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24.
AISHA HAD NEVER KNOWNa pain in her head this violent or acid that felt as though it blistered her throat. Nicolás’s announcement of their engagement hadn’t been a nightmare. She wished it had, and as the memory carved out its place deeper inside her mind, her heart pumped slower and weaker.
Her mama’s exuberance and the way she had watched Gabi’s reaction to the news had provoked her anger into a quality of rage that Aisha had struggled to suppress to not disgrace her family. The numbing emptiness had rendered her silent for the rest of the evening, the congratulations and celebrations in their honour falling on her deaf ears and crushed heart.
Gabi had disappeared before she’d had the chance to explain. And with everyone’s eyes on her and Nicolás after his proclamation, Aisha hadn’t been able to run to Gabi without causing a massive scene. She hadn’t needed to see Gabi to know how she felt, Aisha felt it too. She had to talk to her.
She sipped at a glass of water, and it tried to come back up. The claustrophobic feeling inside the house was made more overbearing by her mama’s enthusiasm for a second wedding in the spring. Aisha locked eyes with Conchita. Conchita didn’t smile, and Aisha hoped her sister could see the pain in her heart.
“I need some air.” Aisha picked up the basket and headed out the front door and across the field.
The empty basket hung low from her limp arms. She squinted to focus, though the sun cast its light evenly and softly. The feeling in her throat became thicker, and her heartbeat burrowed into it with a slow, thudding rhythm. Her vision blurred. Her eyes grew wet. Tears slipped onto her cheeks as she walked towards the feed shed where she and Gabi had enjoyed each other. If she could turn back time, she should have run away last night before this cruel trick had been played out, but Gabi had been right about her not being ready to leave her family. The agony of real love and thinking she might not be able to hold onto it was much worse than when she’d just dreamed of love.
She pulled the carrots from the ground and put them in the basket, and three lettuce and half a dozen tomatoes.
“Aisha. Aisha.”
His voice, an unwelcome intrusion, numbed her. She walked towards the green beans, and he called her name again. “Leave me alone.”
He approached from behind and swept the basket from her. He took her hand and twirled her around. “You look radiant. I need to get you an engagement ring that sparkles as brightly as your eyes.”
She pulled free of his hand. Her head spun, and nausea thrust its way up from her stomach. She snatched the basket from him. She would rather pick onions than listen to his infuriating rapture. The vegetable refused to budge from the soil, and she cursed it silently, cursed herself for being weak, knowing he hovered behind her waiting for her to fail so he could rescue her.
He tugged at the stem effortlessly and scooped it from the ground, knocked the soil from it, and threw it into the basket. “Sit with me for a while, under the tree,” he said.
“I have work to do.”
“Your mama said you have time.”
Aisha clenched her teeth and glared towards the house. Her mama waved from the doorway, deepening the veil of disgust that Aisha wore to protect her heart from their rejection. She turned away and sat under the tree. Sitting a while would give her time for her head and stomach to settle, and as soon as he’d said his piece, perhaps he would leave her alone. Nicolás pressed his thigh against hers, and the scent of him clawed in her throat. She shifted a couple of inches away. He moved with her.
“We should make plans,” he said.
“I’m not ready to make plans.”
He crouched in front of her and held her hand. “Let’s talk about where we will live.”
She pulled her hand free and picked at the soil.
“There is a place for sale up the hill. It is small, but I have enough money saved for a deposit. It’s not too far from your parents. We will settle well there.”
Aisha squeezed a lump of dry earth and crumbled it to grains, though not as fine as the warm sand that had slipped through her fingers at the beach. The memory of the day taunted her with its promises, and she let the coarse grains slide from her palm. She looked towards the house, the fields they worked in, and the hills where he spoke of buying a home for them and for their family. He fidgeted at her side, rubbed his hands together, and sighed heavily, failing to hide his impatience with her indifference. Had she really thought she could run away with Gabi? “I don’t want to live there.”
He leaned forward, his breath as stale as hers after the night, and rubbed his clenched fist into the palm of his hand. “Where then? Where do you want to live?”
She shook her head and stared into the basket. The carrots were vibrant while his talk of the future was suffocating. She stared towards the house. Maybe her parents would understand if only she could talk to them. Shouldn’t she at least give them a chance to see her in love, to know that love as she knew it? Maybe they would respect her decision not to marry, if only she could summon the courage to talk to them.
She imagined standing in front of her parents in the living room, her mama sat in the chair, her papa stood at her mama’s side. Both would stare at her with a look of growing concern as she struggled to find the words she’d rehearsed a thousand times. “Mama, Papa, there’s something I need to tell you.” The quiver in her voice would betray her fears, and she would become their prey. The slaughter would be quick, but she would take the pain with her and live with it if it freed her, knowing she had tried.
“What is it, Aisha? You can talk to us,” Mama would say.
No, she couldn’t. Not about her love. But she had to because she needed her mama’s blessing.
“I—” She would falter, because how could she not?
Hearing what she had to say, her papa would grow in stature and press his hand firmly on her mama’s shoulder. Her mama would press herself into the back of chair, retreating as far from her disgusting daughter as possible. She would cross her arms and avoid eye contact, because how could she look at her daughter after this? She had brought the worst disgrace of all to their family, and that was unforgivable. If she’d told them she was pregnant, they would have looked on her more favourably, brought forward the wedding date, and then danced in celebration. This news would cause them to narrow their eyes, and as her words registered fully, their faces would infuse with rage. They would not accept her. And that made the truth what it was. She wasn’t ready to face their rejection, to walk away having broken their hearts and turned their world upside down.
They would blame Gabi no matter what Aisha said, and Gabi would have to leave Granada to stay safe. Something as grave as this would never be considered just a family matter. It was an affront to the community, their history, and their ancestors before them, and aside from what it would mean for Aisha once the dust had settled, as it had for Old María, she couldn’t risk harm coming to Gabi.
