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“I don’t know.”
“Okay.”
I talk it through with Temra all the time. She’s forgiving. She accepts me. She loves me unconditionally because she’s my sister.
Kellyn isn’t forced to accept me. He could reject me at any moment, and that makes this so much harder. He’s only doing this to be polite. I don’t want to be pitied.
But we must work together if we’re to get through this, and if there’s anything I can do to lessen my anxiety, I have to try.
Kellyn waits, and I search for words in my clouded head. Every nerve in my body screams at me to leave. To be alone. To go somewhere safe.
But there are enemies on our trail, and I’m safest here.
“Think of the most embarrassing moment of your life,” I say.
After a few seconds, he says, “All right. I’ve got it.”
“Think about how that made you feel. Now multiply the sensation by a hundred and imagine feeling that way every time another person is around you. Or just feeling it for no reason at all. And how all it does is force you to reflect on every stupid thing you’ve ever done in front of another person. Each momentadds to it as you remember them, and soon you’re spiraling out of control.”
Kellyn draws in a breath. “That’show you feel every day?”
“Yes. And sometimes I feel so tired, even though I haven’t done anything. It’s like my head and heart have run a marathon on their own, and only solitude will help them regain their strength.”
I feel Kellyn rise, notice the dip in my bedroll as he places himself next to me. Then there’s warmth as he wraps me in his arms.
“Does this help or make it worse?” he asks.
“Both.”
“And if I squeeze tighter?”
“It might tip on the side of helping more.”
He leans his head against mine, and there’s just something about having someone try to understand that makes me feel a little better.
“I need you to know that I’m really glad I’m not alone,” I say. “I’m glad you’re with me. I am. It makes me feel safer. But there are just times when I need to be alone for my own sanity. Does that make sense?”
“I think so. Thank you for telling me. For helping me understand. I will never know exactly what you go through, but I hope you know you can always trust me with how you’re feeling or with what you need.”
“Thank you.”
After a time, he asks, “Do you want to hear my most embarrassing moment?”
“Of course.”
As he holds me, he tells me about one of his first jobs as a mercenary. “He came out of nowhere. Stole the purse right off my charge’s saddle. I chased him down through the middle of thecrowded road. I didn’t see where the water had gathered into a puddle from the rain the night before. I hit it at a full run, slipped, and fell flat on my back in the filthy muck. He got away.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” I say.
“Well, at the time, I thought my employer was attractive. I slipped, had the wind knocked out of me, and lost the money in front of a beautiful girl. If that weren’t bad enough, that night, they were telling stories about me in the tavern I visited to find a new job. Someone pointed me out, and I got to relive the humiliation all over again. I had to travel to the next town over for work.”
Now I’m giggling, the tension and discomfort finally abating.
But my thoughts go wild. I try to picture the beautiful girl he met. Did they have something while they traveled together? Did they kiss? Did they do more than kiss? Does he still think about her?
I shut my eyes as tightly as I can, as if that will make the thoughts go away.
And then one of Kellyn’s hands rubs up and down my arm, giving me something else to focus on. That pleasant warmth and friction. I count the strokes as my breaths deepen and my mind finally goes quiet.
