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“For an internship?” Rachel asks, her tone incredulous.
“Yep,” I say while bobbing my head.
“But isn’t the whole point of an internship to get more experience? I mean, they’re usually not even paid. That doesn’t make any sense.”
I don’t say anything as I turn into a parking spot near the library and park the car. This isn’t the closest we can get to our classes, but I’m assuming those spots are already taken by professors, teaching assistants, and the crazy people who wake up especially early to get a head start on their studies.
“I don’t make the rules,” I say, slipping out of the car.
Rachel stumbles out. She shrugs on her purse. A few droplets of her decaf drip onto her hand and she licks it away. My eyes narrow on that tongue. A shiver ripples up my spine, but I quickly shake it away.
“Well, don’t fret about it,” Rachel says with a bright smile. “I’m sure something will come your way.”
I attempt to smile, but I know it comes out as more of a grimace. “Meet back here at four?”
“Sounds good.” I watch her turn away from me, wishing I could stop fretting about work and bills. I really miss my job at Fitness Express. Other than the shitty manager and Millie, that job was great. I could work out, talk with friends, get a smoothie before class, but now I feel like I have nothing.
I trudge the opposite direction of Rachel, deciding I have time to grab a coffee before heading to class. The moment I reach the sidewalk I pause, my eyes widening on a ‘Hiring’ sign. In the window is a figure, dressed in hiking boots, pants, a plaid shirt, and a vest. Next to the figure is a tent and a fake fire pit. It’s a camping store. I forgot it was here.
I veer left toward the crosswalk, my feet making the choice for me. I need a job more than I need coffee, and working at a store specializing in selling camping and hiking goods is definitely better than working at a cafe. The door dings as I open it and I feel the tension in my shoulders release while I step inside. It’s almost like the heavens knew exactly what I needed the most right now and dropped this right in my lap.
Now, I only hope Millie doesn’t discover I work here.
Chapter 4
ALEX
Ilookattheclock for what seems like the hundredth time. It’s been only fifteen minutes since the last time I looked. I suppose that isn’t so bad. That means fifteen whole minutes of me staring at this page, filled with words I’ve read at least five times. Nothing is really cementing itself inside my brain. It’s anatomy—something I will need if I want to follow in my father’s footsteps and become a doctor. Honestly, it’s something my parents have always wanted for me. It’s what I should have been working toward the last two years rather than training for the Olympics. I really thought I was going to make the team. I’m fast—faster than anyone I’ve ever met, until, that is, I met some of the fastest people over the summer at camp.
In July, when Seth and I first started camp, I knew we weren’t going to make it. I could see it in the way the others stood, how they stared at me. I could see that track had become one with them. It was in their blood. They had been training for this moment since they could walk. Even their parents were athletes. At least, so it seemed.
Whereas, in my case, I merely ran to escape the turmoil in my life. I ran to deal with stress. When I discovered I was good at it, I decided to join a team, get even better. The Olympics would have been amazing, but after failing twice, I feel absolutely nothing. I’m upset, but not as much as Seth. I’m mostly upset, because now I must go back to the drawing board—I must figure out what’s next in my life.
Is it med school?
I don’t know. In all honesty I find studying absolutely boring. I could do it. I’m smart. I’ve aced nearly every test put in front of me. I could pass the GAMSAT. But do I want to? I’ve been studying this book for the past week and I feel as if I’m wasting time; time I could put to better use. I just need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Wasting away here, inside this beautiful house, just isn’t going to cut it. I need to figure it out soon. I have about a month until the GAMSAT test, but even that hasn’t lit a fire under my ass. Even if I do take it, pass it, then what? Do I find a med school near Aurora? Is there a med school near Aurora?
I sigh while leaning back into my chair, tossing my pencil onto the desk in front of me. I think I need a break. I’ve taken at least five since I started at noon and it’s only four now, which means I’ve barely gotten any work done. “What am I doing?” I ask myself, running a hand through my hair, which is in desperate need for a cut and color. It’s not the first time I’ve asked myself this. Maybe the first time I’ve voiced it aloud.
Tilting my head back, I allow my mind to wander. It brings me back to camp, during these past two months, training alongside Seth. I’ve tried not to think about those long summer days, but my mind refuses to listen to me. My heart skips as I recall the sweat sliding down Seth’s throat, the way his tanned skin glistening in the sunlight, how he would run his hands through his hair. I clench my jaw as I remember those dark eyes watching me during the day. They had been always watching me, waiting for the sun to dip low and the shadows of darkness to conceal our desires.
I miss those nights where we could be open with each other, when his hands were on me, his pressing against mine and how the air was filled with the sounds of our pants. My skin tingles with desire recalling how he felt pressed close to me. It’s been at least two weeks or more since I’ve been that close to him. He’s so terrified of Lucas and Hunter discovering the truth. I can understand his concerns. I’m still a bit confused about what’s going on between us. I love Rachel. I’m still attracted to women. There’s no other guy I want to be with, but that’s what makes this thing between us special. I don’t know about him, but he’s the only guy I can share myself with—the only man I want to kiss, touch, and have sex with. I don’t want to hide it anymore. I want to shout my love to the world.
But is this love?
I don’t know if there’s a difference between gay love. Most likely not. Love is love. I’m just over thinking this, because I’ve never been in love with a man before. I wish there was someone I could talk to about all this. I could talk to Rachel, but she’s a girl. A heterosexual girl who has never kept a secret this big in her whole life. What advice could she give me aside from telling me how to put up with Seth’s sensitive, overbearing ways?
Maybe the first thing I should do is talk this out with Seth, tell him how I feel, how I want us to be open at least in front of Lucas and Hunter. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. We don’t have to hold hands in the mall, or go on dinner dates. Not yet, at least. I would like to eventually build up to that, but we can start out slow. We don’t have to start making out in front of Lucas and Hunter. I also think they have a right to know. They’re important to me, too. I don’t think they will even care. They may even be hurt that we kept such a big secret from them.
Maybe.
But Seth may shut down if I bring this up. I tried kissing him this morning after our run, but his eyes went all wide and he pushed me away. He even went on his tiptoes—peaking over my shoulder to see if Lucas and Hunter were around even though he should have known Lucas was at work and Hunter and Rachel were in class. I will never force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do, but I don’t want to stay in the closet anymore. And he shouldn’t feel like he has to.
I straighten in my seat when I hear the door in the living room open and close. “Hello?” Seth’s voice echoes through the house. “Anyone home?”
“I’m here!” I shout while opening my bedroom door. I step out of my room, my feet moving quickly down the stairs. Seth hovers near the front door, his backpack slung over one shoulder, his face set in a grim look. He’s wearing a navy-blue shirt with ‘Fleet Feet’ printed on his chest in bright yellow. His khaki pants are a bit wrinkled. He looks exhausted, but handsome all the same.
“How was your first day back?” I ask as brightly as I can muster. I stop just a foot from him, tempted to place a chaste kiss on his lips, but I don’t. That may be a bit too housewife-like, even for me.
