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I shied away when he tried to touch me, not because I was scared of him but because my skin felt as if it was still coated with all that blood andhistouch. I couldn't let Scott touch me when my skin felt so vile.
"S-sorry. I need a shower," I stuttered as I slipped off the bed, curling my arms around myself protectively.
Scott nodded, and I could see the worry in his eyes. I hated making him feel like that. I hated ruining his sleep with my shit.
"Go ahead. I'll make us some tea while you're in there," Scott said because he knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep for a while now. He gave me a reassuring smile as I grabbed a change of clothes and hurried to the bathroom.
I turned the shower on at its hottest setting and stood below it, the blistering heat washing away the sweat and the dirty feeling. I scrubbed my skin roughly without looking at it. I was sure the sight of my scars would be enough to push me back into that hell and make me puke. I closed my eyes and scrubbed my back as best I could, wishing I could forget the nightmare, forget thememories.What would’ve happened if I hadn’t said yes tohimthat day? If I hadn’t been so stupid, so naïve? What would’ve happened if that maid hadn’t found me that day?
I shook my head and turned off the shower. I’d asked myself those questions a thousand times before, and thinking about the what-ifs only hurt more. I quickly donned my oversized jumper, one of the few items of clothing I had frombefore.The cops had brought me my old bag fromhishouse. Most of my clothes had been bought by him, so I’d left those behind, only keeping the ones in my bag. I wished I could throw away my memories of him just as easily. My eyes drifted toward the cabinet below the sink as I scratched my wrist. I knew that was where Scott kept his shaving kit, and my fingers itched to grab one of those blades and relieve a bit of this pain, those memories.
"I've seen your scars, slut. I know you love the pain. You yearn for it.”His voice rang through my head, and I stumbled toward the toilet, barely managing to get the lid up before puking my guts out into the bowl. Tears streamed through my eyes as shudders racked through me. I tried to push my hair away to keep it from getting smeared before a hand held them away from my face while Scott’s familiar warmth enveloped me. His hand rubbed circles on my back as I heaved and I closed my eyes. I still couldn’t fathom why Scott wanted me as a friend, much less a boyfriend. What had I ever done to deserve someone like him?
Once there was nothing left to vomit, I flushed the toilet and stumbled to my feet. Scott didn’t say anything, just rubbed my back and tucked my hair behind my ears. I cringed at the taste in my mouth and moved toward the sink. “Let me brush my teeth.”
Scott nodded before stepping away, though he stayed in the bathroom doorway, the worry still clear in his eyes. I turned towards the sink and quickly brushed my teeth, not letting my mind drift. I washed my face once I was done before turning to face Scott. He gave me a soft smile before gesturing behind him. “The tea’s ready.”
He extended his hand toward me, and I took it, grateful for the warm, firm grip of his hand on mine. He led me to the couch, and I huddled up in a corner. He was back with the tea and some cookies in a minute. Placing them on the table, he took a seat on the couch, though he left some space between us. I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit—I mean, Ihadstopped him from touching me, but only because I’d felt dirty—or if he’d finally realized how much of a mess I was. I grabbed my tea for something to do and took a sip, letting its warmth wash over me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Scott’s voice was soft, and I wanted to. I so wanted to. But that would mean telling him how much of a mess I was, how fucked up I was, inside and out. What if he thought it was too much? What if he didn’t want to date me anymore? I wouldn’t fault him if he did, but I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him too much.
My whole body shook as I tried to figure out what to say. I looked up at him as tears gathered in my eyes, hoping he could see the desperation in my eyes. I wished I could tell him, but I didn’t want to lose him. I wasn’t sure I could survive if I did.
“Oh, Luke.” Scott’s voice was soft as he sat up and opened his arms in invitation. A sob broke out of me as I placed my cup on the table with shaking hands before throwing myself in his arms. My face found that safe spot in the crook of his neck, and I let myself go as I clung to him. I sobbed as my tears wet his neck, wanting to tell him just how much ithurtbut too scared of losing him. He was the best thing in my life, and I knew it was unfair to him, but he was the only thing keeping me from falling over the edge right then.
He held me tightly, and his warmth, his soft words made me feel secure. Safe. “I hate seeing you hurt, Lu. I wish I could do something to help.”
“You do,” I mumbled against his neck. “You don’t realize how much you’ve helped me, Scott.”
Scott pressed a kiss on top of my head, his fingers running through my hair. “I love you.” His voice was soft, and like they did every time he said them, the words warmed my heart and made me feel just a tad better.
As if Scott knew that, he kept on whispering the words in the same voice, and I let it wash over me. But then the doubts creeped in. Would he feel the same when he realized how messed up I was, mentallyandphysically? Scott hadn’t seen any of my scars other than the ones on my wrist, and even those he didn’t know the full story of. I’d never let him so much as slip his hand below my shirt when we kissed, and he’d never pushed the issue. Would he still feel the same way about me when he saw them? He deserved to know, to see everything, didn’t he? But more than that, I wanted to show him. I was tired of hiding from him. I wanted him to see all of me, and a part of me believed he wouldn’t leave me because of them. I had faith in him. As wrong as I'd been in trustinghim,I knew with everything in me that Scott deserved my trust. He'd earned it through his kindness and love, and it was time he saw all of me.
“Luke?”
I looked into his eyes, the warmth that had first made me trust him shining through them. “I’m tired of hiding, Scott. I don’t want to hide anymore, not from you. If you don’t want to be with me anymore after, I’d understand. But I’d still like to be friends, please. I can’t lose you.” Tears streaked down my cheeks and I roughly wiped them away, silently begging Scott to promise me that.
“Nothing will make me love you less, Lu. I promise.” I closed my eyes as I tucked that promise safely into my heart, praying Scott wouldn't break it.
I turned away from him and took a deep breath. The scars on my back were worse, but the ones on my front were uglier. I closed my eyes as I grabbed the hem of my jumper and pulled it off before I lost my courage.
I heard Scott gasp and squeezed my eyes to keep them shut. I couldn’t bear to see the disgust on his face, disgust aimed at me, at the mess of scars that was my back.
“Oh, baby…” There was pain in his voice, but no revulsion. Or maybe he was good at hiding it. Whatever the reason, it gave me the courage to take a deep breath and turn around. I turned my head toward the ceiling and trained my eyes on it as I bared my front to him. “Ugly, isn’t it?” I asked as tears poured down my cheeks.
Even without looking, I knew exactly where the brand was. Wherehehad branded the wordsluton my stomach so that no one else would ever touch me. “Why would anyone ever want to touch me with a body like this? Hell, why wouldIwant someone to touch me when the last person I’d trusted with it did this?”
I couldn’t speak anymore, and Scott’s silence told me I’d been wrong. Maybe he really couldn’t see past those scars; maybe I’d given him too much credit. I stumbled backward without looking at him, wiping my eyes as I did. “I’ll go. As I said, I understand. I’m sorry.” My words were steady even as my heart broke. I shouldn’t have trusted his promise. I shouldn’t have told him. Now, I’d lost the only person who’d ever wanted to love me. I whirled away from him before I did something stupid like begging him to not leave me. I’d have to go back to my room now, right? No more snuggling up with Scott. I’d have to look for a new place too.
As I stepped around the coffee table, Scott spoke up. “Lu, wait.” It was the nickname that stopped me from walking away.
If he wanted to leave me, he wouldn’t use my nickname, would he? I couldn’t bring myself to turn around, so I waited to hear what he wanted to say. He walked over to me and stood before me. With his index finger, he nudged my chin toward him, and I finally, finally met his eyes. My eyes widened when I realized his cheeks were wet, his eyes red as if he’d been rubbing them. He’d been crying. That’s why he hadn’t said anything. There was no loathing, no hate in his eyes, just a lot of pain. Pain forme.
He leaned forward slowly, letting me know his intentions before pressing his lips to mine in the softest of kisses. His thumbs wiped away my tears as he held my face between his palms, and the love in his touch, in his eyes, made me tremble. “I thought...I thought you were disgusted.”
Scott’s eyes widened, and he shook his head once before holding me more firmly. “You are beautiful, Lu. I feel sick even thinking about the man who did this to you, who hurt you so much. But I love you. I told you—nothing will make me love you less, and I meant that.”
I tucked my head under his chin as he held me, and the tears started anew. How did I have so many tears in me? Would they ever end?
