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Elliot squeezed me gently, and I straighted up a little. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do this. I just couldn’t help it.
“So it turned out Jocelyn had all kinds of fertility problems,” I continued. “She couldn’t carry children. The whole thing was devastating, to everyone. A child would’ve been something that put us all back in a family mindset.”
“She asked you to carry her baby,” guessed Aiden. “Didn’t she?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “She came to me in tears. I hugged her and told her I’d be thrilled to do it. She was my sister, my twin. My whole life…”
My last statement trailed off to thunderous silence. Before the tears could flow again, I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I joined the surrogate program just to get normalized, as far as what to expect,” I said. “But I was finally happy. Happier than I’d been since high school. Jocelyn was glowing, and her husband was adorable too. We were most of the way through the cycle, prepping for extraction and implantation. Right about where we are now, actually.”
I looked up at they guys, and they stared back at me. I didn’t have to say the rest. Only of course, I did.
“That’s when the accident happened.”
Twenty
JORDYN
Aiden choked out a gasp, as Connor swore under his breath. But it was Elliot’s strong arm, wrapped tightly around me, that gave me the strength to continue.
“He was a seventeen-year old kid headed to work with his junior license,” I recited, in a voice that somehow didn’t seem my own. “Went the wrong way down an entrance ramp. Ended up on the highway going the opposite direction.” I paused just long enough to let out a helpless sigh. “My sister and brother-in-law died instantly. But the kid… he wasn’t even drunk. He hit them head-on, got thrown totally clear. He’s in college now, up in Albany. Studying bio-mechanics or something.”
“Jordyn…” Aiden pleaded. “Oh God Jordyn, I’m so—”
“I don’t begrudge him at all,” I cut in. “The kid made a mistake. We all make mistakes, right? We exchange cards at Christmas now, me and him. Four years running. How’s that for fucked up?”
“It isn’t fucked up at all,” Elliot reasoned. “It’s a huge move on your part. It shows what an amazing person you are, with a capacity for forgiveness.”
“Yeah sure,” I shrugged. “That’s what they say. But forgiveness doesn’t bring my sister back. And it’s never once changed the fact that I’m all alone.”
I could see the guys moving in, ready to console me. But I had to finish. If I didn’t now, I never would.
“After the grieving I was left empty,” I went on, “but my first thought, oddly enough, was overwhelming relief. There was nothing left to lose. No more hurt I could possibly endure.”
“Jordyn…”
“I was even more relieved that my sister’s child had never been born,” I said truthfully. “Because if it had? The poor kid would grow up without parents.”
“Butyou’dhave taken the baby,” Aiden countered. “I know you would.”
“Yes, and I would’ve been terrified the whole time,” I explained. “Not of dying, but of leaving it behind. I’d seen my parents and sister taken from me, all in the blink of an eye. So being one breath away from leaving this child a complete orphan? Every day of that life would’ve been a living hell.”
“You’ve already been to hell, precious,” said Connor sadly. “And now I don’t think anything could scare you.”
“Probably not,” I answered. “And I guess that’s the good part, because I decided right then and there I never wanted a child. That I never wanted to be responsible for anyone but myself, ever. I moved to New York because it wasn’t Florida. And after that I figured I’d do whatever the hell I wanted, right? So I started doing all these wild, crazy things. After all, life’s too short. What the hell was I waiting for?”
“Your bucket list…” Elliot breathed.
“Wrong,” I corrected him. “I don’t have a bucket list, I have a ‘fuck it’ list. I see something that looks like fun and I just do it. I see somewhere exotic online, or in a magazine, and I book a trip. At first I thought I was doing these things to make up for all the stuff Jocelyn would never get to do. But then I realized it was all just a distraction. It kept my mind off thinking about what happened.”
“And nobody could blame you,” Connor interjected.
“So I walked pastShatterone day and took a glassblowing class. And for those three or four hours? I didn’t think about Jocelyn at all. I signed on immediately, and took a job there. I found out I’m quite creative, and whenever I’m channeling that creativity into my art I get to escape from the memories of my past life.”
The room felt warm now, where before it was almost cold. I knew it was me, though. I was getting to the end.
To the part thatmattered.
