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Natalie
I’m falling apart. I thought it was the right thing to do to tell Mason off. He doesn’t trust me. And I’m pregnant with his child. If I wasn’t pregnant with his baby, I might have tried to fight for it. Hell, with Mason, I came alive. It’s been years since I felt hopeful about the future.
Good.
Positive.
Happy.
But if he can’t trust me, I don’t know how we can figure it out. No matter how serious I am about him. And with this baby growing inside me…I can’t tie him down like this. I can’t force him to give a piece of himself to yet another thing in his life that’s a responsibility. He’s told me so much about his life and I know where he’s coming from. I know how trapped he feels. The last thing I want is to add to that.
I should be happy this whole “cheating” business came up.
It’s an answer to the question I’ve been asking—this isn’t going to work. It’s a solid reason I can give him why this won’t work without him trying to tell me that he’ll be the other half of the equation; he’ll step into the family and take responsibility, although he might not want to.
I just can’t bring myself to see this as a silver lining. I don’t feel relief when I think I might have dodged a bullet.
Whenever I think about Mason, I break all over again, and I struggle to keep it together. I burst out in tears at random moments in the day. And I don’t know how to deal with what I’m going through.
I’m still furious with Dianne, but the truth is, I need her. After five years of therapy, I would have thought I know how to handle things by now.
But I can’t do this by myself—my emotions are eating me up, and if I’m not sick to my stomach missing Mason and wishing we could fix things, I throw up from morning sickness.
It’s a real bitch.
When my appointment with Dianne rolls around, I don’t call to cancel. I don’t stay away. I walk into her office, feeling frayed.
“I didn’t know if I was seeing you today,” Dianne says. She looks put-together as always, but she’s cautious, and her eyes are guarded.
“I didn’t know if I was coming until today,” I admit. “But we do have an arrangement.” I take a deep breath and let it out. “And I need your help.”
Dianne doesn’t look surprised or relieved or any other emotion. She wears her carefully constructed poker face.
Maybe it’s easier to put up when it’s not her own problems she has to face but someone else’s. Is it easier this way? After a day at the office, she can shut the door and go home and take none of the baggage with her. Where I have to live with it all, take it home with me, eat, breathe, and sleep the struggles I go through.
I envy her.
She gestures to the couch where I usually sit and I sit down. I get comfortable, but I don’t kick off my shoes. Instead, I cross my legs over each other and watch her.
“What I said the last time we spoke…” Dianne starts before she swallows hard. It’s the first sign of emotion. “I was out of line.”
I blink at her. “What?” Her confession is the last thing I expected.
“I thought about what you said, and you’re right. It was a leap to bring those two things together and suggest that you might be playing with fire.”
“Apparently, you’re not the only person who thinks so,” I say dully.
“What happened?” Dianne asks.
I sigh. “Mason thinks I’m involved with Sam, too. But not because I gave him—or anyone—a reason to think that.” I explain to her how Mason arrived at the coffee shop where I met Sam when we had a lunch break at the same time.
“I invited Sam over on Saturday to see Kylie. It’s been five years, and he asked if he could be in our lives again. He wants to be the uncle he wasn’t. He’s really trying to work his life out, and I allowed it. I let him come over to see her.” I smile sadly, thinking about the meeting. “He’s so good with her. And she asked him all kinds of questions about David, which he answered in such a nice way. I think he’s good for her. He brings David back seamlessly, where I feel awkward when I talk to her about it.”
“That sounds like a good step forward,” Dianne says. “A step you didn’t need my advice for. That’s a big deal, you know.”
“I was determined to do it all without you,” I admit. I was sure I wasn’t going to come back to Dianne after her insinuations.
“Well, it’s nice to know you can do it without help,” Dianne says with a smile, and she’s not upset about anything that happened between us. I’m glad. Her apology and her reaction now makes me feel like I can talk to her about what bothers me without this thing hanging over us.
