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LANDON
“My mom hit me last night,” I said thirty minutes into my therapy session.
It was the first thing about my life I had said all day to Misty. Truth was that I hadn’t wanted to be here yesterday, and I didn’t want to be here today, but after listening to Imani’s mother scream at her this morning and Imani telling me that she was so tired of it all, I had known that I had to come.
Not only did I have to come, but I had to talk.
I had to want to get better, so Imani had someone.
“She did?” Misty asked, eyes wide. After a couple moments of initial shock—it was her aunt too after all—she straightened out her shirt and looked back down at her notes. “How’d you feel when she did it?”
“Bad,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “Really bad.”
“What else?”
My chest tightened, the words so difficult to say. Saying them out loud would make them real, and if they were real, then I really was worthless to everyone around me, especially Imani.
Biting back my fear, I balled my hands into fists and swallowed hard. “Like I’m not good enough for anyone.”
Misty went to say something else, but I cut her off again.
“Imani deserves so much more than me. I’m going nowhere in life. She has her whole life ahead of her, and I’m fucking it up slowly. She failed an exam, smacked me for looking through her phone, and I even heard her mother say that she started drinking.”
This was my fault.
I shouldn’t have fucked with Imani. I shouldn’t have told the guys about her. I should’ve left her alone and never spoken to her again. If I had, then … then things might’ve been different than they were now.
“If you think you’re the cause of the problem, why haven’t you left her alone?”
“Because I … because …”
The words wouldn’t come out of my mouth; they were lodged in my throat.
“Because why, Landon?”
“Because I … I love her,” I whispered.
Saying it to Misty felt both relieving and … something else, something worse.
“You say it as if it’s a bad thing,” Misty said. “Is she not worthy of your love?”
“It’s not that.”
“Then, what is it?”
“She’s too good for me.”
Misty placed her notes down on the table between us and leaned forward, giving me a small smile. “You don’t give yourself enough credit for the things you endure at home and the goodness in your heart. And I’m not saying that as your therapist, Landon. I’m saying this as your cousin, who’s watched you grow up.”
Goodness in my heart? I fucking had none.
“Your parents abuse you, Landon. And still, earlier, you told me how bad you felt when you heard Imani’s mom screaming at her. You told me how much it hurt you to see her in pain. Some people would relish in that pain, would love to see other people hurt. But you’re not one of them.”
My lips curled into a frown, and I gazed at the carpet.
For some fucked up reason, I didn’t like compliments like this. I couldn’t take them. I always thought people were lying when they gave me one because … I didn’t believe the compliment myself. I didn’t think I was good. I didn’t think I was worthy.
“So, tell me, Landon, why is loving Imani so bad?”
