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“Who is she then? Is she the woman from the park?” she asks again.
I look at the wooden carving, the carving that I now can only see as Suki...
“No... she's my trigger, she's the reason why I finally understood what I needed. She's a woman from an alley...”
Suki turns her head to me, her brows furrowed in confusion, her body a bit tenser than before.
“Alley?”
For a man that had trouble speaking to people his whole life, I sure as fuck can't shut up when this little siren asks me questions. She's playing me like a fucking violin, and I'm trying to understand why talking to her comes naturally.
I tell her how it happened about ten years ago... how I finally heard the banshee scream again, how, like a siren she involuntarily called me to her. I tell her about the alley, what I found there, and with every word I speak her body shifts, her arms now wrapped around herself.
“There was something about her, something I wasn't able to find since... not until...” I trail off. Not until Suki... but this is not the moment to reveal this. “She ran before I had the chance to talk to her... but only when I was done beating that motherfucker. She stayed for that whole bloody, violent scene and to this day I wonder why. To this day I wonder if she wanted to make sure he wasn't able to come after her or maybe she enjoyed the show, the retribution... the bloodshed.”
I watch her throat move almost in slow motion as she swallows a lump, her arms wrapped around her body, her eyes blinking rapidly. She parts her lips to speak, but ragged breaths are all that’s coming out.
What the fuck?!
I want to go to her, but I'm afraid to break this spell, mainly because I feel like I'm miles closer to breaking her. My comfort is the last thing I should give her right now.
“It was the show... the retribution...” Her gaze looks deep into mine, her voice breaking and I see her demons. There's fire, strong fucking fire. Recognition. “...the bloodshed.” Tears fill her bright green eyes as she looks back at me...shiny eyes… like… hers. I turn my gaze back to the carving for a split moment.
A fraction of a second. That's all it took for me to walk to her and kneel in front of the bench she’s sitting on. I can't speak though... I can't. There's no possible way I could say the right thing at this moment. I grab her face into my hands and look at her. She grabs my wrists. My ragged breaths connect with hers. I wipe her tears with my thumbs. She squeezes me with her small hands.
I don't know what this is.
I don't know what my soul feels.
I don't know if it's shattering or breaking open.
I don't know what this means...
I'm not one to believe in fate, but then what the fuck is this?! What the fuck brought her on my doorstep after all these years? What are the motherfucking chances?!
My soul hurts.
“I saw them that night.” She swallows hard, her breaths catching in her lungs, unshed tears pooling in her eyes. “The demons in your eyes... I saw them that night. It was the only thing of you I saw...”
“Suki...” her little face in my big hands looks so fragile right now. She's not upset, her unshed tears are not about that... she's overwhelmed... she's confused... she's everything that I am in this moment.
“I ran because of the demons... for a second I thought they would follow me...”
“For a second I thought so too... but it wasn't the right thing to do.”
“I didn't know it was you... I should have known...” She tries to shake her head, but she’s trapped in my hands.
“It was so dark, Suki, I didn't know it was you either... there was no way.” I let go of her, but she still clutches my wrists as I lay my forearms on her lap.
We sit in silence for a couple of minutes. How does one come to terms with such a revelation? How does one process the fact that she was the one that caused this chain reaction inside me, the one that broke open all these cravings? The one to bring out the monster.
“What do you mean it wasn't the right thing to do?” she asks.
“You were attacked, assaulted. No matter how hard my dick was, that was fucked up, I couldn't have come after you. And the adrenaline, the fear in your voice... the reason why I was there, I was in a strange trance caused by it all, by… you,” I sigh… this is harder than I thought, and there’s this overwhelming pressure in my chest, something I can’t quite process and for some reason my body feels fragile.
She shakes her head, tears dropping on her plump cheeks, her eyes even greener amongst the red of pooling emotions.
“I was not attacked… I mean, I was, but…” she sighs, shaking her head again.
