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“Sometimes.”
“I miss Mum,” Gabi said. She sipped her drink, and a tear slipped onto her cheek. The view over the city, with its mountainous backdrop was spectacular, and she should be appreciating it because this trip was for Nana’s benefit. But it was hard when the loss was so raw.
Nana took Gabi’s hand and squeezed it. “It was hard for you, and very sad that Pamela never got to see you grow up.”
“Grow up a fuck-up.”
Nana sat upright in the seat and turned to face Gabi. She lifted her sunglasses and stared at her. “Don’t you dare say that. You are kind, and generous, and beautiful, and I will not hear those words from you again. She would have loved you with all her heart.”
Gabi shook her head and wiped her cheeks. “I didn’t realise I missed her until coming here. It’s stupid.”
“Cariño, no, it’s not.” She took Gabi’s hand. “I didn’t expect to feel the way I do, returning after all these years. Memories, feelings, sometimes they come when we don’t expect them. Maybe when we’re ready to face what we couldn’t at the time. Seeing my parent’s graves, being here and thinking about Juan, the loss is stronger than when I was in England, but there is so much joy and love too.” She motioned at their surroundings. “If you stay lost in that tormented mind of yours, you’ll miss all this beauty and its opportunities.”
A second beer helped Gabi relax. Since they were talking, there was another thing that had been niggling her since they’d visited the graveyard. “Was Dad a spy?” she asked. Had he followed in his father’s footsteps? It would explain his behaviour and attitude towards Gabi.
Nana sighed. “No, cariño. I think your father…” She swallowed and pressed her lips together before taking a sip of sherry. “Your father spent his early years with a nanny and at boarding school, then military school after that.”
“I know, but why is he so distant and angry with me?”
“I don’t think he was close to anyone except Miguel, cariño. I’m ashamed to say that the role model he should have had in a father wasn’t there for him, though he idolised Miguel.
“Grandpa was away a lot when he was younger?”
“Yes, Miguel moved between London and Gibraltar gathering intelligence, helping the resistance with my father. He was a good man at heart. If I had my time again, I would have challenged his decision to have your dad schooled away from home. It was harder for a woman then. A husband’s word was final. I owed my life to Miguel because he’d helped me get away. I couldn’t embarrass him. His ideas about your dad’s career were fixed, driven by his own. Discipline and structure were more important to him than anything.”
“Not to you though?”
Nana shook her head. “Rigid rules that suffocate individuality and passion are not right. I should have been there for my son, and I wasn’t. The war made my relationship with Hugo difficult, because while he was being taken care of by a nanny, I looked after other people’s children evacuated from London. In my mothering of those poor children, I lost sight of my own.”
Nana looked dispirited, and Gabi wanted to take away her pain. “You’re the best Nana anyone could wish for.”
Nana smiled and put her hand to her chest. “Cariño, Gabriela. I love you with all my heart.” She stroked Gabi’s face. “You are a beautiful soul, and you will make many mistakes over the years too. I know I should have done better by your dad, and maybe I will always regret that, but I can’t change what I did.”
“Hindsight is kind of a bit late, right?”
Nana laughed. “True. But I have relived the moment I should have made a different decision many times. I’m sorry that he wasn’t the dad he should have been. It’s my fault.”
Gabi couldn’t swallow past the lump in her throat. Nana had wanted to do things differently, and because of how life was back then, she hadn’t been able to do diddly-squat about it. It was heartbreaking. She wondered how her dad might have turned out had he been bought up by his mum rather than a nanny and the schooling systems, and her heart warmed towards him. “How’s your sherry?” she asked, to change the topic and lift the mood.
“Excelente.” She took a sip. “I’m going to see that apartment this afternoon, if you’d like to come. If we like it, maybe the owners will let us rent it until the sale goes through, then we can cancel the holiday booking.”
“Do you want to stay here permanently?”
“I don’t know, cariño. I feel at home here, and I never expected that. It’s as if a part of me never left and is happy to be reunited.”
Gabi felt as though her emotions had been sucked up inside a tornado and spat out in tiny pieces. The positive on the horizon had been Aisha, and the disappointment from being let down earlier resurfaced. She sighed and sipped her beer. There must have been a good reason for Aisha not showing up, surely? “Maybe I could look for a job?” she said.
“You have one. You’re looking after me.” Nana said and sipped her drink.
“And if you have too many more sherries, I’ll need to carry you back to your room.” Gabi laughed. “Anyway, I’m not going to be your paid carer if we’re going to live here. You’ll drive me up the wall.”
Nana laughed. “Well, don’t go looking for a job in a bar. You’re better than that.”
Gabi shook her head. “I’m not qualified for anything else,” she said.
“Rubbish, Gabriela.” Nana looked over Gabi’s shoulder and smiled. Gabi turned around, and her stomach kept turning. Her heart raced, and she couldn’t stop herself from blushing.
“Excuse me for interrupting you.”
