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He heaves a sigh and adjusts his hat, squeezing the bill. “I’m okay, T. Just thinking.” His jaw works. “Just, uh, thinking about everything I have going on this week. My marketing class has a research paper assignment I need to work on.”
“Oh. Right. Well, text me if you need anyone to bounce ideas off of, or if you need a library buddy.” Could I sound any more desperate for an excuse to keep spending time with him? “Bye.”
Tucking my chin against my chest, I rush out of the Jeep, get my bag from the back, and hustle across campus to get to my dorm. It’s a miracle I make it without succumbing to the crushing weight sitting on my chest.
The girls are waiting inside on my bed when I get in. Alison glances between the three of us and gets up.
“I’m grabbing an early dinner,” she says. “Everything cool?”
I nod, throat too tight to speak as I dump my bag on my bed. Simone is on her feet as soon as the door closes and practically tackles me with a fierce hug.
“Do I need to send Jenny out for an emergency milkshake?” Her words are muffled against my shoulder. She knows me too well.
“No. I don’t think I could stomach anything right now. It’s too…” I gulp in air and wave my hand in front of my stomach when Simone releases me to sweep an assessing look over me. “Buzzy.”
“What happened?” Simone’s brows pinch. “Did that idiot screw up? I thought he’d changed, but once a player always a player. He’s just like your brother. All those guys are. I will stick my foot all the way up Coop’s ass if he did anything to—”
“Simone.” I hold up a hand and blow out a breath. My voice is tight. “No. He’s not like that anymore. We broke up. Except—except we were never really dating.”
She lifts a brow. “Still friends with benefits?”
“I mean, yeah. But not now. That’s done. All of it’s done.” I rub my temple, pacing the short length of my dorm. My eyes sting.
“You broke up with Cooper?” Jenny peers between us in confusion.
My attention snags on my desk full of notebooks and my stomach twists itself in knots. They’re what got me into this mess. They’ve got to go. I can’t look at them without thinking of him.
With a huff, I stride across the room and fall into a flurry of grabbing handfuls of the organized stacks of planners and journals, packing every one of them away in a purple crate. The girls watch silently. When I’ve cleared my desk of every one of them, my chest is heaving. I shove them under my bed, hiding them behind my suitcase and another box of books I store under there.
Straightening, I prop my hands on my hips and blow a stray lock of hair out of my face. The need for action bubbles up again and I resume pacing while my mind runs through everything that’s happened. None of my usual tactics to find my inner peace work.
“I know you like to move around when you’re overwhelmed, but you’ve got to talk to us, dude,” Simone says gently. “Don’t keep it in. Let it out.”
Rubbing my thumbs against my fingertips, I force out, “I need to swear off any planning that doesn’t have to do with my study schedule.”
The only journal I left untouched is the one I keep in my backpack with the schedule of my assignments due and exams. What’s the point of planning and journaling when it leads to this? My plan failed and bit me in the ass hard enough to leave a permanent mark.
Simone’s eyes widen. “What happened?” She gestures to Jenny. “Start at the beginning.”
Jenny catches my hand on my next pass and tugs me next to her on the bed. I pick a spot on the wall to stare at, honing my focus on Alison’s coral reef poster as a calming anchor point to keep my emotions at bay while I explain everything from my plan to lose my virginity with Cooper’s help to his idea to use fake dating as a cover for both of us when the fall semester started. All of it pours out of me in a breathless rush, my voice shaking.
“I really messed up,” I mumble when I finish. Simone strokes my loose hairs back after she braided it for me while I let the complete truth I’ve hidden from her flood out in the open. “I wasn’t supposed to catch feels.”
“Oh babe. How do you know he doesn’t feel the same? Because I swear Coop looks at you like you’re his world. There’s no way he’s that good at faking that.” Simone lifts her brows encouragingly. “Did you ask him?”
“I couldn’t. He was pretty clear about ending this.” Fear of rejection choked me.
“You should talk to him,” Jenny says. “Tell him how you feel. Even if it’s hard, communication is best.”
“Logically, I know that. Emotionally?”
I lean on her and she puts an arm around my shoulders. We sit like that for a moment and my body relaxes. Simone squeezes in on my other side to hug me. My racing heart finally slows as I start to calm down with their support. I wipe away the tears threatening to fall.
Without panic, heartbreak, and fear scrambling my brain, I’m able to think clearly to analyze what I’m feeling. “It’s sound in theory, harder in execution. I’m…scared of how many different ways it could go.”
What if I misinterpreted everything between us because I was never able to tell where the line between fake and real was drawn? If he had feelings for me, he would’ve said something. He wouldn’t let me go, like the last time I suggested we be friends. I don’t think my heart could handle Coop letting me down easy.
It’s not fair to him if I dump my feelings on him right now after we just agreed to end it. We both need time.
