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“I will not hold you to the deal,” he says with gritted teeth. “You do not have to pretend to want me. I cannot speak for the others.”
And I cannot speak at all. It didn’t take long for Joe to realize that he doesn’t want me. What does it say when not even monsters want me? I blink back tears and shake my head. I never pretended to want him.
“I will protect you anyway.” He presses a kiss to the top of my head. “When I watched you sleep, I thought about what compassion means. This is me trying to show you some.” He draws back. His eyes are dull like he’s lost a battle that I didn’t know he was fighting.
Do they all feel that way?
Michael is leaning against the outside of the cave. I stand in front of him and open my hands. Does he agree?
He gazes up at me with his one blue eye and nods. “What we had was obligation…a deal made with a monster. I don’t want you out of necessity. But I do want you.”
My mouth opens. Even if I could speak, I don’t know what to say. They are releasing me from the deal?
Theo moves closer, seeming to bounce over the ground toward us. “This is too important to bind up with deals and rules.”
I tilt my head. Were they up talking about me last night? Discussing how to undo the changes? If they have found the cure, I’d love to know.
I turn and find myself surrounded by the men I thought of as my monsters. But they aren’t really mine and they aren’t monsters either. By thinking of them that way I am doing them a disservice. I bite my lip.
“We are showing you the same kindness you showed us. You don’t need to do anything you don’t want. We are a team, equals,” Theo says.
I want to hug him.
I want to hug all of them.
I thought they didn’t want me, but they want me so much they don’t want to behave like monsters. The tears that were burning my eyes spill over and my throat is thick, making it hard to swallow.
How much talking did they do while I slept? And how much did this decision cost them? I turn and put my arms around Joe, being careful not to stab my hands with the new spikes up his back. It takes a moment before he returns my embrace, then his arms slide around me and he lifts me off the ground.
I close my eyes, knowing that he will do anything to protect me. They all will. But they want to be wanted for who they are not what they can do. I understand that perfectly.
He places me back on the ground and I turn to Theo. He opens his arms, claws extended. He cannot touch me, but I can touch him if I reach deep enough into the shadows. Before I’ve only ever touched him with one hand, what it will be like to sink into the darkness around him? I draw in a breath and hope for the best. Without him, I would have had no voice.
He deserves a chance to change back, and to go home as much as Michael and Joe. Now they have real names instead of monster names, it is easier to think of them as the men they might become.
I slide my hands into the shadows until they touch his cool flesh. Then I step closer and let my hands ease around his body, guiding me where to go. The darkness wraps around me like a cold winter’s night, biting at my skin. A small spark of panic forms because I don’t know what I am hugging.
Sure, he feels like a cold human, but that doesn’t mean he is. I remind myself that it doesn’t matter what he looks like. This form isn’t permanent. I give him a small squeeze then draw back, not wanting to breathe in the cold and darkness.
He lowers his claws slowly, as if holding on to the moment. “Thank you.”
I smile, knowing that he can see it, even though I can’t see his eyes.
Finally, I turn to Michael. I hold my arms out, expecting him to get up, but he pulls me down into his arms.
“I told them you’d still want us,” he growls next to my ear as he holds me close. “But we had to do the right thing to make sure that we weren’t accidentally doing the wrong thing.”
I cup his cheek and grin.
“You have no idea how easy it is to do the wrong thing,” Joe mutters.
Theo makes a sound that could be agreement, a strangled groan, or even a pleasured sigh. “So easy…”
It’s a reminder that they are walking along a very narrow path and that it is easy to end up turning into more of a monster. I am on that same path. I hear Under in my thoughts, and I feel those dark desires.
Is what I feel for them is one of those dark desires? It’s not something I would have ever done before coming here. I’d have run away screaming if I’d seen any of them near my apartment.
I hadn’t made the deal with kindness in my heart. It had been pure desperation and the need to survive. Maybe that doesn’t matter, because making it didn’t change me.
