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SmittyKitty: Thanks. I’ll need it. He’s the best man I know, and he could probably do a lot better than me, but I’m not letting him go. Have fun storming the castle, Pip!
Well, fuck.
Just then, the door behind me opened, and a loud burst of laughter spilled out. Carter shut the door behind him and came to stand at the railing beside me.
“Shit, it’s cold. You must be freezing.”
I shrugged.
“Sounded like a pretty fun op. Champ said you handled your shit well.”
I shrugged again.
“And Elvo said something about a really cool quest you completed with Hux the other day in Horn of Glory. You should tell me about it. You rescued a duchess, or—”
“Captured her,” I corrected, because I couldn’t allow the inaccuracy to stand, but then I shrugged once more.
“Okay, that’s it. Who are you, and what have you done with my cousin?” Carter’s eyes narrowed. “And don’t waste my time telling me you’re actually Kev, because there’s no way the Kev I know would resist an opportunity to spill every detail of that game, especially if I specifically asked about it. You’re obviously a pod person… and frankly, not a very good one.”
My breath huffed out in a fog. “I’m definitely still me,” I informed him glumly. “Inescapably me.”
“Why the heck would you want to escape being you?” Carter demanded. “Dude, you’re living the dream right now. Helping out on missions, an essential part of the team.” He bumped his arm against mine. “Talk to me, Kev. You’ve seemed down for days, but I figured it was just stress. Now you’re worrying me, so spill. Is it Hux? Riggs said he’s been all up in your business—”
I couldn’t help snorting at that… and then sighing.
I didn’t really want to talk to Carter about this, not when he knew Hux personally, but I had to admit my list of available friends was exceptionally short… especially since one of them had just politely and gently excused himself from my life.
“Okay, so, let’s say that there was this… this orc. Kinda shy. Awkward.”
Carter blinked. “Uh. Okay…”
“And a really smart, brave, and physically fit… troll.”
“An orc and a troll.” Carter rolled his tongue over his teeth. “Got it.”
“And let’s say that these two creatures had a very complicated history. A sort of… adversarial history. One where they tried to piss each other off as frequently as possible through a combination of treachery, trash talk, and profound disdain.”
“I think I know where this story is going,” Carter said with a nod. “In fact, I think I lived it.”
“So, like, imagine that one day, out of a clear blue sky, the orc realized that the troll wasn’t horrible. He was… horribly wonderful. And chivalrous. And good. And patient. And when the orc told him about his family stuff and work stuff, the troll was really supportive. And the troll saw the orc’s stuffed duck and didn’t make a comment about it. And apologized profusely for all the stuff that happened when they were being archnemeses. And reassured the orc like three times, when the orc was freaking out, that he found the orc hot and smart and likable and amazing, despite his orc-ness. And then they, uh… they engaged in multiple phenomenal sexual encounters.”
Carter’s eyebrows winged high. “Multiple sexual encounters?”
“Multiple phenomenal sexual encounters,” I stressed. “The phenomenal can’t be overlooked.”
“I see,” Carter said faintly. “And the problem is…”
“The problem is… how is the orc supposed to believe it?”
“Oh.”
“Like, he wants to. Quite badly. So much that he keeps pretending to believe it. Assuring the troll he believes it. But he can’t control his feelings, Carter. And he doesn’t know what the troll thinks about their future as a couple or if they even have a future beyond the next couple of weeks. And I can’t ask Hu—I mean, the troll—about this again. It’s already painfully obvious that he has way more relationship experience, and I don’t want him to think the orc is weak or needy or too much effort or… or any of that. So, how can the orc know what the troll wants without bothering him?”
“Ohhhh. Yeah, no, I see,” Carter said, his tone full of understanding. “I’ve been there, Kev. And I’m here to tell you…”
I straightened slightly in surprise. Carter knew what this was? Had felt it also? Really? I watched him closely, prepared to receive the relationship cheat code that would help me unlock Hux’s psyche and—
“… you can’t.”
I blinked at Carter disappointedly. Wait, what?
“And you shouldn’t have to. In fact, anyone who thinks you’re too much effort shouldn’t get a single second of your time. Real talk, Kevin, I know your parents. I know they taught you that it’s not okay to be who you are. That you need to hide yourself from the world. I could kick their asses from Africa to the Thicket and back again for that,” he said matter-of-factly. But it’s not true, cuz. The failing is in them, not you. And if Hux is the kind of person I think he is—”
