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But with his memories in place, he wasn't sure he could protect her like she needed. He'd failed Dave, so maybe he'd fail Nora too.
And that would hurt a million times worse given how he was in love with her.
She placed a gloved hand on his bicep and River wasn't strong enough to push her away. She whispered, "Talk to me, River. Please. I know what it's like to hold things inside and think if you share, it will make others think less of you. However, you showed me that's not true. Talking with you helped, even after all these years. You were strong for me when I needed it, listened without judgement. Won't you let me do the same for you?"
As she stroked his arm, River's determination to keep his shitty memories away from her started to falter. "I want to, Nora. I really fucking do. But once you hear what happened, you won't want a goddamned thing to do with me, and I couldn't even blame you for it."
She moved to stand in front of him and tilted up the ridiculous hat a little until she could see his eyes. "Listen to me, River Vale. I have two older brothers. Two. I know exactly how delicate male pride can be, and how especially Leo would rather cut off his arm than admit a weakness or fault. However, faults only make us more real, and when you show them to another person, it strengthens the bond between those people rather than weakens it." She searched his gaze. "Won't you let me in, River? Please? Otherwise you'll probably turn inward, avoid everything, and stop living life. I know what that's like, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone."
He wanted to cup her cheek and tell her everything would be okay. But he couldn't. He refused to lie to her. "You make it sound so fucking easy, Nora."
She shook her head, the stupid hat hitting him in the face. "Of course it's not easy. But I'd like to think we've grown close since you first blooded me. We're even supposed to get married. I would think if there was anyone you could show your inner scars to, it would be me." She placed a hand on his chest. "Give us a chance, River. You helped me, and now it's my turn to do the same. Honesty is our first rule, remember? Now's not the time to break it."
As she stared up at him, such caring and strength in her eyes, River wanted to spill everything so fucking badly.
But was he strong enough to tell her the truth and risk her rejection? He'd do the claiming regardless, as he wouldn't allow her to go crazy. But after that, she could run far, far away from him. And with good reason.
And yet, he'd asked Nora to bare her motherfucking soul not long ago. Was it right to tell her nope, he wasn't going to do the same because he was too much of a coward to face her possible hatred?
He had no idea how she'd react, but he knew one thing—if he didn't bare his soul now, didn't come clean with the truth, he would have no chance with her at all.
River just needed to gather the fucking courage to tell her everything.
* * *
Nora didher best to remain silent and wait for River's response. She knew from her own experiences that if people tried to demand details, it had only made her dig in harder.
Although at his wounded gaze, dejected sloping of his shoulders, and brisk, harsh tones, she knew he was hurting inside.
And something clearly made him hesitate discussing his memories with her, which only made her ache more for him.
She was about to pick up another rock to distract her when River blurted, "I caused someone's death."
Searching his gaze, the pain and guilt there nearly made her cry. "Tell me what you mean, darling. Because I'm not sure I understand."
He sighed and looked away to the water behind them. His voice sounded distant, almost as if his mind was far away. "We all knew I was tortured. However, it was for three fucking long months. The entire time, I stood strong and refused to become their own personal torturer, where I'd have to use my magic to harm or even kill."
She still had her hand on his chest and could feel his muscles tense. "I can't imagine anyone noble doing differently."
He shook his head, still averting his gaze. "Maybe in books it sounds all honorable and shit, but they threatened my sisters and my mentor. If I didn't give in, they'd kill them. I thought they were bluffing."
For a second, her heart stopped beating. Was his sister already dead?
Please, no. Don't let it be true.She whispered, "They weren't, were they?"
River shook his head. "No. They killed my mentor, Dr. Dave Morelli. The bastards brought his fucking head in a box and showed it to me for days, reminding me of how my own stubbornness had murdered him."
Her relief that it hadn't been Meadow was short-lived. Nora couldn't even begin to imagine what that would be like, to see a loved one's severed body part. Just seeing her son's watch covered in blood a few months ago had nearly made her crumble.
River's tortured voice captured her full attention. "Don't you see, Nora? I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to follow the goddamn Code of Fae Witches, as well as my own healing code. And what did following the rules do? Kill the male who was like a father to me." He clenched his fingers into a fist and closed his eyes. "I'm a fucking failure, a stupid male who let his pride and morals take precedence over everything else. A weak one at that, as I came close to just fucking giving up and letting the bastards kill me without a fight." He opened his eyes, his gaze angry, tortured, and blazing. But Nora didn't look away as he spat, "Dave was such a better person than me, didn't deserve to die, and it was all my fault. And now? Now I'm all fucking safe and protected here in the past while who the hell knows what the bastards are doing to my younger sister. No doubt they went after her once I disappeared."
River turned his back to her, walked over to a tree, and punched it. She yearned to tend to his hand, but she held her ground, unsure of what he'd do next.
His obvious pain was killing her inside.
Before she could think of what to say, River continued, "And all of it could've been prevented if only I'd agreed to their terms. Yesenia had been ready to marry a fucking psychopath to protect me and Meadow. And yet when it was me? I held onto honor, or some shit like that. I can't fix what they did to Dave, but the only way for me to atone for anything is to go back to the future, agree to their terms, and protect my sisters as I should've done in the first place."
She narrowed her eyes, not wanting to hear any more about how he'd failed and was going to sacrifice himself for probably no reason; what Nora knew of this Derrick Yates meant he wouldn't keep to his word anyway.
