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“What a mess.”
“Right?”
“What were you thinking?”
I glare at Colin. I don’t need to be lectured. Hell, who does he think he is? Just because he can manage wholesome relationships doesn’t mean he gets to reprimand me.
But I know he has a point. What was I thinking? I know what I was thinking, though. I was thinking I finally had a shot with the girl I’ve always wanted to be with. If I told Noah, I would have to break it off because of the stupid bro-code thing. And if I told her, she might have broken it off for the same reason. Or something.
I didn’t want to lose her again. Sure as shit not because of the same guy as a decade ago.
And now, it’s happened anyway.
Talk about a twisted déjà vu.
I clear my throat.
“Well, it’s over now. And it’s probably better that way. Because fuck, this whole love thing is a load of bullshit.”
Colin only raises his eyebrows at me.
But I’m serious. Love is dangerous. I risked my heart just to get hurt again, and it’s what happens to me every time I do it. I need to learn from my mistakes and move forward with my life. There are other ways to build a future than doing it with someone.
“It’s all over the news,” I say, changing topic. “The whole wedding disaster, and some photos of me in weird spots, arguing and whatever. I mean, I don’t give a shit. It won’t do much for my reputation; it’s more a socialite thing. I’m pretty damn sure Laura is losing her mind over this since her image is completely fucked up now. And she saw the wedding as a publicity stunt that would make her look like…I don’t know what she had in mind. But it’s all fucked up now.”
“Yeah, I saw the news.”
I nod and we eat our protein meals in silence for a while.
I think about Marc. No one knows about his game-fixing stint, which is good. This whole business already fucked up his marriage; he doesn’t need it to ruin his career, too. As long as he gets out before anyone finds out because that shit can sink him completely.
I need to talk to him.
“You know, there’s nothing wrong with fighting for the woman you care about,” Colin says carefully.
I glance up at him. “There’s no fucking way I’m going back to that.”
“Why not?”
Because I’ll get hurt again, and what if I don’t bounce back again? I already feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. Everything around me feels fucked up because I lost her and I wanted to keep holding onto her. I don’t know if I can do this yet another time.
But I’m not going to tell Colin that because I’m not a pussy. No way in hell I’m going to admit that the reason I’m not standing up and doing something about it is because I’m fucking scared.
“If you love her, man, you should go for it. There are a lot of things worth losing, but if it's real…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence. He doesn’t have to—I know what he’s trying to say. And maybe he’s right, maybe I should fight for her. But what if it doesn’t work? What if I end up without her again? This time, it won’t be like the first time. Back then, she was never mine to begin with, and even though I loved her from a distance, saying goodbye to her didn’t hurt. It was sad, but it wasn’t fucked up.
This time, it hurts like a bitch. And if I put myself out there, my heart on the line, and I lose her again…
“I can’t, she’s going back to Cali after the game, and then we’re not close to each other, anyway. I’m not going to ditch the team for a woman, Col.”
“I’m sure coach will fall at your feet in worship when you say that,” Colin says. “But you know what? Football isn’t forever. At some point, you and I are going to be too old for this shit. Our bodies are taking a hell of a beating and I’m already not the man I used to be anymore. Young guys are going to come up in the ranks and they’ll be better than us, faster than us, and coach is going to let them replace us when we can’t keep up anymore.”
“God, don’t remind me.”
“Then, what will you do with the rest of your life? Football is fleeting, but love, growing old with someone who’s there no matter what…maybe you’re loyal to the team and that’s great, but sacrificing your own heart for this shit is stupid. You can play for someone else. You can stop playing altogether and build another life. But you don’t just find the type of love that keeps you going. And when it’s all said and done, and the temporary things are gone…you need to know what will be left.”
“Jesus, Colin,” I say, shaking my head. “Are you a football player or a fortune cookie?”
