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I frown because I know I saw the opposite in that alley.
“That night I decided to give in… for the first in my life, I decided to give in, give it a try, fulfill those dreams…”
“What dreams, Suki?”
She lets go of my wrists, and I sit on my heels in front of her, my palms around her thighs as she gathers her thoughts.
“I do not know when they started, but they are the first thing I remember from when I was a child. Not my mother, not my father, not playing in my room, not my friends… I was a toddler, yet my first conscious memory is of me running… running away from a monster. I am terrified, screaming, but as I turn to look for him… I am smiling.”
The tears are flowing hard now. She swallows her breaths and I swear I can see her demons wailing in her eyes. This… the cravings I only caught glimpses of, these were not sexual kinks of hers, no, these were so much more.
“I had that dream every single night.” she sighs, and my eyes go wide. “Every. Single. Night. Until…” she trials off.
Until when?! Until what?!
“The dreams evolved. Even though they followed the same plot line, the action was not always the same, but the fear was bone crippling at times. And the monster… the monster felt different. I got used to it. Years passed, and the dream became part of me, until I finally understood that it did not become anything—it was me, an extension of myself. I expected it now, craved it, feared it, and reveled in it…” She shakes her head yet again, looking at the banshee… at… herself.
“After so many years, I got used to it and it did not feel the same anymore. The dream did not stop, but it did not affect me in any way. It did not sate my hunger, settle my cravings… it did not feed my demons. It just was not enough and because of that, it became a haunting. The monster haunted me… taunted me…”
She takes a deep breath, looks into my eyes and suddenly I feel too much, I feel it all, and I find myself breathing on the same strained rhythm as her.
“After all that happened with my family, after leaving my home and going to University, I felt numb. A strange emotionless state, yet at the same time, I was overwhelmed by feelings. Over time, as I grew, the dreams matured with me and they turned into these blood boiling sexual cravings… not like some BDSM prey kink, my body was not the only one involved. It was an insatiable desire my soul needed. I craved the chase, the fear, but most of all… I craved a monster. “
She wipes her face with her palms and I help her, gently swiping my thumbs under her eyes. Her gaze follows me as my thumb goes in my mouth, her salty tears staining my tongue and hunger painting her face. That night she craved a monster as well… and she found it.
“I arranged that,” she continues, “I found a random stranger in a bar, and somehow I knew he was a depraved bastard. I knew he wasn't into this kink; however, I saw the danger in his eyes. His demons did not sing with mine, but he scared me, he scared me enough to know that if I said no to him, he would become a monster. And maybe... just maybe... it would fuel my cravings enough for the dreams to stop being hauntings.”
“Shit, Suki...”
“I did not think... he was strong, I was stupid. It got out of hand. It helped though... it helped me. Because the monster I found that night was you, not him. It was always you hunting me in my dreams ever since...”
Short breaths fill her lungs, and suddenly the world around us goes quiet... our breaths the only noise pollution. This was a confession... one that I feel so deep in my soul that my monster roars in victory. I didn't see it before, there was no way, but my demons did, and my monster came out the day I found her because he recognized her. To say that this is surreal is simply not enough.
“You're my banshee, Suki... the siren that sang the only song that ever fueled my soul... I searched for that melody ever since and it took a few years for me to understand that the song wasn't what I was looking for, it was your voice... No one was able to sing it the same.”
We found each other that night, we found exactly what we were craving, but somehow, I don't think either of us were in the right place in our lives to do it right. I don't think it was the right time for us to truly meet. That night was a discovery, a revelation and for me... acceptance. Acceptance of something that disgusted me all those years before. Something I didn't understand...
“I don't know...” she starts speaking, but I stop her. I don't want to hear doubts, rejections, nothing. I grab her upper arms and bring her on my lap, her legs straddling me, her short frame reaching just under my chin. I wrap my arms around her, one on the small of her back, one at the nape of her neck and I hold her to me, my face buried in her hair that smells so different than mine, even though she uses my shampoo. She slowly relaxes, and her whole body molds to mine, her arms and legs wrapping around me.
I hold her there, tight against me, and I realize that it's not for her comfort, but for mine.
I need this. My soul is not shattering, it's breaking open and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to catch everything that's spilling out because this is unfamiliar territory. Too fucking unfamiliar and I need her. I fucking need her!
She's my fucking banshee. I bled for her; I branded my skin with her beautiful scream... she's mine.
“Niklas…?”
“Yes.”
“What did you carve on my skin?”
I smile. “Your monster.”
