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I threw the towel in the laundry basket once I was done before climbing up on the bed and snuggling against Charlie. I pulled the comforter above us before turning to look at them. They watched me with a soft smile on their face, and I lost myself in their blue eyes. I was pretty sure I’d just moved that much closer to falling in love with them because what we’d just done? It was perfect.
“Is it always like this?” Charlie asked, breaking the silence we’d fallen into.
I mulled over their question for a minute before answering. “Not for me, it isn’t. I don’t really get to…” I trailed off, unsure how to continue.
“Get to what?” they asked, voice full of curiosity.
“I don’t get to be the one in control. The one on top.” I wondered if they’d ask to top me next time. I was surprised to realize that I wouldn’t deny them if they did. I really was falling for them, wasn’t I?
“Well, that’s just stupid because you were made to be in control,” Charlie scoffed, surprising the hell out of me.
I waved my hands down at my body as I stared at them like they’d lost their mind. “My body is the literal definition of a twink. How can I be made to be in control?”
Charlie shook their head at me as if they were surprised I was even arguing with them. “It’s not about the size of your body, babe. You’re just a natural at taking control. And I love giving it to you.”
I smiled at them, my heart warming because for the first time, I felt like someone had finally seen the real me. “Well, I guess then we’re perfect for each other, aren’t we?”
Charlie smiled as they shifted closer, and I sank into their embrace, my heart feeling fuller than it ever had as I breathed in their scent. If this was what it felt like to fall in love, then I was glad I’d finally found the one made for me.
17
Charlie
SomethingfeltdifferentwhenI woke up, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I lay in bed for fifteen minutes trying to figure it out, but the answer wouldn’t come. Giving up, I finally made myself leave the comfy warmth of my bed. The past couple of months had been the best months of my life. After we’d had sex for the first time, Brady and I had become absolutely inseparable. The only reason I was alone in my bed today was that Kasey wasn’t at work, and Brady had to leave early to open the café. Since it was the weekend, I had the day off, and I didn’t really feel like going to Voice Out without him.
Thinking about Brady instantly brought a smile to my lips. I was pretty sure I was in love with the man, but I hadn’t managed to gather up the courage to tell him yet. Because what if he didn’t feel the same? Brady was all I had, and I’d rather keep my feelings to myself than risk losing him.
Putting some toothpaste on my toothbrush, I stuck it in my mouth before looking up into the mirror. I froze as the realization slammed into me with the force of a freight train. I was different today. That was what I had been feeling. I brushed my teeth quickly as I stared at the mirror, cataloging all the things on my body that I didn’t want. My beard, the faint mustache, the hair on my arms…why was there so much hair?
I’d slept shirtless, and I winced when my eyes fell on my flat chest. That was wrong too. Everything was wrong.
I washed up quickly, my hands shaking slightly as the ache in my chest deepened. This wasn’t me. This body…it wasn’t who I was. I swallowed the whimper that was building up in my throat and closed my eyes, taking deep breaths as I tried to rein in the panic. I could fix this. I could. I’d lived my whole life like this. Nothing had changed. Except everything had.
Once I felt steadier, I grabbed the shaving kit and lathered up my cheeks and jaw, carefully shaving off my beard and mustache. I was extra cautious because I didn’t want to cut myself, especially since I could still feel the slight buzz of anxiety under my skin. Once I’d washed off the foam, I eyed myself as I forced myself to not look at my chest and smiled. Just that small gesture made me feel so much more…myself.
I spent the next twenty minutes shaving my arms and legs because it felt like the right thing to do. I knew exactly what I wanted to wear today, and I wanted my legs to look smooth and hairless when I wore it. Once I was done, I undressed completely and stepped into the shower, intending to take a quick shower before I put some of the makeup skills I’d learned to use. But as soon as I looked down at myself, I cringed. Why was this so difficult? I just wanted to take a shower. Why did it have to feel so wrong?
I shut my eyes, leaning my forehead against the glass wall of the shower stall and letting its coolness seep into me. I gasped as my heart beat erratically, my chest feeling heavier than it had in months. What did I do? I didn’t want to feel like this. I just wanted to be…me. Why was that so hard? It was like now that I’d accepted who I was, every trick I’d used to get through thebad days, as I’d called them, was no longer working.
I kept my eyes closed as I blindly turned on the shower knob, sighing as warm water fell on me, loosening some of the tension in my muscles. I opened my eyes in narrow slits so I could grab the loofah and soak it in some of the fruity body wash that I knew for a fact wasn’t mine. Was it something else Brady had left for me? When I pumped it out of the bottle, I realized it was the same scent Brady carried, only much more concentrated. A smile drifted onto my lips despite the heaviness in my chest as I imagined smelling like Brady. Using the loofah, I quickly washed my body, avoiding touching skin, especially when I reached between my legs.
I breathed a sigh of relief once I was done and grabbed the fluffy bathrobe from the peg by the door, quickly covering myself with it. When my eyes fell on myself in the mirror this time, I felt much better. The thick material of the bathrobe gave my chest some definition it didn’t have, and I could almost imagine that my body was exactly the way I wanted it to be. Shaking my head, I stepped out of the bathroom, walking over to the closet and opening it. It was only when I saw the dress I’d been planning to wear that I realized the problem. The dress was gorgeous, and it was exactly my size. But that also meant that it would hug my body and make me see something that I didn’t really want to see right now. My flat chest.
I flopped onto my bed, burying my face in my palms as I tried to keep tears of frustration and anger at bay. Why was this hitting me so hard? This wasn’t the first time I’d had days like this, was it? What had I done when I’d felt like this before? Buried myself under the blankets and told everyone I was sick, I remembered. I shuddered at the idea of doing that again, mostly because Brady would know I was lying but also because I didn’t want to hide anymore. I had done that for thirty years, and it had been awful.
But what did I do now? How did I feel better when I felt like I didn’t fit in my own body? When I felt like my body wasn’t even mine? I knew what I needed, at least I had a slight inkling, but I had no clue how to go about it.
A months-old conversation fluttered into my mind, and I realized there was someone other than Brady I could ask. Someone who would understand how I was feeling and would definitely know how to help me.
I scrambled across my bed to grab my phone from the bedside table, and scrolling through my contacts, I found the number I’d been looking for and hit dial before I could overthink.
“Hello, Delilah Sparks speaking.” Mama D’s warm voice greeted me across the line, and I sank into the bed, clearing my throat as I tried to speak.
“Mama D? It’s…Charlie. Brady’s…partner?” I added, hoping she remembered me, and I wouldn’t have to introduce myself again.
“Of course! I’m so happy you and Brady got together. I knew it the moment I saw you together, of course, but I’m glad you kids figured it out too.” I blushed even though she couldn’t see me.
“Um, thank you. I’m sorry I called you on the weekend. I just…I needed some help, and I couldn’t think of anyone else I could ask.”
