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‘Name?’
‘Helen Pines, I’m here to see Ish?’
‘Come right on in.’
The door opened onto a courtyard garden. Bees clung to lavender stalks coming out of old ceramic pots. Fairy lights were just blinking on as dusk fell, criss-crossed above them. Ish was sitting at the back near a large honeysuckle plant; wearing a slim cut blazer and Chelsea boots. Helen wasn’t used to seeing him in anything other than fancy dress, staring down at her Converse she’d clearly missed the memo on what to wear.
Seeing Helen walk through the door, Ish stood up, shaking the table as he tried to extract his long legs out from beneath it.
‘Ish, this is so nice!’ Was it too nice? Helen brushed the thought aside and knotted the end of her T-shirt so it looked like she’d made some kind of effort. She never managed to nail the dress code for anything.
‘Ah well you know … so how have you been? Spoken to Nanny G yet?’
‘Not yet. I actually think I’m going to go to Cornwall next week so I’m saving it up to tell her in person.’
‘Ah nice – I think I’ll go home that week too. Any special occasion?’
Helen paused, picked up the drinks list in her hands and pretended to look very interested in what a hibiscus fizz was. She had planned to tell everything to Ish, like she’d just met up with Elle and Sophie for a catch up; but looking around at the fairy lights, the cocktails, it suddenly didn’t feel quite so much like two friends catching up.
But she should be honest, shouldn’t she? Not telling Ish that she was going to Cornwall in the hopes of seeing Brody would feel a bit like she was keeping her options open. It would be a bit like Elle, wouldn’t it? Maybe even a bit like Jonathan … She liked Ish as a person, but she wasn’t ready to give up on Brody just like that, and if she lied about it, wouldn’t that be leading Ish on?
‘Well, I think I’m going to go to this festival called Ship/Wrecked.’
‘I’ve heard of that, can’t say I imagined it being your kinda thing though?’
‘It isn’t,’ Helen took a deep breath, the Brody story edging its way out of her mouth. ‘There’s a guy I like who’s going. So, I thought I’d meet him there.’
‘Oh really?’ Ish shifted slightly in his seat. ‘How long have you guys been seeing each other for?’
‘Well … the thing is …’
‘Try me Hels. Remember I never judge anyone … I’m your friendly neighbourhood Ish.’
‘Well, we met once, a month or two ago, on a dating app. Have you ever had that before where you’ve met someone and just felt like “okay this is going to be my next serious relationship?” Like an instant connection?’ Helen paused searching Ish’s face for a sign of recognition. ‘Anyway I really got that with him, and I’m pretty sure he felt the same but then the app crashed …’
‘Ah yep, Connex server failure, that was all over socials …’
‘So, I lost his match and I’ve been trying to find him ever since. In a nutshell.’ Helen knotted her fingers in her lap and looked up at Ish.
‘That’s you all over I think, always on the hunt for something …’ Ish leaned back slightly more in his chair. His arms were gently folded now.
‘Honestly, my life isn’t normally like this!’
‘Are you sure?’ Ish looked right at her.
Helen thought about her relationship with Jonathan. It wasn’t really comparable. She’d made more effort than he had, probably? No, she definitely had. It was like she turned up to be with him month after month, and there was always something that got in the way. He was stressed with work, he wanted to give it more time, he was still hurting from his last break up …
She should have moved on sooner, finally stuck up for herself and been the one to walk away: but she couldn’t. In her mind somewhere, Jonathan loomed high like being with this smart, successful guy was an achievement worth grasping for; that if he liked her then she must be worthwhile? That if they could just be together, the credits would roll and everything would be perfect.
But Brody was different to Jonathan: nicer, humbler, a better kisser …
‘I don’t know, maybe?’
‘Just ya know they say that happiness is the path, not the destination …’
‘Is this something you learned whilst buying your samurai sword?’ Helen smiled and felt her leg brush up against Ish’s under the too-small table. She quickly pulled it back towards her.
‘All right, all right now. I think it was Buddha: but I want you to listen to my point. It’s like you could be searching … searching for something to show yerself you’ve finally made it. Meeting some guy, getting so and so many followers, whatever, to make you happy, but that’s just perception. What gives you the potential for happiness could be right here already. You know, in the present.’
