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It was like she’d got two pieces of the Brody puzzle in her hands and created the whole picture. She’d spent so little time with him, less time even than with Ish. Why was she thinking about Ish right now? The path ahead spinned.
‘Helen, Helen, are you okay?’ Brody was helping her down the side of the cliff again, her feet rolling on the pebbles beneath her. ‘Sorry you were too cold to go up there. Sometimes I get an idea in my head for something and don’t really think it through … I guess I was just trying to recreate a moment?’
‘The moment when we first kissed on the cliffs?’ Helen fished for the words out of her mind and strung them together with tremendous effort.
‘That’s the one. It was nice …’ Brody pulled her in again to kiss him; she tasted something acrid and bitter in his mouth. Helen pulled back.
‘So if Connex hadn’t gone down, would you have messaged me?’ Why was she asking this again? Her brain was reacting too slowly to stop the words coming out of her mouth.
‘One hundred per cent.’
‘And we would have gone on another date …?’
‘In London, yep, maybe back to Fix 126 for an iced coffee.’
‘And then …?’
Brody took a step back and put his hands in his pockets. ‘Well I don’t know. I have to admit I didn’t have much more of a plan than that …’
Helen squinted at him, swaying slightly on her feet. A Jenga brick slid. She took another long sip from Alice’s hip flask. Her hands clumsily unscrewing the bottle, and clipping it back onto her utility belt.
‘I guess I’ve just slipped back to being focused on my work, then there’s so much going on in life, it’s like I’m at this really exciting time where I’m just making so many cool new connections, you included of course …’
Helen flinched. Connections, plural?
‘… so it wouldn’t be congruent for me to make too many promises or future plans. It’s just not where my head space is at right now.’ Brody’s hand rested on her shoulder again. ‘Is that okay, Helen? Are you okay?’
The tower tumbled. Lights from the festival spun around her. She held on to Brody’s arm and breathed.
‘Helen,amigaare you all right?’ Elle was pushing her way through the crowd, waving furiously at Long Foolish Summer and Alice. She turned to Brody. ‘I’ll take it from here.’
Chapter 32
‘Babe, babe are you okay?’ Elle was hurriedly sitting Helen down on a log by the bonfire. ‘You drunk a little too much huh? It’s okay, I got you.’
‘How was the band?’ Helen talked with her eyes closed. Was the festival spinning more if she kept them open?
‘We’ll talk about them later. I want to know about you! How was Brody?’ Elle had unclipped Helen’s utility belt, and was foraging through the pockets.
‘He offered me drugs.’
‘Wow. I can’t say I saw that coming. So not really your style then?’ Elle paused to watch Helen, slumping back onto the log. ‘Look, I’ll just get you a bottle of water and I’ll be back in two minutes. Don’t move, okay?’ A rare tone of panic had entered Elle’s voice. Her hand felt warm where she touched the side of Helen’s face. Helen watched her jog over to the nearest kiosk and set about pushing into the queue. She tried to focus on Elle’s golden braids, but kept losing sight of her in the crowd.
She felt really nauseous. She’d have to lie down on the floor. Helen pulled off her utility belt so she could lie flat on her side, and began absent-mindedly picking through its pockets, stopping just short of the hip flask. She wasn’t going to drink anymore, she needed to think clearly.
Her fingers ran across the far pocket, and she felt cellophane, how come she hadn’t noticed these before? From the belt she produced a small bag of chocolates, they looked homemade. Food would help to sober her up. Thank you Nessy! She was going to have to get to know her more when she got back home.
Helen allowed herself to pause for a moment to think about her childhood bedroom, the familiar smell of the dusty radiator, her old lumpy pillow, Nanny G, a hot shower …
She popped a chocolate into her mouth, it tasted … a little off. She would show Nessy how you had to melt chocolate when she got home, over a pan of boiling water, she’d probably put these in the microwave or something.
‘Helen, what are you eating?’ Elle squatted down next to her, the light from the bonfire bouncing off the curve of the water bottle. She tore open the chocolate bag, sniffing them, then taking a tiny bite.
‘It’s okay Elle, I’m not worried about my weight or anything like that … I feel … I think I feel attractive.’
Elle’s hand went to her forehead again.
‘Helen! It’s not about eating … you’re beautiful … but I don’t think these are normal chocolates …’ Elle’s hands were around her face and she seemed to be making the same silent prayer action that her mum often made whenever Helen mentioned a new man’s name. ‘Fuckkk!’
