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Today would suck enough as it was because dance practice started. That meant the boys’ class would be mixed with the girls’ class. And since I had both Damian’s and Asher’s schedules, I knew they had gym third period on white days, which meant they’d be in there with me. I’d more than likely be paired with them.
My anxiety was not my friend today, and I found myself shaking by the time I made it to the locker room. I made my way into one of the toilet cubicles and locked myself in. After putting the lid down, I sat with my back straight, eyes closed.
I remembered what Dr. Nering taught me in therapy and also what I’d learned from research before I’d started seeing him. Focus on my posture and breathing. Slow breaths in, slower breaths out. I wasn’t exactly sure what meditating was, but that’s what it felt like.
Instead of allowing the thoughts to rush at me all at once, I had to focus on the darkness. Nothingness. It was like being in a moving car. Trees, cars, land all whooshing past the side window at sixty miles per hour. It was impossible to focus on one thing because it all moved too fast.
If I closed my eyes and focused solely on the darkness, I could slow the thoughts and keep them at bay while I controlled my breathing and reminded my body it wasn’t under a genuine threat. It took time to practice, but when it worked, it worked well. I just had to keep at it until it worked regularly.
After a few minutes, my heart slowed, and I stopped measuring my breaths. I felt a little dizzy when I stood, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I had enough experience to know it was from the deep breathing and would dissipate in a few minutes.
I quickly exited the bathroom and changed into my gym clothes in the locker room. It wasn’t long before the bell rang, so I secured my stuff—not that it would matter—and made my way out to the gym floor to stretch.
“Hey.”
An exasperated groan escaped me as I sat on the floor, reaching for my toes.
“What do you want, Justin?”
He crouched in front of me. “I don’t have long, but I couldn’t just leave things like that. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
I shook my head. “I expect that shit from them, but never you.”
“I know. It was uncalled for. To be honest, I think I do know what happened. I just haven’t wanted to admit it.”
“You were jealous.” It was a statement, not a question. It certainly made sense.
“Yes, I think so. It’s not something I’ve ever felt before, so I’ve never learned how to deal with it. Look, I wanted to talk to you about… us. About what happened in the parking lot.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that, too.”
“You do?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think we should do anything like that again. Especially now—after…that. I realized I have no one. Absolutely no one. You and Luna areit.And if we fuck around and ruin our friendship, that pins Luna between us. And given how she just yelled at you in there, I don’t expect it to go well for either of us if we get her backed into a corner. Then I’d lose both of you. You might lose each other. I can’t do that. I can’t risk it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked anything like that from you. It was unfair, and I wasn’t thinking. I was just being a big olewhore,I guess.”
He looked at me incredulously. “Petty much?”
“Fuck yes! I’m mad. You were mean to me in there.”
He sighed and nodded. “Yes, I was. I deserved that. You weren’t being a whore or a slut or anything else. You were just going after what you wanted, and you wanted me. Truth is, I wanted you, too. I’ve never had a legitimate crush on anyone before. I’ve been sexually attracted to lots of people, guys and girls, but I’ve never had feelings. I don’t let people get close enough for it because I have goals. Not to mention my family life is rather complicated.”
“From what I’ve seen, that’s the norm around here.”
“Unfortunately, yeah. Most kids here were raised by nannies, cold as hell parents, or worse—abusive as hell parents who thinkbeatingthe best of their child is better and more effective thanencouragingthe best out of their child.” He paused. “Point is, you’re stuck on them, and I can’t let myself get any closer to you than I already am. That’s what I’d wanted to talk to you about, too. I wanted to call it off, so don’t feel bad.”
“Pretty fucked up. Minus your little shitty outburst today, you’ve been unbelievably amazing to me. You’ve been kind and helped me through some seriously hard stuff. I like you. Now I know you like me, too. Yet, I can’t be with the good guy because my heart is apparently the size of fucking Kansas and can hold an untold number of people in it at once. I hate me.”
He smiled. “Don’t hate yourself. I love that you have a big heart. That’s one of my favorite things about you—your ability to see the best in people and forgive. I may not like who youholdin your heart, but that doesn’t mean your big heart is a bad thing. You’re different than most, and that’s okay. We all have something unique about us. Your thing is loving and giving more than you get.”
I opened my arms, and he moved from his crouch to his knees as he leaned over to hug me.
“You’re a first for me, and I won’t forget it. It won’t go away easily, but I do need to push you away so I can be a better friend. Please don’t hesitate to come to me like normal. Iwilldo better. I promise.”
I kissed his cheek and pulled away, trying to hide the tears threatening to well in my eyes. We weren’t together in the least, but that certainly felt like a breakup.
“Thank you. As far as apologies go, that’s probably the best one I’ve ever received.”
He laughed. “Good. I’m glad.” He sighed, and his humored smile turned into something a bit sadder. “I’ll say this, and then I need to go before I’m late. If you ever free yourself of them, I’ll be around. Unfortunately, I doubt this is going away anytime soon. I just hope I can keep it from getting any stronger.”
