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“Because I already knew that you were way out of my league,” he said slowly. “Too good-looking, too successful, too rich to bother with someone like me. So I needed to believe—Christ, this is the most pitiful thing I’ve ever admitted to—” He shook his head, pulling away from my grip.
“Say it,” I demanded, grabbing his cheeks with both hands this time, not letting him look away. “Tell me.”
Hux took a deep breath. “I needed to believe that there was something wrong with you, because if it turned out that you were actually brilliant and hardworking and kind, then I knew I’d fall for you, immediately and totally, and it would kill me when you didn’t feel the same way.” His eyes searched mine. “So I pushed you away. I didn’t want you near this op. I wanted to keep you away from my job, my team, my people. It was wrong, and…” He huffed out a laugh. “And seriously ineffective, because you shine so bright, I couldn’t help but see the truth.”
“Hux,” I breathed. “Jasper. I don’t know… I can’t… what?” The words he was saying, the look in his eyes when he said it, were beyond anything I’d ever let myself imagine.
He laughed a little, and his finger traced the rim of my glasses. “You really don’t get it, do you? How gorgeous and special you are. How valuable. Christ, I think Champ’s ready to hand you my job,” he said ruefully.
“He would never. Champ thinks the world of you. He thinks you can do anything,” I assured him. “And he’s right. You don’t just have the skills, Hux, you have this… this calm, stillness about you. You make the team feel safe when they’re out in the field. You make me feel safe.”
But damn, this explained so much. All of those times Hux had pushed me away, had insisted he could do it himself, hadn’t been about his ego or about hating me—they’d been about his own insecurities.
And if anyone could understand that, I could.
“I regret a lot of things with you, Kev. More than… more than I can even tell you right now.” His eyes burned into mine. “But I’m truly sorry, Kev, if I ever made you think that you weren’t good enough, when I was the one who—”
“I should never have touched your system,” I blurted. “God. I knew it would piss you off. I just wanted you to see me and respect me. I—”
He grabbed my face and moved forward until we were nose to nose. “Don’t apologize for being good at what you do. Don’t be sorry for being smart and helpful when I was the problem. I realize what an ass I’ve been and how much it would have cost the team if you hadn’t been as generous as you are. You deserve better. And I promise, I will treat you better from now on.”
His words set off a strange bubbly feeling in my chest. My intellect wanted to deny his compliment, explain it away as some kind of joke or, worse, some part of the mission, but my heart was already breaking out the champagne, ready to savor this win after twenty-five years of consistent losses… and my gut concurred.
After years of overthinking things, I was ready to tell my intellect where to shove it.
“I want to have sex with you,” I breathed. I didn’t care if it sounded silly or unromantic. It was the raw truth, and I ached with it.
Hux’s face lit up in a bright smile. He was the sexiest man I’d ever known in real life, and his smile had stopped my heart from the moment I’d met him. Having it this close to me, knowing I was the cause of it, was never going to be anything short of miraculous. It made my heart pound and my dick harden.
Please say yes.
Hux’s lips brushed the skin below my eye before moving across to my temple and down to my ear. “How did I get this lucky?” he said softly into my ear before pulling my earlobe into his mouth and sucking.
He moved slowly down the side of my neck, pressing kisses and sucking lightly here and there. By the time he got to my collarbone, he’d pulled up my shirt enough to yank it over my head.
When it got tangled in my glasses, I tried to remove them, but Hux pressed them firmly back onto my nose. “The glasses stay,” he growled.
I nearly whimpered.
His eyes roamed over my naked chest, and I fought the urge to squirm and cover myself. Yes, he’d seen me naked before, but maybe he’d forgotten just how pale and skinny I was. And fuck, I hated that I was thinking these things when I should have been—
“Stop thinking,” he murmured before taking one of my hard nipples between his teeth and sucking.
