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Unable to control the tears, I curl in a ball on his bed and cry for what feels like hours, when in reality it has only been a few minutes. Memories start flashing back, the pain in my chest is welcomed, I need to feel the pain. I can’t ever forget what it feels like, it’s what I deserve. I don’t hear the door unlock or Diesel walking back over to the bed and sitting down.
“Please don’t cry, I just needed a second to regroup, I got you this.” He says, holding out a wet face washer. With a little force, he pushes me onto my back, untangling the sheet from my body, placing the face washer between my legs, the coolness a welcome relief. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?”
“I’m not, it has just been a long time.” I squeeze my eyes shut, Zeke and I had sex the night he died, and I will hold on to that memory for life. We lost our virginities to each other not long after my sixteenth birthday. It hurt and was awkward, and it was then I decided he needed to sow his oats, or whatever the stupid saying was. It’s how I came up with the plan that he would screw other girls while they went down on me. I wouldn’t say I liked it, but I loved watching him get off on screwing a girl while she ate me out. He had mentioned once that it was a fantasy of his.
“We can’t ever talk about your first time, the thought of someone else inside you makes me want to kill them.” He says, getting back in the bed beside me, pulling me into his chest.
“He’s already dead.” I whisper, the tears now streaming down my face. Memories of how gentle he was, making sure it was perfect flooding back.
“Good,” he states, causing me to push out of his arms, finding the first piece of clothing on the floor, his shirt that just covers my ass. It’s me who needs some space now, storming out into the hall.
“Where are you going?” He growls, grabbing me by the arm and spinning me to face him.
“Away from you! You can’t say you're glad the other half of my heart is dead.” I go to slap his face, but I’m too slow, his grip on my wrist is tight.
“I told you I wasn’t good. I asked if you cared, and you didn’t so it’s too late to back out now.” He releases my wrist, and I stumble backwards. We have an audience, all the guys have gathered outside their doors, waiting in silence.
“You just did something really shitty, I can’t look at you right now.” I back away from our front door, and he stands and watches me walk back into our room, I slam the door, knowing he has no way back in the room, his cuff sits on his bedside table. He doesn’t come to the door and knock, he doesn’t even try to apologise.
My phone vibrates, I answer hoping he has had time to cool down
“Hello.” I flop down onto Diesel's bed. A flood of emotions just explodes, and I lose it. He can’t be a dick and get away with it.
“Hey, Bambi, you okay?” Cuyler asks.
“No,” I sob. Stupid feelings.
“Did you want me to come to your room, and you can talk about it?” Yes.
“That isn’t a good idea, I’m pretty sure that the ass-kicking you got was because of me.” He laughs. “I wish things were different, but they’re not, you have a girlfriend, and I really like Diesel.”
“Just be careful. When shit gets hard for him, he lashes out and does something stupid to try to hurt people. Promise me you’ll be careful.”
I tell him I will before hanging up and crying myself to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-One
Cyrus
Diesel didn’t come back last night. I wanted to call him, but is that something Diesel’s ‘girl’ would do? I'm not needy, I lost it at him, and he deserved it.
Walking into home room, I take my usual seat, Cuyler takes his seat next to me, and the rest of the guys file in one by one. Except Diesel. Mr. Briar addresses the class, going through morning notices when he walks into the room. The teacher tells us to talk quietly amongst ourselves for a few minutes, and he has some words with Diesel, but he must dismiss him because he avoids eye contact on his way to his seat.
A few tablets go off, and students start snickering and looking back at us. Opening my phone, I see a notification from the Briar App.
Maybe the Queen of Briar will reign again, we knew he couldn’t stay away for long. Attached are two pictures of Diesel, one is dark with him walking inside a building, and one is him leaving, standing next to Kelby held in an embrace. I see red, blinded by the fury these photos bring.
“Shut the fuck up!” Emory booms, and everyone stares at him, but the room goes quiet. Diesel sits next to me but doesn’t say a word.
“So this is what it feels like to be your girl, to be yours,” I whisper low enough only he hears me.
I don’t believe for one second he would fuck me and go and jump into bed with her, he despises her. But he still went to her, and I hate to admit that it hurts more than I expected. I know I was hoping Diesel would hurt me enough to remind me I don’t deserve to be happy again, but I’ll be fucked because it hurts a hell of a lot more than I expected.
I don’t want that kind of serious relationship. I'm doing as I’m told, repaying my debt. I will admit I need him for one reason, to help me bury all these damn emotions that have surfaced. It was easy to avoid them in rehab, I had no friends in there, only ever talking to the councillors. They always tried to give me tools to help me deal with my ‘grief,’ but I don’t deserve to grieve. That right was for the daughter Cyrus that lost her mother, not the soul mate Cyrus who manipulated her person to do something he didn’t want to, causing two deaths. I’m a horrible person, hence why I need Diesel, I need the short term feels. They remind me that when I get brought down, it’s my retribution for the pain I caused.
“Miss Jamison, please come see me, everyone else you’re dismissed.” Mr. Briar announces. I stand to make my way over to Emory, but Diesel grabs my arm, stopping me in my tracks. I try to pull it back, but his grip is too tight.
“This isn’t over, Cyrus, don’t believe everything you see on the internet.” Diesel snarls. He’s pissed at the photos, interesting. Funny the reaction from the pack leader himself when the shoe is on the other foot.
