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“Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. He tried to kill you. Fuck him.”
“Jonathan, stop. You’re a writer. How about taking all of that frustration and anger and putting it on paper? It’s helped me—”
“I just want to be alone now,” he interrupted.
She waited for a moment, hoping her son would change his mind, but when he handed her the notebook and motioned toward the door, she simply nodded. Jess ran her fingers through his hair sloppily before giving in and going. There were so many things she couldn’t fix for him now no matter how hard she tried. Jess closed the bedroom door behind her and pressed her head against it. It wasn’t fair. This was too much for any child to go through. “I’m fine, Mom.” She heard him call out on the other side of the door. “You can go away now.”
Jess smiled a knowing smile. She stayed that way with her head pressed against the door until she heard his computer power up and with it, the steady drum of fingers hitting keys, and then she retreated to the comfort of her office and Myles’s arms.
Just as summer turned into fall with the next several months came change and a steady stream of improvement around the Clemens’s estate. Jess stayed clean, attended regular Narcotics Anonymous meetings, and volunteered at Cat’s school.
Myles managed the heavy lifting around the property and helped maintain a sense of normalcy in Spencer’s absence. He encouraged Jess to visit her father, and one day, in early November, she finally did.
Early one morning, they’d been wrapped up in each other and it was almost dawn. The light was just peeking through the curtains when he’d suggested it out of the blue. Jess still played the game of sneaking out of the main house once the kids had fallen asleep and hurrying off to her office above the barn, where she’d climb in bed with Myles. They’d make love and talk, often until dawn on the many nights neither of them could sleep. And there were many of those.
“Why don’t you visit your father?” he’d asked.
Jess inhaled sharply, she hadn’t expected the question. “It’s complicated. But for starters, he doesn’t even know who I am. I guess I just don’t want to remember him that way...”
“Hmm. I’m sure there’s a lot you still want to say to him though, right?”
She shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it.”
He sighed. “Sure you have. The thing is, now’s the time to say it, Jessica. Once a person’s gone, they’re gone, and you don’t get a second chance. They’re really gone, and all you’re left with is the emptiness and the things you didn’t say.”
“He probably wouldn’t understand what I was saying anyway.”
“But you would, Jess. And really, that’s what will comfort you once he’s gone.”
She snuggled in closer. “I’ll think about it…”
“The sun’s coming up.”
She slowly untangled herself from him and started to get up. “Yeah, I’d better get back.” She squinted trying to spot her clothes on the floor through the dim glow of the candlelight. “We’re practically vampires living this way…”
He pulled her back down and wrapped his arms around her. “Yeah, well, you should know, vampire or not, being here with you has been some of the best days of my life.”
Jess lifted her head
and studied his face. “Whoa, Mr. Serious. Where’s Myles and what did you do with him?”
He playfully bit her neck. “He’s evolving. I think he’s figuring out that maybe he likes the light after all.”
The following morning, Jess stood in the doorway of her father’s room at the retirement community. She stood there for a few minutes, watching him reading the newspaper and thought back over her childhood and all of the mornings she’d watched him do the same thing. Countless mornings. Countless mornings that she could’ve said all that she had wanted to say, mornings where he would have known who she was and would’ve responded appropriately. But this was now. And this was not one of those mornings.
He looked up and then met her eye. “Did you bring my breakfast?”
Jess looked around before figuring out that it was her he was speaking to. “No, Daddy. It’s me, Jessica.”
“I want my breakfast. It’s eight-thirty. No one brought me my breakfast.”
She looked out into the hallway and back at him. “Oh. Okay. I’ll check.”
He eyed her suspiciously. “Who are you? Where’s Dorothy?”
“It’s me, Daddy.”
Jess watched him study her face and try to connect the dots. “I don’t have a daughter,” he finally said, shaking his head.
