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I whip around, pulse stuttering at Jackson’s angry tone. Tatum’s out of ear shot and doesn’t hear her brother. He steps out from behind a tree in workout shorts, ripping ear pods from his ears. Jesus christ. Déjà vu hits me square in the chest at his furious expression. Except he’s way more pissed off than the night he caught me kissing his sister.
Neither of us saw him out on a run. I was too focused on Tatum and her back was turned away from the tree Jackson hid behind.
“Jackson,” I say cautiously. “Listen, whatever you think you heard, it wasn’t—”
“Wasn’t what it sounded like? Fuck off,” he spits. “You’re not tricking me with that bullshit again.”
I tear my hat off my head to scrub at my scalp. “I’m not lying, man. It wasn’t as bad as you’re thinking.”
Jackson pushes me and I fall back a step. “Not lying? You’ve been lying to my face this whole time. What did you do to my sister? What the hell was that shit about sneaking around?”
I grimace. He’s going to kill me. “I wasn’t lying. We were pretending to date because we were fooling around, but I wasn’t faking it.”
“Who the fuck does that?” He shakes his head and shoves me again. “I’m serious about her, Jackson. I’ve changed, Jackson—you’re a fucking liar.”
I grapple with him, not about to take a hit because he wants to play protective older brother. “No I’m not,” I grit out. “Throw those words in my face all you want, but they’re still true.”
“Sounds like some cocked up idea for an excuse to touch my sister.” He glares at me, jaw clenched.
I scoff. “I didn’t need any excuse. She’s grown up and made the choice all on her own. You heard it yourself. It’s over now. She was the one too good at pretending. She doesn’t want me anymore. I’m just looking out for her as a friend.”
He grabs two fistfuls of my shirt and hauls me close to growl in my face. “Stay away from her. I don’t want you around her.”
My head jerks. “We’re friends. That’s it.”
“I don’t trust anything you say. If I see you hanging around her, you’re dead to me. She doesn’t need you to fuck up her head. She’s smart, man.” He shakes me. “Leave her the hell alone.”
“Whatever.” I tear out of his grip and stalk off with harsh breaths. My veins burn.
My best friend’s words cut deep because they’ve never felt more true. I’m only making something of myself because of her help. Only looking to the future because she taught me how. Without her, I’m nothing.
FORTY-ONE
TATUM
There’s another note on my door when I get back from class. Like always, my heart flutters at the sight of the pastel heart. I don’t have to wonder who it’s from.Cooper. Air rushes out of my lungs and my throat stings as I pluck it from the message board.
Saw you smiling in the student union. I’m glad you had a good day.
— Coop
This one is a pastel purple. I have a collection of them on my desk. If I didn’t hide my notebooks under my bed, I would tuck them between the pages. Instead I have a small mountain of colorful notes from him taking over my desk.
Every day for the last two weeks they’ve appeared on my door. He’s making it so hard to move on from him. He’s been avoiding me—not that I’ve made that much effort to see him, too cowardly to face him—yet the notes still come.
He’s given me song recommendations for my playlists, some with a simple smiley face, one telling me about going for an early morning surf, and wished me luck on a quiz.
Plopping in the chair at my desk, I trace the letters of his name. Thank god Alison has her afternoon lab today so I can wallow in how much I miss him alone. Sighing, I bring the sticky note to my nose and inhale, searching for any hint of the clean, salty ocean breeze scent that reminds me of him.
Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I add the latest addition to my pile of hearts. Part of me is grateful for the reprieve of not seeing him around campus. I asked if we could be friends, yet I don’t think these feelings will be so easy to let go of. I’m a mess just from every note he leaves. How would I handle hanging out?
My days have been filled with taking a chance on every path that opens to me. I’ve joined a corn hole game on the quad the physics club put together. I went to a poetry reading at the library with Jenny. Used my gym access with Simone and Ty for the first time. I had dinner with an exchange student I met in line at the coffee cart yesterday. Any invite that comes my way, I accept it.
I’m fully embracing going with the flow and have a blossoming social life because I’m putting myself out there. He’d be proud of me. The only things I allow myself to plan out are my study blocks. It’s making me appreciate college, but something’s missing now. I place a hand over my heart and hang my head.
There’s a giant Cooper-shaped hole missing from my life. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I want to fix it, because letting go of the love I feel for him is as terrifying as facing him is.
But, god, I miss him so much. My days seem so dull and lifeless without him. It doesn’t matter that I’ve made new friends. I could befriend every student on campus and it still wouldn’t make up for his charming smiles, his raspy laugh, or his warm hugs.
