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The thoughts repeated as I continued to sit there, stewing in my feelings, wondering if I would ever find happiness again. Maybe it was time to just say fuck it all and do everyone a favor? If I was gone, they wouldn’t have to worry or deal with me anymore.
Sliding open the top drawer, I placed one knee on the ground, staring into the dark space. It resembled my mind so much that it felt both familiar and disarming. I was so tired of feeling this way. I could just take care of it.
Pulling out the bottle of pills I’d stolen, I spun them around, the contents clicking against one another as I twirled them. I’d done it slowly, taking a pill here and there from my mother, grandparents, and even friends' houses I visited.
It was like an odd fixation I had now to open people’s medicine cabinets and see what they left out for everyone to see. I didn’t even know what some of them were, but I had to assume that this much of anything wouldn’t be good for a person to ingest.
Blue pills, yellow ones, red ones, and even some white tablets filled the old container. Some days, I’d pull it out, twirling it around like this, and the knowledge I had a way out was enough to calm me.
Other times, I’d dump them out onto my desk, sorting them by color and counting, taking myself a little bit closer to the edge before I tossed them back in, the anxiety gone, and my breathing returned to regular.
Today, it felt like nothing short of going through with it would help.
Twisting the cap, I poured them into my hand, feeling their weight as I jostled them around. It always shocked me how something so insignificant as these small things could create such chaos in one’s body. The sweet oblivion they would provide, the quietness of my thoughts for once, felt worth any chaos I might endure.
Grabbing the water bottle out of my bookbag, I stared down at the colorful handful. This was it. It was now or never. Lifting my hand closer, I watched them move in slow motion like I was witnessing it outside of myself. As I reached my mouth, I opened it, ready to dump them all in and finally say goodbye to all this self-hatred, turmoil, and disgust I felt inside.
My hand froze, and I stared, and stared, and stared.
A ping from my computer jolted me, and I tensed, almost falling out of my chair. My hand closed over the pills, only a few escaping. Quickly, I dumped the ones I had clasped between my palm into the bottle and jumped down to collect the few that had fallen. It felt vital to have them all. If I was missing even one, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it.
I tried to ignore that by placing parameters on my own suicide, that might mean I wasn’t actually ready to take that step. But it felt too much like failing at something else to say it out loud.
The computer pinged again as I reached under my desk, reaching for one blue pill that had bounced all the way to the back. Grunting, I pressed against the wood, straining to reach it. The particle board cut into my arm, scraping it, but I pushed on. I ignored how much effort I was putting into keeping the thing I was banking on killing me like it was my lifeline.
Finally, my fingers clasped around the pill, and I drew it back, my heart returning to normal as I placed it into the bottle.There, everything was right again.Screwing on the cap, I tucked it safely back into my drawer. I needed it close to remind myself it was there. It had become a weird safety blanket.
The ping sounded a third time, and I turned to my computer, opening the message that kept going off. It was a person I’d met on a random site responding to my request. Adrenaline began to rush through me at what this could mean.
User584:I think I found what you were looking for. I’ll send you the invite. The password is l3mon_fizz!e.
User827:Sweet! You’re the absolute best.
I tapped my fingers on my desk as I anxiously waited for the message to come through. I’d been teaching myself coding for the past year and had taken a few classes at the local college. It had been the one thing my parents had let me do, thinking it would help to distract me. I didn’t tell them it was to help me find more information on Sariah. They could believe what they wanted.
The link popped up, and I hovered the mouse over it, a last-second urge to stop myself clawing at my mind. Glancing over at the picture frame on my desk, I took in the picture of the three of us, so young, carefree, and happy. When I looked at my brother now, he was a shell of himself. I couldn’t stop until I had real answers.
Straightening my spine, I looked back at the monitor and clicked on the link, determination coursing through me.
The screen began to pixelate and went black, and I gulped, hoping I hadn’t just been played until a command popped up.
C:/what is your code name?
The blinking cursor mocked me as it waited for me to enter my name. A hacker name, I needed a hacker name. Hmm, what could I be?
Fashionista? Too girly.
Little sister? Too dumb.
Dark Cloud? Too morbid.
For some reason, I pulled open the drawer, staring at the bottle of pills that had become the answer to my problems, hoping I’d find something within it. Though, the only solution they truly offered me was oblivion and a release from my darkness. The realization slammed into me, and I knew what my hacker name would be. It was really the only thing that made sense.
C:/Oblivion.
C:/Welcome to the dark web, Oblivion. Password?
C:/l3mon_fizz!e
