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Living for you.
The rain starts to come down, and Kellyn and I huddle in the tent. We give up our extra blankets to the horses so they can stay dry better. The trees block most of the rain but not all.
“Kellyn,” I say all the sudden. “You’re an oldest child.”
“Eleven times over.”
“How did you justify leaving your family to become a mercenary?”
Kellyn pulls off his boots before sitting atop his own bedroll. “I gave the first years of my life to my family. I still send them money all the time to help out. But I wanted to see the world. There was no reason why I couldn’t have a family and do that. There was no need to justify it. I’m a person, and I deserve to be happy.”
“Being with your family doesn’t make you happy?”
“It does. But I get restless after a time. Seeing my family is made even more special when I’ve been away for a while. Does that make sense?”
“Sort of. Temra has always been in my plans for my future. I want to make weapons in a secluded place where no one can find me. Somewhere safe, just me and Temra.”
Kellyn flicks a couple droplets out of his hair. “I’ve spent a lot of time with your sister, and I can promise you those aren’t her plans for the future.”
“But of course they are! She can be a soldier in a small, secluded town somewhere—”
“No, Temra wants to be seen. She wants to be around other people. She wants to laugh and make more friends and more memories. She likes attention and camaraderie. She loves you and being around you. But she also loves more.”
His words ring true, hollowing out my chest. Because of courseTemra wants more than just me. She’s always been enough for me, but just me is not enough for her.
And I think that maybe, even if Temra isn’t dead, I’ve lost her in a different sense. She’s had a taste of adventure; she’s never coming back from that. She has Petrik to make a life with, if she’ll stop being stubborn and realize she loves him, too.
And she loves me, obviously. But she will live for herself. Because she’s always done that. She’s never had to live for me the way I’ve lived for her. Maybe it would have been different if she’d been born first. If she’d had to sacrifice and work harder to protect me. But she’s only ever had to look out for herself and her own interests. I mean, she’s always stepped in when she’s noticed I needed her, but she’s never had to sacrifice anything on my behalf. I don’t love her any less for it. It’s just the way life was for her.
I want Temra to be happy. Isn’t that more important than having her close to me always? Of course it is. I can let her go and do what will make her happiest, even if it takes her away from me.
The self-pity is stronger than ever as I try to imagine a life without my sister living with me, but I’d rather have her alive and happy than dead. No matter what happens, I’m losing my sister one way or another. And if I can survive the first alternative, then why can’t I survive the second, as Kellyn suggested earlier?
And if he’s right about that, can he be right about everything else he said, too? That I’m strong and persevering and compassionate? Even if those aren’t how I see myself?
How can I see myself more clearly? I certainly don’twantto be scared and unsure all the time.
“What are you thinking?” Kellyn asks.
“I’m trying to decide if you’re right or not.”
He smiles. “About what?”
“All of it.”
“You let me know if you decide I am. I do like hearing that.”
I throw my pillow at him. He catches it before it can hit him. Then tosses it harmlessly back at the top of my bedroll.
“Good night, Ziva.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
The next day, while we’re traveling, I try something I’ve never done before. Kellyn says I always downplay myself, and he suggested earlier that I focus on what I’ve saved. So, every time I think something negative about myself, I force myself to think something nice about myself. Or, if I start to fixate on something negative, I try to replace it with something more positive.
My first thought upon waking (after registering Kellyn’s loud snoring) was about how I should have done more for Temra to protect her from Kymora.
And then I stopped myself and thought the following:
