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My person.
Hux.
I wanted Hux to kiss me again, to fuck all the energy out of my system, then sleep with me all night. I wanted him to be there the next morning, and the next, and the one after that. I wanted to tell him about every project I was working on, to get his thoughts and feedback. I wanted to play every Horn of Glory quest with him and compete against him in every HOG tournament, because winning was always more fun when I won against him, and losing wasn’t so bad when he was the one I lost to. I wanted to know more about his family and his years in the military and his opinions on mayonnaise versus mustard.
I wanted, more than anything, to know that he wanted those things also. But despite all his sweet, comforting words the night before, despite the way he’d claimed the seat beside me and kept his knee pressed against mine on the flight home from Missouri—claiming me as much as he could allow himself to while we were on a work trip with the team—I still wasn’t totally sure that he wanted something with me that lasted longer than the op.
This felt like a failing on my part—like I was being extra needy, constantly asking him for validation—and I didn’t want to be that guy, but my feelings were real, even if they were illogical, and I didn’t know how to overcome them. I didn’t know how to make myself believe when this situation had seemed utterly impossible just a few weeks ago.
My Horn yodeled with an incoming chat message, and I pulled it out of my pocket, grateful for the distraction from my overthinking. My pulse leapt when I saw who it was from.
SmittyKitty: Pip! It’s so good to hear from you. So, big news—I’m kind of seeing someone. Someone incredible. And I’m falling hard for him. I’m sorry I’m not spending much time in the game anymore, and that I won’t get to see you in Vegas, but thank you for caring enough to notice. You’re a good friend.
Oh. Wow. My heart was a mix of happy and sad. Happy that my friend was happy. Happy that he considered me a friend too. Happy that I hadn’t somehow run him off by awkwardness and oversharing. Sad for myself because Smitty reminded me of Hux, in a way that didn’t involve any of the overwhelming attraction but therefore also didn’t come with any of the uneasiness. I’d miss having him in my life.
HogDocKev: That’s exciting! I actually started seeing someone amazing also, except my guy is a HOG player.
SmittyKitty: Cool! Well, I hope he treats you right. Best of luck with everything. *fist bump emoji*
Shit. I leaned against the porch railing and thunked my Horn against my head. I was the worst. The actual worst.
Smitty probably thought I was talking about Anomaly, and why wouldn’t he? A week or so ago, I’d been calling Anomaly my boyfriend—which was absolutely ludicrous in retrospect, because now that I’d started dating someone in real life, I understood that the casual chat friendship he and I shared was nothing like a romance—but I still felt bad that I hadn’t officially told Adam we were done.
How had I suddenly gone from having no relationships ever to having too many relationships for my friends to keep track of in such a short span of time? I felt like I understood reality TV so much better now.
HogDocKev: I don’t mean Anomaly! I mean, he’s a nice guy, but I actually fell for someone else.
HogDocKev: HogMasterHux.
HogDocKev: I know, I know! I know exactly what you’re going to say. Wasn’t he the guy I warned you away from? Isn’t he my arch nemesis? Didn’t he just recently burn my kelp forest and loot my jam cellar? Yes, yes, and yes. And I can’t condone any of that, which makes our relationship a little complicated.
SmittyKitty: All relationships are complicated in one way or another, Pip. I hope it all works out for the best. He’s a lucky guy to have you.
Smitty wasn’t usually one to hold back his opinion, so this bland reaction made me wince. I guessed I’d expressed my opinion of Huxley a little too well in the past, and now I felt the need to correct that.
HogDocKev: No, I’m the lucky one! Hux is gorgeous. And witty. And fun. And steady, you know? He makes me feel… invincible.
The dots swirled by Smitty’s name for a long moment, but his reply was short.
SmittyKitty: You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. But… I am not the guy you should be talking to about this. And I really do have to go.
HogDocKev: Right. Okay. Remember I’m here if you need a friend. Otherwise, good luck with your new boo.
