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I smile and she runs to her room to get dressed. I walk to the kitchen and take out two bowls to pour cereal in before we get elbows deep in paint and glitter.
I’m so relieved Kylie took the news of my pregnancy well. It’s going to be an adjustment when the baby comes—the idea of a sibling, and the reality, are two very different things. But we’ll figure it out, her and I. It’s been Kylie and me against the world, and like I said to her, we’re just going to add another teammate to the picture. That’s all.
The three of us are going to have loads of fun.
When Kylie comes into the kitchen, I make us each a bowl of cereal and we sit at the breakfast nook to eat together.
“Are you going on another date soon?” Kylie asks.
I glance at her. When I went on dates with Mason, I told Kylie where I was going. I like to be open and honest with her.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Maybe one day. But not right now.”
“Oh,” Kylie says.
“Why?”
“I’m just asking,” she says with a shrug.
I nod, and we talk about other things while we eat our cereal. She hasn’t asked about the baby’s father. She hasn’t asked more about dating than this. But soon, those questions will come. And when she needs to know, I’ll tell her. I always want to be as open with her as her age allows for.
But we’re taking this whole thing one day at a time. It’s the only way to do it.
And after we eat cereal, we’ll do art together and spend quality time, and Kylie is excited about the new baby. That’s all that matters right now.
It’s going to be a good day.
Chapter 33
Mason
The hospital is quiet when I walk in. Nurses shuffle silently by, going about their business. Doctors make their rounds, but other than that, the hospital wing where my mother stays right now has the hush of death huddled around it. It’s not quite the ICU ward—people actively fight for their lives there.
It’s almost like a Limbo ward, where the patients wait patiently to find out if they’ll live or die.
Mom’s still sedated when I walk into her room. I sit next to her bed and take her hand. I want to speak—I have so much weighing heavily on my heart. But I don’t have the words. How do I tell her about Natalie being pregnant? How do I explain to her how much it hurt to lose her, especially when I’m the one who drove her away?
I don’t know where to begin.
And the truth is, I don’t know if it will make a difference. I don’t know where Mom is in there. She feels so far away like I can’t reach her anymore, no matter how hard I try.
I start on something easier.
“The restaurant opening was a raving success. You should see what they’ve written about the place.” But Mom might never see the articles or the photos. “I’ll have to read one or two of them to you later.” I think about Dianne’s visit, but I don’t go into that because it leads to Natalie and everything that follows.
“I thought about training with the guys again this week. It’s been a couple of weeks now that I haven’t seen them. But I feel like I’m not really part of their group anymore. Even though I know they’ll be great about it and welcome me back. It’s just not that simple.”
Nothing is that simple anymore. I feel lost, lately. Untethered. I have nothing to anchor me. I thought now that I have my restaurant, everything would be good. I have what I want; I’m following my dream.
But it feels pretty fucking empty right now.
I know why. I’m not going to admit that it might be because I lost Natalie, not over my dead body. But I know it’s that.
I still don’t know how I feel about the fact that she’s having a baby. Sheknowsshe’s having a baby. And she hasn’t said anything to me. That makes me think she wants nothing to do with me. And rightfully so. I wasn’t the model boyfriend there toward the end.
I stroke my mom’s hand and sigh. I have so much I need to get off my chest. But I can’t talk to her. Not like this, not when she’s not talking back.
“I miss you,” I finally say. “I wish I could ask you advice. I wish I could let you know how things are going and hear what you have to say. Even if you tell me I made a mistake, to just hear you say it’s okay.”
