Page 32 of Was I Ever Here

I try to rationalize my feelings, struggling to detach from the quicksand of the guilt trying to engulf me.

Sunny tried to kill herself and I wasn’t there.

But I didn’t even know she existed back then, how could I have done anything to stop it? I can justify it all I want, it still doesn't abate the guilt of me not being there.

Of failing her again.

I tried to avoid her last night until my thoughts weren’t such a mess.

Then the office happened.

It took every bit of my self-control not to devour her. Not to feel her skin heat under my touch. My mind was on fire. Then I slipped. The words were out of my mouth before I could regain any sense of composure.You’ll be mine again.

What a fucking idiot.

As soon as I realized what I said, fear seared through me and I had to leave. Had to run away from the one person I refused to run away from. I’m just hoping Sunny was too frazzled to register what I said. I didn’t even drive her home. I left her alone in the pub and bolted, something I swore I would also never do. Such a fucking idiot.

I punched the bag one last time and take a step back, my chest rising up and down with the exertion. Catching my breath, I unwrap my cramping hands and reach for the bottle of water on the table. I pull my earphones out of my ears and head upstairs.

I pad through the kitchen and out the sliding doors, heading to the pool. Connor is lounging on a chair in only red shorts and dark shades, yelling at someone on the phone while a joint hangs off his lips. His skin is bronzed and gleaming because of the sun, his tattoos glistening from the sweat on his chest and arms.

I pay him no mind as I head for the deep end of the pool and dive in. I plunge through the water, and stay under for as long as I can hold my breath, swimming the length of the pool, the cold water cooling my heated skin and thoughts. But it’s a waste of time. My thoughts will never forget Sunny’s name.

Impossible.

Even if I could manage to stop obsessing over her, she would still haunt me under the guise of another. A ghost of many lifetimes. And in every single one, I’ve loved her in my own fucked up way.

We never seem to get it right. Why are we always bound to find each other if we’re also destined to hurt one another?

I emerge from the water, gasping. I swim more laps, determined to tire myself out, still hearing Connor’s angered voice pierce through the splash of the water.

Eventually, I drag myself out of the pool, the water trickling off my skin. I don’t bother with a towel, plopping myself beside my best friend, who’s finally done yelling at whoever was unfortunate enough to be on the other side of that call. A glass of whiskey sweats on the table beside him, so I lean over to grab it, but he swats at me, glaring while he hangs up the phone.

“What was that about?” I ask.

“There’s trouble at the docks,” he groans, swiping his hand over his face in frustration and handing me the joint but I wave it off. “There’s a shipment missing and everyone is too simple-minded to know what the fuck to do about it.” He reaches for the liquor. “Why am I always the one having to clean up everyone’s mess?”

I know it’s rhetorical, but I can’t help myself.

“‘Cause you’re the face of this organization, brother. Your good looks don’t only exist for the purpose of getting your dick wet,” I goad, popping my shades on my face and leaning back into the chair.

If looks could kill, it would probably have succeeded if it was anyone else but me telling him that.

“I should wring your neck and bury you six feet deep,” he bites back, his eyes glinting with mischief. “If only you could just stay dead.”

I grin. “I’m a fucking cockroach. You’ll never get rid of me.”

Connor lets out a low chuckle and looks up to the sky, appearing deep in thought. After a long pause he adds, “Speaking of getting my dick wet, let’s go to the club tonight.”

I scoff. Should have known his thoughts weren’t that deep.

“I know you’ve grown rather attached toSammies—” He side-eyes me over his shades while saying the name of the pub, as if alluding to something orsomeoneelse. But I don’t react.

“But it’s definitely not where I’ll find what I’m looking for tonight.” He licks his lips and waggles his eyebrows as if already imagining it.

I laugh. “Sure, I’ll come. But if you whip your dick out in the VIP section again, I’m punching you straight in the balls and leaving you there.”

Connor snickers. “I can't promise anything.”

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