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At first, Ace was just my way of saying ‘fuck you’ to everything. But he’s buried his way under my skin, and I want to give him the one thing no one else will ever have from me.
My first time.
A shiver ripples up my spine just thinking about it.
“What are your plans for today?” She changes the subject, and my shoulders sag with relief. That’s the thing about Mom; she never pushes too hard.
“I need to do some homework, and I thought maybe I’d drop by school and see Hadley.” I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to board at Sterling Prep.
“No Ace today?” Her brow rises.
“We’re not joined at the hip, Mom. Besides, I think he and his brothers are spending the day together.”
A strange expression washes over her, and I stiffen again. “What is it?” I ask.
“I think of what they had to survive, and it just breaks my heart. And well, I guess it hammers home how different things could have turned out f
or us.” Tears prick Mom’s eyes and I go to her, hugging her tightly.
“But they didn’t, Mom. You saw the light and kicked his sorry ass to the curb.”
“I know, sweetheart, I know.” She holds me at arm’s length. “Gosh, Remi, you’re almost eighteen, and it terrifies me. I’m not ready to lose you, baby.”
“Whoa, Mom. Who said anything about losing me?”
“It’s senior year.” She sniffles. “Then you’ll be going off to college and leaving me.”
“You have James,” I say, glossing over her mention of college. I still haven’t decided what I want to do. There’s no way in hell I’m accepting my dad’s offer to pay for tuition. And if I want a scholarship, I’m going to have to work my ass off.
“I do.” Her expression softens. “We haven’t talked about the future much...” she hesitates, and I sense she’s not being entirely truthful, “but he makes me very happy.”
“Are you sure he’s what you want, Mom?”
“Whatever do you mean?”
“I just mean we have a good thing going here. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Especially not Dad.”
She gasps. “You think... oh, sweetheart. That’s not what this is. James is a good man. But I’ve wanted to take it slow because I want to be absolutely sure before I rush into anything again.”
I stare at Mom and realize I’ve been carrying around so much hate and bitterness that I’ve failed to see the truth.
Dad’s betrayal changed her. Just like it changed me. But where I became detached and cold, she became desperate for attention. All this time, we’ve both been feeling the same thing, we’ve just dealt with it differently.
“Why has James never had a serious girlfriend before, Mom?” As far as I can remember, he’s always lived alone in that big house of his.
She brushes the hair off my face, smiling at me the way she did when I was little. As if I’m the most important thing in her life. “We don’t talk about it much. But once, he told me there was a girl. She broke his heart and he never really moved on.”
“That’s sad,” I say, wondering who she was.
“It is. You know, Remi, I just want what’s best for you. But you’re right, you are almost an adult, which means you’re old enough to make your own decisions. And despite what I said earlier about Ace, even the most broken souls deserve to be loved.” Mom cups my face, placing a kiss on my forehead. Her words sink into me. I know it’s not a blessing, not really, but she’s telling me to follow my heart.
She’s telling me that even if she doesn’t like the idea of me and Ace together, she accepts it.
Because I am capable of making my own decisions.
And I choose him.
I choose Ace.
