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We both laugh.
“I’m out,” Colin says. “Don’t kill yourself off before tomorrow, okay? Seriously, take it slow. If we lose because you can’t keep your shit together, I’ll be a lot less sympathetic than I am now.”
I snort. “Thanks, man.”
He stands, claps me on the shoulder, and leaves.
I finish my energy drink and eat up the last of my meal before I get up and get ready to go home, too. I need to shower after I trained and do something that will get my energy back up after I nearly wrote myself off out there.
I get in my car and drive back to my house on the beach. I’m not at the hotel anymore—there was no reason to stay. It’s good to be home.
But when I turn down the road that leads to my place and see the house and the beach view as I round the corner and overlook my property, I think of Jenna. A pang shoots through me.
Maybe Colin is right. When all of this is gone, what will I have? I have everything I need in life. I have more than enough money, my house is spectacular, and my beach view is to die for. But what’s the point in all this if I have no one to share it with?
The girls I’ve brought home before loved this place just as much as Jenna did. But they’d all looked at it with stars in their eyes—this could be their kingdom if only they could figure out how I would let them stay.
Jenna looked at it and saw the beauty it really was without demanding to be a part of it.
And because of that, she’s the one I want to be a part of it. No one else.
Jenna.
Damn it, this is pathetic.
I drive down to the house and park my car in the garage. Instead of walking into the house and taking a shower, I walk to the beach. The waves lap onto the sand, the sun beats down on me, and it's paradise. But the emptiness inside me makes me feel cold.
I walk into the water. The waves crash around my ankles, my calves, my knees, my thighs. When I’m deep enough so that the swell lifts me and lowers with me what would eventually become waves, I look back at the house.
I can keep doing this without her. I can keep being single, managing it all alone. I’ve been doing this for years. It’s always been enough.
But it’s not enough anymore. I want Jenna. Badly.
I’ve always wanted Jenna, but this time, I want it to be real, and I want it to be forever. We’re not teenagers anymore. I’m not going to sit back and wait for Noah to decide what he wants, wait for him to fuck it up, to walk away. I know he was my best friend once and he had Jenna. But it’s been a decade, and it’s time to face the facts.
The fact is that I love her. And I don’t want to do this without her.
Am I terrified of getting hurt again? Absolutely. But thinking about life without her is more terrifying. Doing this whole thing for years to come with no one at my side who understands me is horrible.
I don’t know where it happened, but somewhere between me seeing Jenna again after so long, and now, I fell for her. Hard. So hard that I can’t imagine my life without her anymore.
Maybe that’s what life is all about. Making it to the big leagues was always my dream, and when I reached my goal, I thought I had it made. But maybe that’s not the point. That’s not what completes life, what makes it come full circle.
Colin is right; all of this is going to go away one day. I’m not going to be a star forever. I’m not going to play ball until I’m an old man.
But I can sit on a porch, watching the sunset, talking about my hopes and dreams, or reminiscing about the past, with her, until the day I die.
Damn it, this is going to hurt. I know it will. If I lose her, I don’t know how I’m going to pick myself back up again.
But I know that if I don’t do anything, I’m going to lose her for sure. There’s no doubt about it.
I’d rather work with a maybe, than a definite no.
I’m not the guy who runs after girls. I’m not the guy who commits. I’m the guy who fucks around without getting serious. But I’m also the guy who’s going to change.
When I swim back to the beach, I have a renewed sense of purpose. I walk into the house, shower, and get dressed. Tomorrow is the big game, and usually, I spend the day mentally preparing, getting my head right for what’s going to come. But right now, I need to find Jenna so that I can make this right.
If it doesn’t work out, and I’m a heartbroken mess, tomorrow should be interesting. But I’m going to figure it out. I’m going to go there; I’m going to try.
If I don’t, I’ll just have this. And although all this is great, it’s not enough.
It took me far too long to realize what’s important, to realize what matters. But now that I know I’ll be a fool if I let it slip through my fingers.
Jenna’s ex came back to see her, to try to win her over again. I tried to chase him away. I was jealous of him that he had been with her, that he had a part of her. But now, I realize why he came back. Losing Jenna is losing something priceless.
I don’t blame him for his actions. I understand what it’s like to lose her.
I just hope that when I find her and talk to her, she’s not going to send me away, too. I’m better than Charlie because I know what I have. And as soon as I have it, I’m not letting her go again.
