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Chapter 36
He read the words again. She was apologizing, like she always did, not realizing that she had just made him happy. Still hopeless, but happy that she had removed at least some of the barricades between them.
“Hey, Jordan, I hope you’re doing ok. I’m sorry I’m dumping this on you. I wasn’t sure, but Libby said you’d want to see this, and I promised Hannah. She wrote you this letter, and I promised I’d send it to you. I know you care, but I also know how things ended. If you’d like to type in a reply for her, or talk to her, I’ll let her have my phone. Really appreciate everything you did for her there. And everything in general. Let me know. Thanks. It’s ok if not, btw. Don’t feel obligated. I know how things ended.”
He smiled to himself while reading it. It was one of the longest messages he had ever received, and it was so her that he could picture her saying it. The image hammered down the granite that had settled in his chest.
The picture of the homemade envelope in childish writing, and the letter, warmed his heart further, but Hannah’s last sentence crushed it with its brutal simplicity.
“Thanks for sending it to me. When is it?” Brief and short was a dam against the flood of feelings that his fingers could have typed.
The words “Hope is typing” appeared on the screen on and off for at least two minutes before a short text arrived. She was probably typing and deleting, maybe fighting the same instincts. “Right before Halloween. I’ll send you the details.”
“Tell Hannah I’ll do my best to attend. And Hope, I’m happy to hear from you. Don’t ever hesitate regarding anything. And stop apologizing.” He yearned to add more, so much more. The numbness he had managed to submerge himself in had been ripped open, and every atom in him throbbed.
The next thing he did was open the airline website on his phone.
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He didn’t promise, unsure if he could face everything that he wanted and couldn’t have.
He could cancel the flight. But why should the girl, whose excitement choked the end of her speech when she had recited it to him over the phone, suffer? He should be able to get over himself for her sake.
He had texted Hope a day after her initial message, asking if he could talk to Hannah. A few moments later, his phone had rung, and Hope’s name on his screen had tightened his chest. He had picked up to find Hannah on the line.
“Is it good? Do you think I did well?” she had asked after relating one of her arguments.
“You did excellent. That’s a good speech you have there, and I love that you know your partner’s part, too, in case he forgets it. And remember to count to three with your breathing if you’re asked or opposed with something you weren’t prepared for.”
“Okay. I’ll ask my mom to send you pictures of me.”
“I’d love that. I’ll try to be there,” he had said.
He was a grown man; she was a child. She counted on him. And he never let down his clients. Or people he loved. Except her mother.
To avoid further disappointment, for anyone, he hadn’t notified of his arrival, just in case he wouldn’t be able to make it. Now he disembarked the flight with no luggage and walked the familiar corridors of the San Francisco airport, knowing he would be pacing them again on his way back in a few hours.
He took an Uber to the conference center. The smallest hall had been assigned for the middle school level and below, so Jordan made his way there, his footsteps slower than the crazed horse that raced under his ribcage.
The session hadn’t begun yet. People were standing in clusters all over the floor, up to the front where the stage was decorated and ready.
He shouldered his laptop bag and moved slowly from the entrance, using his height as an advantage to scan the room.
When he was near the middle of it, he noticed a flame of copper at the far end. Like a magnet, he was pulled to it, making his way through the chattering crowd, hardly hearing it over the pulse that strummed in his ears.
With just one group between him and the double flame of heads—one tall, one small; one copper, one curly, strawberry-blonde—he halted. For some reason, he had forgotten about the man who stood in their little circle, chatting, smiling, casually touching Hope’s arm.
He would have turned on his heel and stepped away after what felt like a semi-truck hitting him, but Hannah’s face, the way she bounced nervously on her feet, reminded him why he was here.
He circled the group that screened him from view, and it was Hannah who first noticed his approach. She was facing in his direction, and the way her face lit up when she saw him was worth the way his heart waned right before.
“Jordan! You came!” she called, bolting toward him.
He smiled and slightly bent before she collided with his abdomen, throwing her arms around his midsection.
“Hi there, I didn’t want to miss it,” he said, wrapping one arm around her back. “That tooth of yours looks fine,” he added as she happily grinned up at him.
He lifted his eyes and saw Hope’s and Chris’s surprised looks. His eyes instantly locked with Hope’s as Hannah escorted him the last few feet to the group.
