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Shaking my head, I undressed quickly and stood under the shower, letting the cold water wash over me before it warmed. I showered quickly, avoiding looking at the scars that were yet another proof of my fucked-up-ness. I'd already had a shitty night; I didn't need the memories ruining my day too.
Turning off the shower, I dried myself before slipping into the clothes I’d brought into the shower. Pulling my sleeves over my wrists, I realized that maybe I didn’t need to hide all of me now that Scott knew my past.
Blowing out a breath, I pulled my sleeves up to my elbows, leaving the scars on my wrists out in the open for the first time in a year, and left the room before I could change my mind or over think. I pulled my hair into a bun as I walked into the living room. I could hear the music coming from the kitchen, so that’s where I headed.
“It smells delicious in here.” I took a deep breath as I walked in, taking in the scent of frying eggs, buttered toast, and a fresh pot of coffee. Scott looked up from where he was working on the eggs and smiled at me. “The smell of coffee is the best thing to wake up to,” he intoned, making me smile.
His eyes examined me from head to toe, and his smile widened when he saw my bare arms. Did he realize what it meant? Did he know how much I’d come to trust him, this man who wouldn’t leave me alone all those months ago? I wondered what would've happened if he hadn't lured me into readingBastien Whitewith him. Would I still be avoiding him? Or would he have found some other way to befriend me?
Still smiling, he dished out the eggs and toast before placing them on the kitchen counter, and I did the same with the coffee, adding milk and sugar to his. We sat side by side on the barstools, and I curled my palm around the warm coffee mug while grabbing a fork with my other hand. I wasn’t sure what to say to him. Did I ignore everything that happened last night? Did I thank him again?
“Luke,” Scott said before I could decide, and the strangled, hoarse edge to his voice made me look up at him. But he wasn’t looking at me. No, he was looking at my wrists, at the bracelet-like scars that covered them. Wearing metal cuffs for close to two years did that to your skin, unfortunately.
He grabbed my hands, gently, like he always was with me—even before I’d told him about my past, which was why it didn’t feel like he was trying to treat me with kid gloves like some people did—and moved them so they were resting in his hands, palms up. His thumb traced the scars, and for the first time in my life, I was glad for them. Because they hid the other scars, the scars I’d never want Scott to see or know about. The scars I’d made myself. I hadn’t cut in months, but the evidence was still there, hidden as it was by the other, more prominent scars.
A drop of wetness plopped into my palm, and I realized with a start it was a teardrop.
“Scott?” I whispered, staring at his bowed head.
He startled as if he’d been a million miles away and slowly pulled away, rubbing at his eyes roughly. “Shit, sorry. I just—I know it’s stupid and pointless, but I hate that you suffered so much. I wish I could help somehow, that I could go back in time and help you when you needed it most.” He shook his head as if trying to shake the words away.
This time, it was me who grabbed his hand, and I gripped it tightly with both of mine as I leaned forward, urging him to look up. When he did, I made sure to lock my eyes with his as I said, “You do, Scott. More than you realize. These past few months have been the best days of my life. You’ve helped me turn back into the person I was before him. Sure, I’m still fucked up in a lot of ways, but you’ve taught me how to smile again, to laugh, and how toliveagain. I didn’t—I didn’t think I’d ever feel like that again. You’re the best thing that's ever happened to me, Scott Riley.”
He bit his lip as if he didn’t believe me, and then I was moving before I’d made a conscious decision to do so. I leaned closer to him and pressed my lips to his. I kissed him slowly, softly, and he repaid in kind, his lips caressing mine gently. I was glad to be holding his hand, though, because I wasn’t sure I could deal with him touching me. It’d be too much.
I pulled away quickly as my brain came back online, shocked that I’d kissed him. His eyes, though, they were the warmest I’d ever seen them, the amber glowing bright. I closed my own eyes and stiffened as I realized what I’d just done. I’d just ruined our friendship. Because why would he want to be with me as anything other than a friend? When he could find any guy out there with far less baggage and scars? I bowed my head, trying to figure out how I’d get out of this place. Maybe I could bo—
“Stop, Luke.” My eyes snapped open at his words, but I didn’t look up at him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t see pity in the eyes that I’d only seen warmth in for as long as I'd known him.
“Luke, look at me.” His voice was soft but determined, and I found myself looking up at him. It wasn’t there. There was no disgust, no pity in his eyes, just the same warmth as always. More so than usual, actually.
“I know you probably won’t believe me because I knowyou,but you’re the best thing that ever happened to me too, Luke Smith. You’re not fucked up. The people in your life were. But you, you are beautiful and bright, clever and snarky, and I...I care about you a lot.”
I stared at him with a frown. I never knew what to expect from this gentle, amazing man. Did he really mean that? Did he really care about me that much? “What are you saying, Scott?”
Scott smiled at me with a soft look in his eyes before replying, “I’m saying that I’d like you to kiss me again. I’m saying that the next time we go out, I want to go as your date. I’m saying that maybe I’d like to be your best friendandyour boyfriend.”
I was sure my confusion was written on my face in neon letters. I shook my head, dislodging my bun with my intensity. Freeing one hand, I pushed my hair behind my ears as I thought about what I wanted to say. “You can do so much better, Scott. There are thousands of guys out there who’d be a better match for you, who have a lot less baggage, and a lot more they can give you. I don’t want to do anything that may lead to me losing you, Scott.”
Scott shook his head, grabbing my free hand and squeezing it. “I don’t care if there are a million other guys out there that you think might be a better fit for me, Luke. And you know why? Because none of them would be you. You mean so much to me. I don’t care about your baggage. I’ll help you and share the load with you if you’d let me, and I’d do it happily.”
I closed my eyes, shaking my head. “I’m scared, Scott. I can’t lose you. Ican’t.And if we do this, I know I will. I won’t be able to be everything you need, and then you’ll leave me, and I’ll be all alone again.” My voice shook as I said that last part, but it was true. Sure, I had Angie and Mama D, but they didn't get me the way Scott did. They didn't make me feel complete the way Scott did.
“I willneverleave you, Luke, trust me on that. And you are everything I need. Everything I want.” His voice was gentle, his grip on my hand firm, but he didn't get what I was trying to say.
I breathed unsteadily, realizing I’d have to spell it out for him. “I can’t have sex with you, Scott. I probably never will. I want to, but Ican’t. And even if you say you’re fine with it, you won’t be later. And then you’ll dump me, and you’ll leave.” My voice had lowered to a whisper as I voiced out my biggest fear. Who would want someone who couldn’t even give them something as simple as sex? Except it wasn't. It was painful and humiliating, and the worst form of torture. And even though IknewScott would always be gentle with me, even the idea of sex with him scared the shit out of me.
Then there was a finger at my chin, tipping my face up. “Open your eyes, Lu.”
My heart warmed at the nickname, and I opened my eyes despite myself to meet his warm gaze. “I don’t care about sex, Luke.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but he shook his head. "Hear me out. Do you know what demisexuality is?"
I nodded because of course I did. The orientation at Voice Out had included a brief introduction about various labels and what they meant.
"Well, that's me. I’m somewhere on the demi-slash-graysexual spectrum. It takes me a long time to be comfortable enough with someone to even want to have sex with them. And sex has never been something I'veneededin a relationship. If we never have sex, I'd still be the happiest guy out there. And if someday down the road, you're comfortable enough to have sex, and I am too, then I'd love to share that with you, but not until we’rebothready." I heard the sincerity in his voice, and I believed him because he had no reason to lie. Why would he work so hard to get someone like me if he didn't actually like me?
He took a deep breath and looked into my eyes, his warm gaze grounding me and making my heart flutter all at the same time. “Give us a chance, Lu.”
