AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Her agitated mind was trying to protect her broken heart, getting her to think twice about the consequences of running away, and yet, she had to follow her heart. She loved Gabi. She wanted to believe in their dreams of seeing the world and growing old together. She had to speak to Gabi.
“You see, you can’t even answer a simple question.”
Nicolás jolted her from her thoughts. “I don’t know.” She turned towards him. “Sometimes I just want to be far away from here.”
He shook his head and wiped her cheek.
She froze. The silent tears continued, and now that she was aware of them, she felt foolish and defenceless accepting his kindness. Her distress seemed to soften his demeanour towards her. He put his arm around her shoulder and coaxed her to lean against him. Her stomach churned. His muscles weren’t soft like Gabi’s, and he held her too strongly, coveting her rather than comforting her, but he was familiar and warm, and though she was clear she didn’t want to marry him, she was confused about everything else.
“I wanted to leave here when Esme died,” Nicolás said.
She pulled away. She’d often wondered if her feelings for Esme would always be reflected in his eyes. But as she watched him now, they weren’t, and his grief was his own.
“I know, as best friends, you were probably closer to her than me in some ways. She missed you after we married, when you became absorbed by your dreams of being somewhere else.” He smiled ruefully. “I’m not criticising you for having an imagination, Aisha. It’s what makes you the best dancer in Granada. Esme was the centre of my universe then, and when she wasn’t at my side, the biggest part of me became lost. My heart died when she and our baby did.”
He became that man again, consumed by his loss, his jaw tight, and his eyes empty with the despair that came from feeling helpless. It was the feeling Aisha had lived with since realising she was different.
“My heart is filled with you now. I know you will never love me as I love you. Something blocks your heart. You’ve always been that way.” He looked to the sky, his Adam’s apple rising and falling. “Don’t make me out to be a fool, Aisha. I care for you, and one day I hope you will let me make you happy.”
This conversation felt so wrong, and the words tightened like a noose around her neck. “You think it’s that simple?”
“Why not?”
“Love, I mean. Do you think that one person can learn to let another make them happy, and that will be enough? Don’t you think that kind of happiness is a product of two hearts connecting unconsciously and unforced. Not through an arrangement sold to us by our laws. Laws that cast out people who think differently.”
He scratched his head.
“Do you not think that love is something so special, that it cannot be defined, that it passes through people, between them, and around them? It doesn’t bend to our will, Nicolás, it directs it. Love is all that matters. Without it, we are empty vessels cast out into an ocean too vast for us to navigate.”
“You are a dreamer with your head in the clouds. You think life is what you read and sing, a canto that fills your head with illusions and makes you crazy inside. I’ve watched you change. I’ve watched you lose yourself to these wild dreams.”
“I was lost without them. I’m finding myself because of them. And this love I speak of is no illusion. It’s as real as the sun, and the sky, and the air that we breathe. Maybe you had that with Esme. I know I can never have it with you.”
He scratched his head harder and took a deeper breath. His face contorted. “I am happy with you.”
“You talk as though I’m something to be owned. How is that love?”
He shook his head. “I don’t understand you. I will provide everything you need. A house, food on the table, children. I will keep you safe, and you will not want for anything. We will be comfortable.”
She shook her head. “I don’t want comfortable. I want love, Nicolás. I want my heart to sing with joy. I want to feel alive with everything we think and do. I want to share the same interests. I want to talk and laugh.”
“We have the same interests.”
“We dance together.”
“And that’s not enough?”
“Not without love, no. It’s not enough.”
He nodded. “I get it. It’s still too soon for you. Spring is a long way off.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
“It will always be too soon for me, Nicolás. I’m never going to want the house up the hill, or the children, or the safety of a man at my side. I would rather—”
“Rather what?”
She couldn’t reveal her heart to him, though she would love to send him away with his tail between his legs. That time would come. “I would rather take my chances and travel the world.”
He stood and started walking towards the houses, then stopped. “You know, maybe you should just go. And when you see that life isn’t greener.” He motioned to the distance. “In a month or maybe two, if you last that long, don’t think I will still be here waiting for you.”
Aisha stood and put her hands on her hips. “You know, I think I will.” He stepped towards her. His stale breath brushed her cheek, and the line of his jaw became more pronounced. He could scare her, but she wouldn’t back down.
“I’ll let you tell your parents, and they can find you another man to marry.” He turned away.
“Don’t threaten me.”
“I hear Pedro is still looking for a wife,” he said and stormed off.
She watched him go, and the trembling inside grew stronger, because he was right. If it wasn’t him, her parents would find someone else. He could and would move on, as he had after Esme. He would be vindicated by her desertion of him. She couldn’t change who she was. And having been with Gabi in the most intimate ways and tasted the reality as so much more than she’d dreamed of, she wouldn’t betray her or them. She leaned back against the tree, closed her eyes, and inhaled deeply. “Verde que te quiero verde. Verde viento. Verdes ramas.” The grass was greener, and she would see it. The excitement that came when she thought about Gabi gave way to fear again, swifter than the sun dried the rain in summer, as she considered how she might start a conversation with her mama and papa.
