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She won’t leave at all.
Christ, I hope she won’t.
I find her in the living room, standing by the window with a mug of coffee in her hands. She’s wearing a pair of those wooly leggings she likes with a plain, white long-sleeve T-shirt. She’s beautiful, and my heart fucking aches seeing her there.
She looks over her shoulder and gives me a small smile I don’t know what to do with. Finally, I can’t stand it anymore and go to her, taking her coffee and setting it aside before gathering her into my arms. She melts into me, and, for a few heartbeats, it feels like I can breathe again.
“Tell me last night wasn’t goodbye.” Last night wasn’t about words, but today I need them. “Tell me you aren’t leaving.”
They aren’t questions the way I say them, but the way I mean them is like a plea.
Shaking her head, she peers up at me with a small smile. “It wasn’t goodbye. I’m leaving, but in the same way I was leaving yesterday.”
I nod, holding her closer, tighter. I don’t want to let her go, but if I keep this up, I’m going to be sliding my hands into her hair again, using my mouth in ways that don’t involve talking to convince her to stay.
Liking that idea way too much, I pull her with me over to our couch and onto my lap. “We need to talk.”
“I know we do. But I don’t know what to say.” She lets out a soft sigh. “A first for us.”
“It is. Even when we weren’t at our best, there’s never been a shortage of words between us.” I swallow. And I don’t want there to be one now, so I start. “Nora, last night was incredible. It was the kind of night that makes men reevaluate their priorities.”
I open my mouth to go on, to say the rest, only the “But” won’t come.
She rests her hand on my chest, her fingers so incredibly soft. “Butneither of us are in a place where that’s really an option.”
It’s not far off from what I meant to say, and yet, hearing the words from her seems to lock up something inside me, like I can’t move past them.
“Axel, what do you want?”
I wanther.
I want to go back in time and tell Dinano thanks, that I’d rather wait for the know-it-all to move in down the hall and change my life. I want the chance to fall in love with her when both our lives are still nothing but possibility. And when Diane tells her that she’s not coming back from France, I want Nora to laugh and say what perfect timing it is because she’s moving in with me. And then, when Otto comes, I want her to be by my side through those first terrifying hours. And I want her to want me still. I want her to wantus.
But that’s not where we are. It’s not what happened.
“I want you to be happy. I want you to know I’m your friend and what happened last night doesn’t change that. Nothing will.” And then I tell her the part I really don’t want to say. “Not even if you decide you aren’t comfortable here anymore.”
I send up a silent prayer that’s not the case.
She blinks. “Do you want me to go?”
“No.” I cover her hand with mine, holding it against my heart. “That is the absolute last thing I want.” How can she even ask? “How about you? What do you want?”
Our eyes meet, and for a beat, it feels like the fate of my world hangs in the balance. God, the way she’s looking at me.
“I want—”
Otto’s sharp cry cuts off whatever she was about to say. She smiles, climbing off my lap and slipping her hand free from where I’m holding it.
“I guess I want to go see about getting Otto a fresh diaper.”
I stand with her. “You get his bottle, and I’ll handle the change. I need to get moving for morning skate here pretty quickly.”
We’re not done talking, but the rest is going to have to wait.
* * *
It’s a game day,and I’m grateful we’re at home.
