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7
Ash
After wakingup and thinking she was just gone, it’s a goddamn relief to have River in my arms like this. At first, she just stands there, letting me hold on to her, but then she lifts her arms and wraps them around me right back, accepting the hug and leaning into it.
I can feel her shaking against me, and I know it’s not from being cold. There’s probably so much in her right now. So much pain and confusion and anger. I wish I could fix things for her, make it all better, but I know it doesn’t work like that.
I can’t even imagine her pain. I’ve lost people before, family members mostly, but none of them were people I cared about. None of them really mattered. My only real family is in this house, and if any one of them died, it would kill me too, I’m pretty sure. I don’t know how I’d handle it, but it probably wouldn’t be pretty.
So the fact that River is still going, still forging ahead somehow, speaks to what an incredibly strong spirit she has. Nothing gets her down for long, and that’s fucking amazing.
“You wanna know a secret?” I ask her, reaching up to stroke one hand down the back of her head, tangling my fingers through her wet silver hair.
“What?” she murmurs back. The sound is almost lost beneath the hiss of the shower, and I can feel it more than I can hear it.
“One of the things I liked most about you from the first minute I met you was how strong you are.”
She snorts at that. “From thefirstminute you met me? I was chained to a wall then.”
“Maybe. But you had already managed to work yourself free from the chains and were just biding your time, right? Then you head-butted me and tried to escape.” I smile at the memory of that. “You were ready to kick my ass on those stairs, like you didn’t give a single fuck. I knew right then and there that you were the toughest woman I’d ever met.”
She doesn’t respond to that, but she doesn’t pull away either. I keep stroking her wet hair, the shower water turning it a deep gray instead of the bright silver it usually is. I can feel her relaxing against me bit by bit, so maybe my words are helping somewhat, at least.
“I wish you didn’t have to be so strong,” I tell her. “I wish the world hadn’t made that your only option. But I’m glad as fuck that if that’s the case, you’re strong enough to handle it. I’m glad none of this shit has consumed you.”
The shaking has stopped, and she lets out a small, soft sigh, resting her head against my chest.
“I don’t know what to do now,” she admits. “I’m just… I feel lost. I had vengeance on my mind before, but now what? I make another list? It didn’t even work the first time. It didn’t get rid of the demons, and now there are only more of them.”
She shudders against me, and her voice cracks a little when she speaks again. “I can’t bring Hannah back. No matter what I do. There’s not going to be another chance. It’s just... over.”
She sounds so lost and so vulnerable. Like she’s afraid of drowning under all of this and is reaching out a hand to be helped.
It makes anger burn in my chest, fierce and hot. Of the four Kings, I have the reputation for being the easy-going one. I’m not as tightly wound as Gage or Priest, not as bloodthirsty as Knox. But I fucking hate Julian Maduro more than anyone I’ve ever despised before. Even more than I hate my mother for all the shit she put me through when I was just a kid, pimping me out to the rich women in the neighborhood next to ours.
I think about what Julian has done, what he robbed River of, and I want to destroy him. I want him fucked up and hurt and alone, the way he’s made River feel. Only multiplied by like a hundred, because that’s what the motherfucker deserves.
He deserves to burn and to suffer and to know the reason why.
But it’s not on me to do that to him. He didn’t take away someone I loved.
That revenge is for River to claim.
“Maybe you don’t need a list this time,” I tell her. “Maybe you should just burn it all down. Tear Julian’s whole fucking life apart from the roots up.”
She lifts her head and looks at me, curiosity in her eyes. It’s nice to see that. To see something other than the pain and misery that has to be pressing on her.
“He deserves to die for what he did, but that’s too easy. So you don’t just kill him,” I say. “You destroy him and his whole operation. Make sure no one can pick up where he left off, like he did when his father died. Just tear the whole fucking thing apart.” I grin at her, reaching up to brush a water soaked lock of hair back from her face. “Thenyou kill him. When he’s already at his lowest.”
A hint of a spark glints in her eyes at that, the old River reappearing for just a second. It’s a flash, but it’s all I need to know that she’s still in there. Still fighting.
River chews on her lip like she’s thinking it over. Then she sighs.
“At the very least, I have to get Cody out. I owe Hannah that much. She was willing to stay with Julian for as long as it took to make sure he didn’t have a chance to fuck that kid up, so I’ll honor that. I won’t let Hannah’s little boy be raised by somebody like Julian.”
“That’s fair,” I agree. “I can’t see Julian Maduro being some warm and loving dad. What will you do once you get the kid out?”
“I have no fucking idea,” River admits. “I don’t... I don’t know how to feel about him. Cody, I mean. When I look at him, I see Lorenzo. I see Julian. I see another Maduro just waiting to grow up and use women as his pawns and puppets. But that’s not all there is. He has pieces of Hannah in him too. She wouldn’t let him grow up to be a monster, and it mattered to her, so I have to try to help him.”
