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I need to make it to my room now, or else I’m going to be standing in this living room, talking about my feelings for the next thirty minutes. And I don’t think I will be able to do that without bursting into tears. I’ve already held myself together this long. I don’t think I can manage much longer.
“We know,” Rachel says while pulling at a stray strand near her cheek. “We’re planning to discuss it with him.”
“Just be careful not to scare him away,” Charlie replies.
“Alright, well, I’m gonna go—” I begin, but Rachel’s scowl stops me dead in my tracks. I’m only a few steps away from my door. I can still make it, but there was something in that dark look of hers that told me not even my bedroom door will protect me from her interrogation.
“I’ll see you tomorrow in class,” Rachel says cheerfully, which only makes me even more terrified. How can she be so dominating one second and so joyful the next?
Charlie gives her a curt nod before waving at me once more. “See ya!” she says before the door clicks close.
“Alright, what’s going on?” Rachel asks while leaning against the door, crossing her arms while staring at me intently. “You’ve been all excited and worried about today. Did something happen?”
I nibble on my bottom lip, my eyes sting with tears again. I inhale deeply, not knowing if I can say the words aloud without crying. My throat tightens. My tongue feels numb. I swallow the lump forming in my throat before starting with, “I, uh,” I pause, feeling the tears welling in my eyes. Shit. I’m really going to cry. I’m going to cry like a fucking baby in front of my girlfriend. I don’t think I’ve actually cried since I was, maybe, twelve years old.
Rachel’s arms uncross and her gaze softens. She pads toward me, but stops when I take a step away from her. I can’t handle her pity. I probably need a hug, like what Mom would do when I was upset about something, but Rachel isn’t my mother and I don’t want her seeing this fragile, broken side of me.
“Did you not get into the second round?” Rachel asks, her expression sad.
I nod. “Y-yeah,” I breath, happy to not voice the words.
“It’s okay.” She takes another step toward me, her hands reaching for me, but I take another step back.
“Don’t,” I say while turning away from her. “I don’t need your pity.”
“Alex, I’m not pitying you. I’m just trying to console you. I know how much this meant.”
I nod as she closes the distance between us, wrapping her arms around my waist. She leans her head against my chest. My body tightens, every muscle tense. I feel wound so tight I might explode. Nothing about this is making me feel better.
“Don’t worry,” she whispers. “You can always try out next time. And if not, you will still have your degree.”
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
“Everything will be fine. You have nothing to worry about.”
I push her away, needing to be as far away from her and this discussion. “I know I have nothing to worry about,” I say harshly. “But I don’t want to be a doctor or a physical therapist or a personal trainer.”
Rachel’s lips part, shock widening her eyes, but she doesn’t say anything.
“I want to be a runner, Rachel!” I shout while slamming a fist on the counter. “I don’t care about my degree. I just want to run. And now—” I gasp, the tears coming down now. Ugh. Why am I so pathetic? “And now,” I croak, “I can’t!”
“Alex—”
I bat her hands away, not wanting her to be anywhere close to me. “No, Rachel! Just leave me alone!”
I turn on my heel, taking the last few steps toward my room and slamming the door close as soon as I’m inside. I lean against it for good measure. My legs give out and I allow the tears to take hold as I slip to the floor. My hands cover my face and I bite back the sobs, hating myself for being so stupid, for being so cruel to Rachel. It’s not her fault I messed up. It’s not her fault I want something I can’t have. I allow the tears to take hold of me, releasing all the pain I’ve had pent up this entire day until finally, once I’ve cried everything out, I pad toward the air mattress in the corner and fall on top of it, covering my body in blankets and falling into a deep sleep.
