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My head fell back as I stared at the ceiling. I’d suffered enough anxiety and depression to last a lifetime since the attack, but this felt… different. Anxiety was an all-consuming fear, and depression had always been lots of crying, sadness, binge eating, and boredom. This was a form of depression I’d never felt, and it felt terrifying, to be honest. It was just…
Nothingness.
I felt dark. Lifeless. It felt like if my body didn’t regulate its own breathing, I would just die on the floor because I didn’t have the energy to move or do anything—even breathe.
I’d fought depression over the years because of my mom and her bullshit. I learned my triggers and I learned some of the feelings I’d get—like being overly bored, despite having alotof hobbies, and feeling sad about it—and I’d binge comedy movies, go hang out with friends, or play a bunch of video games online with my best friend. Those things helped me stop the depression before it took hold, and I could avoid it.
After my parents were killed, I cried a lot. Ireallyhad to be on guard. Suffering so much loss and change all at once was overwhelming enough and being stuck in a hospital for weeks was depressing as hell, but both together was like an unstoppable train. There was no escape.
I had to take what coping mechanisms I’d learned over the years to the extreme, and it still barely helped. I laid in bed and watched a lot of TV, ate a bunch of pudding and ice cream, and didn’t want to go anywhere. But I still fed and clothed myself, talked to people when they came in, and felt determined to get back on my feet. I felt like I owed it to my parents somehow.
This feeling—this hopelessness—was worse than anything I’d ever felt before. I felt hollow. The fight in me was gone. I felt like I had nothing left to give, and it hit mesofast. As I continued to stare at the ceiling, I realized something. Though I didn’t want to die right at that moment, if the roof caved in on me and my death just so happened to be the result, I didn’t think I’d care. It was a weird thought to have.
I slumped down onto the floor, laying flat on my back in my bra and panties. The carpet was soft and thick, but it still made my skin feel a little itchy just like any other carpet I’d ever laid on.
My eyes wandered around my room, and I realized just how white the walls were. I hated it. I hated white walls. It reminded me of a sterile room—of the hospital. It was nothingness. Absence of personality. That wasn’t me—not by a long shot.
I should get some paint,I thought as I heard my door open.
“Hey! We’re here!” Luna called out.
“Brought some goodies!” Justin followed up.
My initial thought was to jump up and throw some clothes on, but I honestly couldn’t will myself to move. I just wanted to stay there on the carpet.
Footsteps drew closer, and I listened as my time to react drew closed. I didn’t care any more at that moment than I did when I first heard the click of the door. Logically, I knew their arrival came at the right time. If they’d been busy, I didn’t think I’d have been able to fight off that horrible darkness alone. With them, however, I might just be okay before the end of the night.
If I was lucky.
“Whoa!” Justin said as he walked in my open bedroom door and promptly turned his back to me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“Bikini, remember? Bra and panties are no different. That’s what you guys said.” My voice sounded broken and flat.
“Damn, are you okay?” Luna asked as she stepped closer to stand over me. “Girl, you look like you’ve seen someshit. You don’t even sound like you did after class earlier, and that was less than three hours ago. What the hell happened?”
“Okay, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do here,” Justin said. “Do you want me to leave?”
“No,” I answered flatly.
“Oookay. Do you want to put on some clothes?” he asked.
“No.” My voice was monotone, and I didn’t make any effort to change it. “I thought you were the almighty god of indifference.”
He sighed. “I am, but I was also raised to have some respect for women. If you don’t care, then I don’t.”
“I don’t care. I’m not getting dressed right now. I don’t have the will or the energy, and I’m not blah enough inside to allow either of you to dress me either. So, until I figure this out, this is how I plan to stay. Take it or leave it.”
He turned and stepped closer to stand over me next to Luna. He shrugged. “I just needed to know the rules here. Now move over. You’re hogging the carpet of cheerlessness. There isn’t room for a friendwich.”
I furrowed my brows at him. “A friendwich?”
He rolled his eyes and removed a small backpack. He quickly unzipped it and removed a baggie before pulling a piece of chocolate out of it. I forced myself to scoot over so he could shuffle between me and the bed, and it took way more energy than I expected. I didn’t even remember it being that exhausting to move after surgery.
Justin sat next to me and held the chocolate to my lips. “Here. Eat this. It’ll make you feel better.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“You’re depressed and lying nearly naked on the floor… Do you really care?”
