Page 31 of Was I Ever Here

What the hell did that mean?

Chapter 19

Byzantine

Watchingyoufallfromthe cliff was not the last—or even the first—time I had watched you die. Like a sick joke between me and the karmic ties incessantly pulling us together. Our souls eternally enchained. Bound to you and your sweet carnal release. Destined to find you, again and again, until death would once more steal you away from me.

Until we met again under different faces, different names. Our souls reaching out, yearning for just a touch. Desperate for the familiar warmth of our noxious love.

I had arrived home late on that day. You were my wife then. I had spent the evening out. Drinking with coworkers to quell the bore of our marital bliss. I loved you, yes, I loved you truly. But I was lost. And so were you.

Months ago, we had sat in the wooden chairs of the doctor’s office, listening to the doctor inform us that you were barren. Times were different then, different roles, different expectations. And mother was the most coveted role a woman could have. I had taken your hand in mine and watched the light blink out of your eyes as the doctor struck a match and lit a cigarette. He then coaxed us out of his office and bid us fair health.

We didn’t know better. I didn’t know any better. And I failed to know how to help you. How to reach through the darkness and find you. I watched you die before I ever found your lifeless body on the floor.

I watched joy never find you again. The clinks of ice in a glass full of gin becoming a melody to your sorrow. The sleepless nights spent staring, catatonic, at the waning moon. Waning like you.

My love. My light.

You were disappearing into the dark starry night, with only but a sliver of light left.

The house was dark. The yawing shadows of our home greeting me at the door. But not you. I assumed you had gone to bed. I took off my hat and coat and headed to the wet bar for a nightcap. I didn’t turn on the lights as I sat in my favorite chair in the living room, finding comfort in the silent darkness surrounding me.

I took my time to find you, my love.

Please forgive me.

I didn’t know.

With the last sip of whiskey still on the tip of my tongue, I made my way up the carpeted stairs to the second floor. I walked past the bathroom with the door ajar. I wanted to kiss your warm cheek first. To watch you stir in the wrinkled sheets, the sweet smell of sleep on your skin. The guilt of spending so much time away from you blackening my thoughts. I needed you. I needed us. I just…needed.

But a shadow on the bathroom floor averted my gaze away from the bedroom before me. A chill crawled down my spine like an omen destined to come true. Slowly, I turned to face the bathroom and reached for the light. Time stood still as I watched the overhead bulb illuminate your too-still body. Bathed in the truth of what you had done.

An empty bottle of pills tipped over beside you.

A half drunk bottle of gin.

Your hair soiled from your own sick.

I stood there for much too long. Paralyzed by the sight of you. Your lifeless eyes. Your graying skin. Your nightgown askew, bunched up to your thighs. Your hand reaching out as if asking for help.

Asking for my help.

And I had done nothing but let you die.

Upon your last exhale I had been buried deep inside a bottle. As your chest rose up and then down one final time, I had not thought of you. I had not even felt you.

I loved you.

And again.

I had failed you.

Music blares in my ears as I give the punching bag a few more jabs, sweat trickling down my naked chest. I’m in Connor’s gym and I’ve been working the bag for over an hour but nothing helps to quiet the thoughts racing through my head.

Visions of Sunny, in another life, laying dead on the bathroom floor have plagued me ever since I found evidence of the same desires on Sunny’s body. The scar on her wrist echoing lifetimes of wanting the same release. When I woke up this morning, the pain from that one life was so acute I could hardly breathe.

Especially the faded memories of the months following her funeral. I drank myself to death just to be with her. As if my soul couldn’t bear another lonely life without her. Instead, I followed her into the void. I didn’t know how else to live with myself.

Source: www.allfreenovel.com