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He bites his quivering lip before nodding and turning around. He walks out the door, only sparing a second look at me before climbing into his car. A feeling of despair washes over me as I watch him drive away, and it’s only seconds before I’m a blubbering mess once again.
THE NEXT COUPLE OF days pass at an agonizingly slow pace. I try to focus on studying for finals, but my mind keeps going back to Holden. We haven’t spoken since he showed up at my job, and there’s so much left unsaid. Yet, I still don’t know what to say.
“Do you want these muffins before I throw them away?” Dawson asks me, getting ready to close for the night.
I shake my head. One of the side effects from dealing with all this sadness, is a complete relapse into my eating disorder. I haven’t been as bad as I once was, with tracking calories and staying below a ridiculously unhealthy goal. However, I know I’m not eating nearly as much as I’m supposed to be. I guess that’s what happens when you lack an appetite and don’t have an overly attentive jock up your ass.
“Can you give me a ride home?” I ask as I hear the rain pouring down onto the roof.
Dawson is quiet before speaking in a tone that screams he’s up to something. “Yeah, about that.”
“What?” I say impassively.
“You, kind of, already have a ride.”
He nods his head toward the door just as it swings open. I stay completely still, knowing that if I turn around I’m going to find Holden standing there – and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. My eyes bore into Dawson, wondering why in the world he would set me up like this. He must read my mind because he puts his hands up defensively at my stare.
“I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you’re both completely miserable and I really think you need to talk.”
As much as I hate being blindsided, he has a point. Him and I do need to talk - get all of this out into the open. We’re at a crossroads and we need to figure out where we go from here. No matter what the outcome may be, I know we can’t leave things like this.
Chapter Twenty One
I slowly turn around and let my eyes run over Holden for the first time in three days. He looks as if he hasn’t slept a minute. His hair is drenched from the rain, clinging to his forehead and freshly wiped from his eyes. The sweatpants he’s wearing make him look incredibly soft, but also tell me he’s been just as upset as I have.
“Hi.” I breathe.
“I’m just gonna go… anywhere but here.” Dawson says to no one before slipping out the door.
Holden gestures toward the couch in the corner. “Can we sit?” I nod and lead the way over, sitting down as soon as I get there. He sits down next to me. The distance between us is a harsh reminder of how different things are right now. I burrow myself deeper into my sweatshirt, suddenly feeling insanely self-conscious.
“I’m so sorry.” He starts. “You have to know, I never meant for that to happen.”
I roll my eyes. “But it did happen. We had an agreement. No kissing other people. I mean, if you want to hook up with someone else, then that’s your choice. It’s not like we’re together, but…”
“Don’t.” He cuts me off. “Don’t downplay what we have. You and I both know it’s more than just friends with benefits.”
My heart skips a beat and my breathing slows. “Then why? Why her? I was in the next room. If you really needed to shove your tongue down someone’s throat you could have just come to me.”
He looks down, frowning and messing with the frayed edge of his hoodie sleeve. “I got really drunk. I was upset about missing my parents. It happens every year around the holidays. I sat down on the couch and waited for you. A girl jumped into my lap and kissed me, and in my drunken state I thought she was you.”
I laugh humorlessly. “Really Holden? Blaming it on the alcohol?”
“No.” He replies, shaking his head. “I’m blaming no one and nothing but myself. I made a colossal mistake. I just want to make it better.”
“And how are you going to do that?”
“By showing you how much you mean to me.” I stay quiet. He takes a deep breath and continues. “I’ve never felt anything close to the way I feel about you. You’re the one person I can spend every waking moment around and still feel like I need more. I can’t get close enough to you, no matter how hard I try. When I’m with you, I come alive – and when I’m not, my heart hurts.”
He’s saying all the right things, but his words are tainted by images of another girl on his lap. Everything I was trying to avoid by not dating him, happened anyway. All my safeguards still couldn’t save me from the pain of seeing him with someone else.
“I’m not asking for you to forgive and forget.” He swallows, clearly getting emotional. “I’m just asking for a chance to show you how serious I am about you.”
Can I give him that, though? Will I be able to handle another disappointment from him? I did everything I could to keep myself from getting hurt, and still wound up feeling like my heart was ripped from my chest. Nevertheless, the thought of losing him makes me feel like there’s no end to this misery. I may as well let him try to make it
better.
“I can’t just jump into a relationship with you.” I whisper. “Not yet.”
