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Jess lowered her tone. “No, it’s not that. I think I might have feelings for Myles. I don’t understand. One second I hate him, and the next, I can’t get enough.”
Addison laughed. “Yeah, that sounds about right. That’s what you call love, Jess.”
“Ha. Ha. No, seriously though, I’ve been fighting this… whatever it is… and I’m not sure that I can or even want to anymore.”
“Then don’t.”
“But… I don’t know what to do…”
“Just keep doing what you’re doing… it’s obviously working.”
Jess let out a long sigh. “Addie… I don’t think you understand. I don’t think it’s supposed to be this way. I literally want to choke him half of the time.”
“That’s called chemistry, Jess. Just go with it.”
“Are we even in the same conversation here?”
Addison cleared her throat and spoke slowly and deliberately. “Look… I know you’re scared and I know you’re fighting whatever is going on here… but first and foremost, you need to get sober… and then, I promise you… things will look a little more clear. Just ease your way into it. Feel what you need to feel and quit fighting it.”
“So you’re saying I should just give in. That’s easy for you to say…”
“No, Jess. That’s love. It’s not easy. And there are no rules. It’s never as clear cut or as clean as we want it to be...”
Jess laughed. “Oh, good, now we’re getting somewhere.”
“So you love him then? You’re admitting that you’re ready to wave the white flag now?”
She thought for a moment. “I’m not sure I even know what love is…”
Addison exhaled. “Sure you do. It’s caring enough that you want to stick around long enough to choke them. Otherwise, you would’ve let him go by now. It’s the need to get it right. And not wanting to do it any other way.”
Jess bit her lip. “Touché.”
Just as Myles had said, the doctor arrived shortly before eight p.m. A plump, balding man, with large, circular rimmed glasses. He introduced himself in a gruff, tired voice as Dr. Martin.
“Too many junkies today?” Jess asked sarcastically.
The man didn’t answer. Instead, he began by taking her vitals, then jotted down a few notes and asked Jess a myriad of questions about how she was feeling, which drugs were prescribed to her, and which she’d been using and at what dosage. He quizzed her on the last time she’d medicated and the last time she’d abused alcohol.
r /> Jess told the truth about the drugs and the alcohol, but as far as how she felt, she simply said that it felt like she had a mild flu and left it at that. What she wanted to say was that her muscles ached just barely less than her heart did, and that she felt clammy and in love, too full and insatiable, all at once. She wanted to tell him that her eyes burned and they wouldn’t stop running, and yet, she didn’t want to close them—because it was too scary a place in the dark.
But instead, she simply nodded as the doctor advised her that she was experiencing moderate withdrawal symptoms and that they would only become more extreme from this point forward. He suggested using a medication called Naltrexone that would both speed up and minimize the detoxification process. He explained that the medication worked by attaching to one’s endorphin or opiate receptors, completely blocking them, meaning that if one were to use any sort of opiate—including Jess’s go-to favorites Oxycontin and Dilaudid while they are on Naltrexone, they would feel no effect because all of their receptors would be completely blocked. He explained that while Naltrexone was on board, it would be virtually impossible to relapse and that it would also help significantly with cravings that were likely to occur after detox. He informed her that there were other medications they could use as well, and he began to explain those in some detail as Jess sat quietly and focused her attention out the window.
She halfway listened as Myles drilled the physician about the pros and cons of each method before she finally decided that she’d had enough. She stood and interrupted, looking from the doctor to Myles and back again. “Is there anything else you need from me?”
Myles eyed her impatiently, his head cocked to the side. “Why? Have you decided on a method of treatment? Because if so, I think the two of us should discuss it first.”
Jess put her hand on her hip. “Well, if either one of you would have consulted me, I could’ve saved you both a lot of time and a lot of going back and forth.”
Both men stared at her.
“I’m going to do this cold turkey.”
Dr. Martin stared down at the floor before meeting her eye again. “That really isn’t advisable. Detoxing off of opiates is no walk in the park.”
“Jessica,” Myles pleaded his voice low.
“Look, I said I’m going cold turkey, and I’ve made my mind up! Maybe you don’t agree… but here’s the thing, Dr. Martin, I want to know what it feels like. I want to understand the feelings… I’ve avoided feeling for a long time now, maybe my whole life. I want to feel all of them, particularly the pain, and I want to know what it feels like to know the range of them. I want to understand that it’s not that bad—that I can handle it. Because the thing is... if I can’t… if I can’t learn to deal… then this was all for nothing, and I’ll just end up using again.”
