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“I don’t know what I mean… life, love maybe… it can be that way. You don’t get a choice whether or not you want to hide from it. Eventually, it just catches up with you.”
She laughed. “I don’t know… love is a whole lot scarier, I think. It’s ironic, you know… falling in love is so easy. But it’s the falling out of it that sucks. As with other things, I guess—falling usually doesn’t hurt, but the landing sure as hell does.”
He took a deep breath. “What I meant was that being with you... that’s what it feels like. A little raw, but familiar too. I don’t know why
I’m saying this other than I think you should know… Being with you… it’s like… I can breathe again—only it hurts a little and yet, at the same time, I can’t suck in enough air to keep me satisfied.”
Jess laughed. “Funny. That’s what getting high feels like. And then you just need more and more to do the same job. It’s never enough.”
Myles shifted his gaze toward the tide coming in. “No, I suppose it’s not.”
Jess watched the waves out in the distance. “I guess we all get addicted to something that takes the pain away.” She looked over at Myles then stood and walked toward the ocean.
After a moment or so, Myles stood, brushed himself off, and followed her lead. He watched as she walked out into the water, first dipping a toe in and then both feet. “So, what was it you wanted to tell me about your ex-wife?” she asked, her tone flat.
He kicked off his flip-flops, picked them up, and tossed them away from the shore. “I wanted to tell you that maybe you’re right. Maybe she doesn’t want to be found…”
Jess waited for him to turn so she could see his face... “I don’t know… I guess you need to ask yourself why finding her is so important. I mean… I went all the way to Africa chasing a dream and look where it got me…”
Myles inhaled, then nonchalantly reached down and brushed her hair out of her face. “It got you here, didn’t it?”
Jess searched his eyes. She could get lost in them if she let herself. But that was the thing... she couldn’t. It was too dangerous of a game to play.
Myles confirmed her thoughts as he spoke. “I don’t know… I’ve sort of always thought that if I could just speak to her that maybe things would be different. That we could work it out. I get that... I mean… I know that no conversation will take away losing our little girl, but I would be lying if I didn’t say just a small part of me believed we could create what we had again. And that perhaps, if I just tried harder, that it would all be different the next time.”
“Is that what you really want? To work it out?”
“I don’t know... Maybe I just want closure.”
“How did Hailey die, Myles?”
Hearing her name caused him to visibly flinch. He rubbed his hand over his face and waited a while before he finally spoke. “She got sick. At first, Leslie…” He paused and sighed. “Leslie was my wife.”
Jess nodded and kept her eyes on his, silently urging him to go on.
“At first, she thought it was no big deal… you know, just normal kid stuff. Hailey was only two so she seemed to constantly be picking up a cold here or there… and Leslie thought it was just another virus, like all the others. Leslie was sure if she took her to the doctor, it would be like all the other times where they just sent her home to wait it out. So, this time she didn’t go. And even as Hailey’s fever climbed higher and higher, she told herself it was nothing, until finally, Hailey seemed to have some sort of seizure, and so Leslie rushed her in. But, by then it was too late, she was too sick… she had meningitis all along it turned out, and she never woke up again… Leslie blamed herself and in doing so, blamed me for not being there.”
Jessica squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Myles exhaled slowly. “Me, too. But she was right. I should’ve been there.”
Jess swallowed. “As a mother, and clearly even as a shitty one these days, I understand where you’re coming from, but logically—you have to know, Myles, that even if you had been there, the outcome would have likely been the same. Sometimes these things happen and there’s not a lot we can do to stop them… I know that doesn’t make it easier—but it’s the truth. And I know that no matter what I say or what anyone else says, it won’t change things for you. But if it would, I would paint your past with the truth so that you could see yourself as I see you. Brave, and kind, and caring, and most importantly, someone without so much doubt. ”
Myles checked his watch. “That’s sweet. But we both know you’re not in your right mind, anyway,” he said, playfully shoving her shoulder before he placed a hand on each one and steadied her. “We need to get you back to the house. The doc will be here in a half hour…”
Jess nodded, then reached up and took his chin between her fingers. She wanted to kiss him, but she held back and filled the empty space with words instead. “Thank you for sharing that with me. It really means a lot. You’ve always been a good friend to me and I appreciate that.” She took a deep breath then looked away. “And I’m sorry for shutting you down earlier. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Myles slowly took a step back and turned toward the house. “Let’s go,” he called over his shoulder. “There’s still plenty of time for you to feel like shit about it.”
Jessica watched him go as she dug her toes further into the wet sand and squeezed them, watching as the muddy water poured over her feet and enveloped them. She let him get a ways ahead before she allowed herself to smile—just a little. All along she’d let him think he was breaking her, but maybe, just maybe, they’d actually been breaking each other.
After they had arrived back at the cottage, Jess told Myles that she was going to retreat to her room to call the kids. Which she eventually did, but first, she dialed her best friend.
The two of them exchanged brief pleasantries and then Jess got right down to it.
“Addison… listen, I need your help… something is going on here and I can’t put my finger on it.”
“If you need booze or drugs, I can’t help you.”
