
I press my body a little closer to his.
‘What would we tell Lottie?’ I ask, as if I’m weakening.
‘The truth,’ he says. ‘She thinks she came to live with me because her mamma had to go to work and help people. And now you’ve come back.’
‘But you said she won’t remember me.’
‘I said she doesn’t remember her life in London. Of course she remembersyou. I’m not a monster, Alex.’ His lips brush my neck. ‘I talk about you all the time. We need you. We both need you.’
‘I have to think about it, Luca. You need to give me some time—’
But I don’t have time.
Something hits me, hard, in the lower back. I stumble against Luca, caught off-guard. I’d fall if he weren’t there to catch me.
‘It’s OK,’ I say. ‘I’m fine.’
I try to find my balance again, but my legs won’t work properly. My chest feels oddly tight; I can’t seem to suck in enough air.
‘I need to sit down,’ I say, dizzy.
Black spots dance before my eyes. Luca staggers under my dead weight, unable to hold me up, and the two of us slide to the ground. I lean against the courtyard wall. The pain in my back is getting worse.
Everything starts to take on an unreal quality, as if in a dream. Luca is holding me and shouting at his mother in Italian –Mamma, cosa hai fatto?– and Elena is laughing.
She has a knife in her hand.
Luca says something about calling for help.I’ll be back in a minute, Alex, just stay with me. I slide down the wall, until my left cheek rests on the flagstones. I can smell the bougainvillea in the planter just a few feet away.
I think I always knew it would end like this. But it’s OK. Lottie will be safe. Quinn will take her to Harriet and my sister will look after her. Luca and I have failed spectacularly as Lottie’s parents, but Harriet will do better.
He’s on the phone now, demanding an ambulance, but I know it’ll get here too late. Everything is swimming in and out of focus. The ground rocks gently beneath me, as if I’m being cradled in a warm bath.
The darkness is closing in. My vision narrows, like an old-fashioned camera, the shadows creeping in from the outside. And then suddenly Lottie is standing in front of me. Her hair is longer now and lighter than I remember; her skin is tanned and her brown legs are long and skinny. The baby fat has gone. Lottie, but not Lottie.
In my dream, I tell her to run.Run!
Don’t look back.
