AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Perfect,” I say.“You can tell me everything.”
In his room,he says.“Did you hear?We’re not going to war.There’s been an agreement.”
“I saw the paper this morning,” I say, helping him into bed.“But I don’t want to talk about that.I want to talk about you.I want to talk about what happened.”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
I’m not expecting him to be so blunt and so…I don’t know.Abrasive, maybe.
“It’s obvious they hurt you.But why?Why did this happen?What did the police say?”
“Why does any bad thing happen?”He frowns.Any hint of happiness comes off his face like a curtain falling.For a moment, I think my heart has stopped beating.I have seen him look this way only once before—the first time we made love.As if he was saying, “What are you doing?”Or, “No.”Or, “Please stop.”
“What’s the matter?”I ask.
“I’m sorry,” he tells me in a voice that sounds like he is saying, “I wish I could tell you everything.But I can’t.”
I have no idea what’s happened to make him shut down.I feel like a sapling bending in the wind.Like I’m about to snap.I wish I could wrap my arms around him.I want to protect him.I want to tell him something—anything—that will make the storm pass.I don't want to hurt him.He looks like he’s retreated so far into himself that wherever it is he’s gone, I can’t reach him.“I made some terrible mistakes, Grace.”
I squeeze his hand.“It’s okay,” I say, thinking of Elizabeth, thinking of all the shady things I did in the asylum, things you have to do to get by.“Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s fine.”
“It’s not fine,” he says.“It will never be fine again.”
“You can tell me.”I level with him, forcing him to look at me.“Whatever it is—”
“I can’t,” he says, and it is as though the world stops making sense.It was as though the earth had opened up and swallowed me whole.I know, at that moment, that I am in for something big.
“You can’t,” I say, “or you won’t?”
“You have to let it go,” he tells me."Drop it, Grace.At least for today."
“Let it go?”I stand and walk across the room, opening the curtains.“Drop it?”I repeat the words in disbelief.“I don’t understand.What are you talking about?”I shake my head.“Let go of what?”
He stares at me as if I’m a stranger, as if I am someone who has no idea what she’s talking about.It’s not that the words are unfamiliar, it’s just that he’s saying them in a way I’ve never heard before.Like words he’s learned that he doesn’t understand.
I feel something passing between us.Something I can’t control.I don’t know what it is, but I can feel it.It’s something big and dark and it’s moving.It’s moving without me.
“It’s not you,” he says.“It’s me.”
“Then let me fix it.”
And then he reaches for me.“Come here,” he says, and I do.
He takes my face in his hands.“Don’t you see?That’s just the point.You can’t fix it.Nobody can.”
I want to ask him what exactly he means.But his eyes go blank.His mouth closes.His free hand goes to the cut on his face.I see him walling up, building the walls higher and higher.And then he looks at me, the face I knew, the face of my lover, my husband.The man I fell in love with the first time I laid eyes on him.The one I promised to love for better or for worse.The man I promised to love until death do us part.
“What did they do to you?”I ask again.“Please tell me what happened.”
“If I told you, you'd never forgive me,” he says, looking away.
“You’re my husband, Charles.The father of my children.I—”
“Howarethe children?”
"The children are fine," I say, wondering how he could just change the subject.He didn’t speak of the police, or the beatings, or what had happened to him in Mexico.He didn’t talk about his broken bones, or his cuts, or his feelings.He didn’t talk about his bruises, and he didn’t talk about his fear.He talked about the weather, asked about the house, and how the children were.He talked about anything but what had happened to him.
Finally, he leans forward and, with a wince; he kisses my forehead.“I’m sorry,” he says.“But I need to sleep now.”
