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“They’re closer than I thought,” he says.
“But they look camped for the night. Let’s push the horses a little farther before we do the same.”
“I think they’re still on the main road. They didn’t spot the wagon. They think we’re going southeast to Briska. We should make camp now. We’ve pushed the horses long enough. The poor things need a break.”
We don’t risk a fire, lest our enemies be able to see us as easily as we spotted them. But Kellyn stakes up the tent, while I retrieve the bedrolls and dinner.
It isn’t until I’m walking back over to the mercenary that I’m struck with the most violent bout of nerves.
Sometimes it happens like that. It’ll come out of nowhere, and I can’t even immediately place why I’m feeling it. Sometimes there’s no reason at all. But most of the time, it has to do with the people around me.
And I’ve just realized that there’s only one person around me.
It’s just me and Kellyn and one tent.
The mercenary and I have traveled across Ghadra before, but we were joined by my sister and Petrik. It’s never been the two of us alone like this and we have a history and there was kissing and touching and feelings and then Temra was wounded and things were bad and—
“Ziva.”
I look up into those golden-brown eyes, and the anxiety only gets worse.
“Hey, just breathe. It’s okay. What can I do?”
“Could you just, um, go away for a moment?”
A beat of silence. Then, “Yes. I can do that.”
I feel like a monster for asking, but I don’t take the words back. I wait as he walks away in the direction of our pursuers, putting himself between them and me. I watch him go until he disappears entirely.
And then I can breathe again.
I focus on the task of unrolling our bedrolls, plumping the flat pillows, adding extra blankets. I unsaddle the horses. Give them long leads so they can rest and roam. And then I return to the tent and sit on my side of it.
With nothing left to do, I’m forced to deal with my thoughts.
Kellyn’s not going to hurt you. Nothing scary is going to happen. He won’t say anything to embarrass or humiliate you. He’s not like that.
Well, he’s usually not like that. Sometimes he can’t help his teasing.
And you like his teasing. You like teasing him. It’s a give-and-take.
I focus on my breathing, try to rub the uncomfortable tingles out of my arms. I feel a little better being alone, but now I’m stressing out over the moment Kellyn returns. What if I say something humiliating? What if I do something embarrassing? I’m stuck with him for Goddesses know how long until we make it back to Skiro.
I rock in place, trying to soothe myself, trying to calm my out-of-control thoughts.
Kellyn finds me like that, huddled in the tent. I’m sure he was gone at least an hour, and yet I’m still a mess.
“I hate that I’m this way, and I hate that you have to see me this way,” I mumble. I pull my blanket around my arms and let the edge rest over the top of my head, giving me a small barrier between myself and Kellyn. He takes a seat atop his bedroll. I keep my face straight ahead so he can’t see it.
“We were talking just fine while we traveled. What changed? Did I do something?” he asks.
“It was, um, the realization that we’re alone and sleeping in the same tent.”
“You know I would never—”
“I know,” I interrupt. “It’s not that. It’s not about you. It doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t make sense. I just feel this way sometimes. And it’s painful and it makes it hard to think.”
He folds his hands into his lap. I see the movement out of the corner of my eye. “Do you want to talk about it? Talk through it? Would that help?”
