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He sighed. “Mom?”
“Yes.”
“Can I say fuck?”
She pursed her lips. “Just once. And that was your once, just then.”
“Okay. Well, in that case, I want ice cream, too.”
Jess laughed. “Then we better get a move on it, if we’re going to catch them.”
This was how they spent the rest of that summer—stuck somewhere between sadness, anger, and understanding. With just a touch of hope sprinkled in.
Chapter Twenty-Three
They returned home in late August just before school started. The press had mostly lost interest and moved on to other things—at least until the trial started that is. Jess still hadn’t told the children the full extent of the charges against their father, but knew that time was running out given that school was set to start, and if she didn’t tell them, someone else likely would. How she could possibly have that conversation with them, she wasn’t sure, so much so that she nearly vetoed going home altogether. But it was time. And in the end, unavoidable.
Jess wanted to visit Spencer in jail even though her attorneys had advised against it. She needed to get answers and she’d planned to do so, but he’d declined each of her requests for visitation. Finally, she wrote him a letter, which she’d asked Jonathan to stick in with his and a few of Cat’s drawings.
Dear Spencer,
Honestly, I’m not sure where to start.
I am still in disbelief over what has taken place, and I still hold some hope that the allegations about the accident aren’t true. I would have given you the money, and I thought you knew me well enough to know that, which is why none of this makes any sense. I’m not even sure how it’s possible to sleep in the same bed as someone who wishes you dead and still have no idea.
But I will say this—I forgive you.
Even if I can’t yet forgive myself, I forgive you. Because the truth is, you didn’t get the best of me, Spencer. What you’ve done to our family is incomprehensible and still, the children and I will be okay in the end. You, on the other hand, will have a very long time to sit and ponder it all and all that you’re missing. And my only question to you is for what?
My heart is broken for the kids and yet it is for them that I realize that I must forgive you.
Jessica
Over the course of the summer, the children had really taken to Myles and him to them. He and Jess let their level of affection evolve slowly around the kids until they were practically the only ones still in on their bad joke.
“I know you love him,” Jonathan mentioned casually over breakfast one morning as Myles walked out the door.
Jess had watched him go and turned her attention back to her son. “I don’t love him,” she’d countered, smiling. “But I like him an awful lot.”
“Clearly,” Catherine had added.
“It’s okay if you do,” Jonathan said. “Just don’t lie about it.”
She gulped her orange juice and swallowed. “All right. Geez! You two are tough.”
And just like that, the cat was out of the bag.
Three days before school was to start back, Jess sat Jonathan down and handed him her notebook, turned to the correct page. “I’m not sure I can say it aloud to you. I hope you’ll forgive me, but I wrote it for you instead. It’s the best I could do.”
Hesitantly, he pulled the notebook into his lap. She watched him read it and noted how his shoulders slumped and his eyes grew wide as he scanned the pages.
“I fucking hate him. I told you I did.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, son. I didn’t want this to be the way it was either.”
“I never want to talk to him as long as I live,” he said.
“I hear you. I hope you’ll change your mind. But I understand… and that was your one fuck.”
