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My avatar turned before I’d even had time to process his warning, and I launched my bespelled claymore at the second grackle like a lance, catching him on the shoulder. While the mother grackle squawked and cooed worriedly at her mate, I grabbed as many of the empty eggshells as I could carry and hopped out of the nest, taking a slight dip in health points as I rolled headfirst down the side of an embankment.
I let out a shaky breath. “Thanks,” I said quietly. I couldn’t turn to look at Hux, but I felt his tension ease a notch.
“Always,” he said. Then he sent me an influx of restorative health points that fell on my avatar like diamond rain.
“What the fuck?” Adam screamed. “Dude, I needed those health diamonds. I’m dying!”
“You keep saying that, but you never follow through,” Hux said sadly. “The HogDoc is our leader for this quest, Anomaly. He needs health more than any of us.”
“Some leader,” Adam barked. “He just threw away his sword.”
“Ooooh,” OnCallWidow said. “Yikes.”
I ground my back teeth together as an uncomfortable silence spread over our comms.
“I… I didn’t mean it like that,” Adam said quietly. “I’m just… Honeybunch, this would be so much easier if we were in the same room together. I think I’m delayed a few seconds—”
“Bullshit.” Hux sounded bored. “This has nothing to do with lag. This has to do with your inability to play the game. Someone once told me only a poor craftsman blames his tools.”
I snorted before I could stop myself, and the sound carried. I tried to cover it with a cough.
“Oh! Oh, hey, Anomaly! I see you! Yoo hoo!” OnCallWidow yelled. “Finally, we’re back together, boys. What’d I miss?”
Hux and I shared an eye roll.
From that point on, it only got worse.
Adam insisted on baiting Hux, calling him names and demanding health points in a whiny voice.
Hux relentlessly dragged Adam for not spotting threats and for missing literally every target he aimed at.
Cam seemed determined to flirt with both of them and giggled every time she got lost… which was often.
Worst of all, Hux and I seemed to be the only ones capable of focusing on the mission itself.
“Adam, there are three cypher slyths behind the bell tower!” I warned.
“Stop yelling! Kev, if our relationship is going to survive, you need to work on your communi— Wait, shit! Where am I? Where did you go?” Adam demanded.
“Ooopsy!” Cam singsonged. “My spell went wide, and I hit you instead. But it’s okay—I sent you a shit ton of sparrowflox powder, so you didn’t die; you just respawned back at the platypus pasture! Sorry, my bad!”
“Nonsense, Cam,” Hux said blandly. “Best thing you could’ve done for our team.”
“Hey! I heard that, asshole,” Adam snapped back. “How are you gonna sneak up on the duchess without a scout?”
“Better question is how we would sneak up on her with you,” Hux retorted. “You are the worst—”
I shot him a look. “It’s fine, Adam. You can catch up. Take the shortcut. And Cam, that’s… an awful lot of sparrowflox powder you donated.” I gave Hux a significant look. “Adam should thank you.”
“Fuck that. It’s gonna take me an hour to find you again! You can’t go on without me! If you complete the quest and I’m not there, I won’t level up to Ascendant Class!”
“Oh, crap!” Cam wailed. “You guys, I have to pick up my other kid from a school thing in an hour, and I can’t drive while I play! Can we restart the quest?”
“No fucking way! Just leave your Horn, and you can catch up when you get back,” Adam said. “Problem solved.”
“I can’t! If I leave the Horn here, my other kid’ll find it and fuck everything up. He’s a pain in the ass, especially while he’s sick.”
Hux sat up and slammed his feet on the ground, turning to me with big eyes and making a dramatic wrist-rolling gesture, like he wanted me to draw this out.
“Uh, well,” I said, trying to figure out his plan. “If you can enchant your avatar to attach to mine, then we can cross the Blue Butter Bridge while you’re gone. But you still need to leave your Horn connected to Wi-Fi somehow.”
Hux grabbed my arm and spoke into his headset, sounding way calmer than he looked. “Why not leave your Horn on your front porch or something so it stays on Wi-Fi but your sick kid doesn’t find it?”
“Oh, perfect!” she cooed. “Fuck, Kev, I’ll need a power-up if you want me to do that enchantment on the bridge trolls. I’m running low.”
“On it,” I said, accessing my stores to find what she needed.
“Be right back,” Hux mouthed. I nodded and kept playing, slowing the pace down to buy Hux some time while he ran down the hall.
