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Charlie
Music fills the studio as Wallflower and I start our set. For the last few weeks, they’ve been working with Marcus on their album and today I’m actually on the other side of the glass. It feels surreal to be back in the little black box and about to sing my own lyrics. The first time being with Hudson, and of course if it weren’t for him, I would never have the courage to do this. My heartache has gotten better every day, being distracted with Wallflower’s record has helped greatly, but late at night I still miss him. Right now, I miss him in a less painful way. I’m so thankful he came into my life, even if it was just to blow through like a rogue wind, to come fill my self-esteem and then blow out. I catch the Headspace articles and clips of their concerts online once in a while; I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment. He’s still just as sexy, the only difference now is all the screaming half-naked women at his feet.
The beat changes and I take the cue and start singing. The song is painful, but I like it. I like remembering him and all our adventures even if I’m singing my heart out about my lost love and all the things left unsaid. When I had to explain things to Marcus, he was a lot more understanding than I thought he would be. Apparently, he learned a lot about being too overly protective with Cole and Lyla last year. He of course brought up the princess Sophia debacle and all I could do was shrug. I told him how we weren’t serious because come on, how could we be knowing he would leave. I didn’t give him any details about anything, but my heart is bare, raw and it’s obvious in the song. When it’s over I sway to the melody and open my eyes to a clapping ovation on the other side of the glass. Marcus, Mason, and Lyla are grinning ear to ear and clearly pleased with the song. It’s a huge compliment and I know the three of them would be the first to tell me I sucked, so I take the kind gesture for what it is and hang up my headphones.
Lyla and I go out to eat while Wallflower works on another song. We walk and she goes on and on about how much she loved my song.
“Thank you.” I blush.
“You’ve come so far from the Charlie who used to hide on the record shelves, wishing she was invisible. What changed?”
She looks at me with a knowing smile. Clearly, she listened to the lyrics of the song, but I don’t mention his name so it’s obvious she’s digging for the dirt. I’m surprised she hasn’t gotten mad at me for not telling her everything. Marcus had better not have spilled any details of him knowing before her or she will kill me.
“I may have made a very special friend who helped me out of my shell a bit.”
“With sex? You had a friend with benefits?” The look on her face is absolutely hilarious, and I burst out laughing.
“Why is that such a surprise?”
“It’s just that I never expected that. Who was he? Do I know him? Why didn’t you tell me?”
The last question is accompanied by a light slap to my arm, and I laugh again.
“I don’t know, because it was a secret.” I throw her a look that gets my point across. Just last year she kept her relationship with her now husband from me, so I don’t feel bad at all. It was complicated and I get that more than ever now.
“Plus, I got hung up on him and he’s completely unavailable.”
“Will you tell me who? I can tell by your song that you cared for him and I don’t want to push, but ya know it’s me and I’ll go crazy if you don’t tell me.”
“Hudson from Headspace. The lead singer and co-song writer I was working very closely with.” My smile is sad, and I keep my pace and look down at my shoes. Knowing from the beginning it was dumb to start something with him and Lyla would be the first person to jump in and tell me how I should have known better, but to my surprise she doesn’t.
“I’m sorry, Charlie.” I look over at her to find she’s not judging me or about to lecture me; she just feels my pain. I nod, a little choked up but try to brush it off.
“I knew it was a terrible idea and I still wanted to go through with it. Funny thing is I don’t regret anything. Some nights, I lie awake and wish that I would have told him how much he meant to me, and then I imagine his pity and regret and explanation of why he wishes I didn’t. He would tell me he was sorry, but he needed to follow his dream and leave.” It would be embarrassing and a hard hit to my fragile ego. I’ve come a long way, but those words would be a burning dagger to anything I may have built to my self-esteem. Lyla seems to understand.
“Things with Cole were never supposed to be anything but sex, but I don’t think we were ever really just fuck buddies like we kept saying. I’m not saying this because I think he’ll come back riding in on a white horse. I just want you to know I don’t judge you and I do understand. Plus, a part of me does hope that he comes to his senses and sweeps you off your feet again.”
“You would be overdramatic like that.”
“Well, yeah, that is generally my style. Would you really have it any other way?”
I laugh. “No way.”
I swing my arm around her shoulders, and we walk over to her friend Darren’s restaurant where the food is amazing, and he joins us for a bit. He’s a great guy and I really love learning about the dishes he makes. We never order; we just show up and get the five-star treatment. It’s a great meal and we leave full and happy and give our thanks.
Lyla and I say goodbye and I head back to the studio.
Marcus and the girls are all camped out on the couch when I walk into the recording room.
“Hey, guys, how’d it go?”
“Oh, only seven takes on ‘Glory’ so far.” Violet laughs.
Marcus just shrugs. “It’s good to end the day with a perfect song though.”
“We clearly have a long road ahead of us.”
“Well, you’re in the best of hands,” I say and take a seat next to Violet.
“I was thinking, even though everyone lives here in town it would be easier if you all move in upstairs. We would be able to get more work done in a day and hopefully be able to debut the album in a month or so,” Marcus says to the room but looks to me for my reaction.
“Yeah, that’s a great plan.” I can’t help but hate the idea of someone moving into Hudson’s apartment.
We head upstairs to show everyone the apartments, but I drag my feet. Violet picks the apartment across from me, but the other girls decide on the two at the end of the hall and I’m grateful that his room will still be empty. Marcus and I make a list of what they need, and I make a call to the maid service to have everything cleaned. Then it’s back to work, making this album the best it can be.
