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“Well, that’s whereIhave to deal with the consequences of decision-making.” Her mouth twisted. “It’s not a perfect science. Rule number one for me is Keep Her Safe. After that, it’s a crapshoot. I figure if Ifighteverythingshe wants, she’ll resent me and ignore any life lessons I try to teach. If Igiveher everything she wants, I’ll create an entitled brat who’ll have a hard time succeeding in life as an adult. And that’s my job—to create a good adult.” She shrugged. “I’m doing it all without a lot of guidance, since I didn’thavea mom growing up. A lot of times I’m winging it—just doing the best I can.”
“Such a huge responsibility...” He spoke the words more to himself than to her.
“And a huge privilege,” she answered. “Occasionally, it’s rewarding and...dare I say it...fun.” Her head tilted. “Kids were a hot topic for you and Becca, right?”
He chewed his lip, staring at the table. “She wanted to start a family, but I kept saying I wasn’t ready. She realized I mightneverbe ready, and...yeah, it was a problem for us.”
He hated thinking of the tears Becca shed because of him. He’d kept putting off the decision to start a family, figuring they had time. And then she was gone.
“But youlikechildren, right?” The surprise in Zoey’s voice made him feel worse.
“I’m not an ogre, okay? Ilovemy nieces and nephews and all the new little cousins. I just never knew if I was parent material. There are people who would crawl across hot coals to have kids, and I’ve...” He swallowed hard. “I’ve never felt that way. So I kept putting it off until...”
Zoey surprised him by coming around the table and catching him up in a fierce hug. He was still sitting, and she pulled him tight so that his head was on her shoulder. He stiffened at first, then relaxed into her embrace. Her voice went soft and low.
“I never said you were an ogre. I’ve seen how great you are with children. But it’s okay tonothave kids, Mike. Lots of people make that choice.”
It was odd how comforted he felt with his head resting on her. When was the last time he’d been held like this? He couldn’t remember.
“Looking back, I think Becca hoped I’d change my mind eventually. We’d argued about it the weekend she died.”
That last argument had been one of their worst. Hurtful things were said very loudly. The next day she was gone, leaving a gaping hole in him that would forever be filled with guilt. Zoey gave him a gentle squeeze and stepped back, breaking their contact. It took all his strength not to pull her back to him.
“It’s sad that you argued about it before the accident, but your argument didn’t cause what happened. And she knew how much you loved her. My God, everyone called you the biggest lovebirds ever. The two of you lit up a room. You would have figured it out if you’d had the chance.”
Mike rubbed the back of his neck. “Maybe. She would have been a great mom.”
“Becca? Oh, my God, yes.”
“She never got the chance...” Because of him.
There was a beat of silence before Zoey cleared her throat. “Did I tell you Chris is having a baby? I mean...Genna’shaving a baby, with Chris.”
He stared, trying to gauge her feelings. “And what do youthink about that?”
“I’m happy for them, I guess. But also annoyed. We tried for more children and it just didn’t happen. And now...surprise! As soon as he leaves me, he’s having a baby.” Her gaze met his. “My point in telling you is that parenthood and having children or not having children...it’s all really fucking complicated, okay? All you can do is your best, and then cross your fingers that your best is good enough.”
“Doyouwant another child?”
She laughed, and his mood lightened immediately at the sound. “Oh,hellno! Hazel’s thirteen—no way do I want to go back to changing diapers again. No, thank you.” Her laughter faded. “There was a time when she was younger that I would have liked to have another, but that moment has passed.” She tipped her head to the side. “Andthisis a conversation I never expected us to have. We’ve talked about everything else in the world, but wanting babies is...whew.”
“Yeah.” It was a dumb response, but it was all he had right now. Zoey was still showing up in his dreams at night—more so since that littlemomentthey had last week when they got lost in each other’s eyes. Something had shifted in their relationship without either of them doing anything to create that shift. It was just...there.Shewas just there. In his thoughts. In his dreams. All this baby talk and the hug and the deep sharing was not helping. Hopefully, this odd little phase they were in would pass before either one of them did something stupid.
CHAPTER TWELVE
“THEREYOUGO,IRIS. Your old vacuum cleaner should run good as new now.”
Zoey set the twenty-year-old upright vacuum inside the door to Iris’s apartment at the Taggart Inn. She didn’t always offer pick up and return service, but when her client was over eighty, she made an exception.
“Thanks so much.” Iris looked at the vacuum with approval. “Logan offered to buy me a new one, but I’ve never been a fan of this trend where everything is disposable. This one is light enough for me to use easily, and as long as it keeps sucking up dirt, I’ll keep using it.”
Zoey reached in her pocket. “That reminds me...the vacuum picked up more than dirt this time.” She handed Iris a small cat toy shaped like a bird. “This was stuck in the intake tube, and that’s why it lost suction.”
“Well, hell.” Iris scowled at the toy. “That darned Mr. Whiskers must have batted it under the bed or something. I’ll be more careful. What do I owe you?”
“Nothing.” Zoey talked over Iris’s protests. “I charged you for a tune-up just last month, and all I did was spend sixty seconds pulling out the cat toy.”
Iris, petite and silver haired, stared hard, then stepped back. “At least come in and have some tea with me.” Zoey knew Iris was a big Anglophile. The woman loved her British porcelain tea sets and delicate Victorian furniture. And she always had a tin of Scottish shortbread on hand. It was tempting, but she shook her head.
