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“I know. Fuck, I know. And I hate that I wasn’t there for you, that I didn’t step up when you needed me most. But I think losing the baby... well, it unleashed a lot of stuff I haven’t ever dealt with. And I lost it there for a second. I let myself drown because it was easier than trying to stay and fight.”
“Conner says you’re seeing a therapist?”
“I am. Faye, she’s a real hoot.” A faint smile traces his mouth. “We’ve talked a lot the last week.”
“That’s good.”
“She’s helping me understand things. The way I hurt those around me instead of letting them in.”
“I’m really glad you’re getting the support you need.”
“I still need to work through a lot of stuff, but I’m trying. I’m trying, Dove.” This time Cole does take my hand in his. He threads our fingers together and I feel him relax.
It hurts so much, the intimacy, the distance between us. Nothing is the same now. We’re not the same. We went through something huge, and things can’t just go back to how they were before. They shouldn’t either, because what we had before was toxic, built on pain and darkness.
“I’m glad you came. I texted you...” he trails off.
“I got rid of my old cell phone.”
“You did?” His brows bunch together.
“Yeah, I finally cut my parents out of my life. Tim too. I’m done with them.”
“I had no idea.”
“I guess Conner and Remi didn’t want to meddle.” Although, that’s exactly what Conner did tonight.
“You didn’t want me to have your new number?”
“I... I thought it was for the best if we both have some space.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” He releases my hand as if I’ve burned him.
“Cole, I lost our baby. And instead of being there for me, you OD’d.” The words get stuck in my throat, and the color drains from his face.
“I fucked up.”
“Yeah, you did. But this isn’t even about me. It’s about you, about you dealing with your past and figuring out what you want.”
“You, Hadley. I want you. I love you, Dove. I love you so fucking much.” The desperation in his voice is like a bullet through the heart. I want to reach for him, to wrap my arms around him and tell him we’ll get through this.
But there is no us anymore.
There’s just Hadley and Cole and a boatload of regret, shame, and heartache.
“I can’t do this again,” I say, unable to meet his eyes.
“W-what are you saying?” he chokes out.
“I’m so happy you’re okay, Cole. I am. And I hope that therapy helps you come to terms with everything. But this, us... it’s not healthy. The way we use each other to escape. It was never going to end well.”
“You regret being with me?”
The shock in his voice forces me to meet his eyes. “God, no. I will never regret it,” I stress. “But I’m different now. I need to focus on what the hell I’m going to do now I have no family, and you need to focus on your future. You are so close to making something of yourself, Cole.”
“So that’s it? You’re going to walk away and just pretend it’s over.”
“Cole, please don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.”
